Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you consider it rude to bring an additional dish to a dinner, even if it wasn’t requested?

This is for an Easter dinner, so it is a meal in which the dishes are meant to be special. When I asked what I could contribute, I was asked to bring a side. I’m more than happy to do this, but I’m also inspired to make a yummy dessert!

I really enjoy baking, and I know that the dessert the host is making is much more about presentation than flavor (think an Easter item-shaped dessert using prepackaged ingredients). It’s fine, it’s cute, and I don’t want to take away from it. My kid will love it. But it won't be particularly enjoyable for the adults to eat.

Would it be OK to show up with an extra homemade dessert and just say I had the time and wanted an excuse to make something special? It never hurts to have an extra for a holiday meal, right?

GENTLE READER: No. Because you are right to suspect that the benevolence of giving does not protect you from other transgressions. And usurping the menu plan would be one.

Miss Manners might have suggested you ask the host whether another dessert would be welcome -- if you hadn’t given yourself away. But you made it clear that you want to show up your host by providing the adult guests with something you deem superior.

That is not generous. Please respect your host’s attempts to please guests, no matter how much better you think you would have done.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is dying. I’ve fixated on a stupid issue, probably because I don’t want to imagine life without him: What does a widow wear?

The idea of wearing jeans and T-shirts as if everything is normal feels bizarre. Is there a way to signal mourning? A black armband?

Foolish worry, I know, but it’s already hard to interact with cheery strangers. How can I signal my sadness?

GENTLE READER: The Victorians did us a disservice by overdoing the show of bereavement to the point where people got tired of living in mandated symbolic gloom -- long periods of wearing black and forgoing social events, even for relatives they didn’t miss -- and overthrew the whole system.

As usual, this led to the opposite extreme: the expectation of a quick return to normal life. Those who prod the bereaved to “achieve closure” little realize the pain they are causing.

So yes, some small sign would be good to warn off those who expect you to be jolly. Wearing all black is an option, although that remains a sign of mourning primarily at funerals of national importance. Black being considered chic, it can also be found at weddings.

So you could wear a black armband, although it may attract more attention than you want. As another possibility, Miss Manners suggests a small black ribbon at the lapel or neckline.

You need explain these only by saying, “I’m in mourning,” which may be repeated with more emphasis if this elicits more than an expression of sympathy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What exactly are the rules for saving seats at an informal event where seats are not assigned?

When I was invited to my nephew’s martial arts presentation, I arrived half an hour early to save seats for my family of five (three of us were present) because the others were coming from work and couldn’t arrive early.

A woman came and sat in one of the saved seats, even though my jacket was on the seat, and I politely told her that it was reserved.

There was no admission fee for the event, and there were plenty of other seats available, although admittedly my saved seats had a better view, which is why I arrived early.

The woman refused to move and passive-aggressively had her teenage sons come and sit next to her and basically half-sit on my lap. I ended up moving because I was uncomfortable and had to stand in the back and miss the action and opportunity to take photos. It truly ruined my night. Was I wrong to assume I could save the seats?

GENTLE READER: It is when whole front rows are saved at the middle school play that Miss Manners declares rudeness.

Her made-up but reasonable-sounding rule is this: No more than one seat saved per person already seated. So your situation qualified.

But just for free, she will give you another tip: Save seats in between the three of you, instead of at the end (i.e.: person, empty seat, person, empty seat, person). Others will be less likely to want to climb in between and sit next to strangers.

Then, when the rest of your party gets there, move over. It helps if copious amounts of bags and coats are piled up on the empty seats -- and makes it more convincing that those who are absent are just in the bathroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a coffee shop with my spouse when a couple of neighbors entered. They approached us and said hello.

I would have liked for them to have joined us because we occasionally cat-sit for each other, and I want to remain on good terms with them. Also, I was feeling social.

But I didn’t know how to word the invitation. “Would you like to join us?” seems to leave them no good way out if they do not happen to feel like socializing. Does Miss Manners have any suggestion regarding how to proceed in such circumstances?

GENTLE READER: “We would love to have you join us” has a subtle difference to it. Since it is a statement and not a question, your neighbors have options, including answering without answering.

They could 1. accept, 2. say, “Thank you, but we have a pressing matter to discuss, and we don’t want to bore you” or, less desirably, 3. say “Thank you,” go get their coffee and just never return. Miss Manners hopes for your sake that if they choose the third, it is not also how they approach sitting your cat.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My company has a return to office four days a week mandate this year. While it’s nice to have the in-person camaraderie, co-workers who are conspicuously ill are coming in and spreading their contagion. (My company provides a generous two weeks of "occasional absence," which may be used for sick days, doctor appointments and such.) No one says anything.

I am now sick (at home). These co-workers are not heroes for coming in to work with their germs, but selfish and inconsiderate.

I feel I should say something to our office manager. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: That you say, “You might want to reiterate the ‘occasional absence’ policy. The return to office mandate seems to have people confused. We surely do not want to encourage people to come to work when they are sick and contagious.”

For maximum effect, Miss Manners recommends you have this conversation whilst sneezing and coughing -- safely over the phone, of course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have noticed a problem at quite a few restaurants I’ve frequented -- that their napkins seemingly come exclusively wrapped around silverware.

So when I ask for an additional napkin or a replacement -- due to it being used to clean my hands or the table, etc. -- I am inevitably given a napkin with a new silverware set, which means I have additional flatware at what are sometimes small tables.

Is there a polite way to ask for a napkin by itself? Or return the additional silverware that is unneeded?

GENTLE READER: There are polite ways to do both.

“Could I please have another napkin?” repeating, “Just the napkin is fine,” if necessary. But if that too gets ignored, Miss Manners thinks it is fine to return the silverware saying, “These are clean, I just needed the napkin, thanks” -- although a reputable restaurant will wash them again anyway.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband believes that when we receive a single, indivisible gift intended for us as a couple (such as a platter, restaurant gift card or other anniversary gift) or a shared experience, like another couple hosting us at a vacation home, both he and I should write separate thank-you note messages (albeit on a single card).

I would prefer that we send a single message, using “we” in the note (e.g., we love X), with one person writing and each individual signing. Is either approach poor etiquette? (We jointly wrote this message, if it matters.)

GENTLE READER: Your reveal at the end notwithstanding, two people cannot properly write a letter.

At the top of yours, however, you began with, “my husband and I” which is the correct way to word it. The rest of a thank-you message would then be in the singular, save for a reiteration or two of how much your husband (or you, if he is writing it) enjoys the present too. Then only the writer would sign it.

But if you would still like to make letters of thanks a joint effort? Miss Manners suggests you take turns writing them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)