Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been taking time off work to help care for my father, who has incurable cancer. To clients I don’t know well, I’ve said, “I’ll be out of town to help my dad, who is sick.”

They almost invariably reply, “I hope he feels better soon.” I know they mean well, and I usually manage to take it that way. But that doesn’t stop it from feeling like a gut punch, because I know he is only going to feel worse over the few months he has left.

The first time this happened, I was so gobsmacked that I said, “Thanks, but this isn’t a getting-better situation,” which felt graceless and stopped the conversation.

Telling people “I’ll be out of town to help my dad, who has stage 4 cancer” sometimes (not always!) avoids the “feel better” comments, but can feel like oversharing.

I’d love advice on navigating this, and perhaps also a reminder to readers that when you don’t know the nature of an illness, “I hope they feel better soon” isn’t necessarily the kind comment you think it is.

GENTLE READER: What would you suggest? That your clients probe you until they find out enough about the situation to show the appropriate amount of sympathy?

Miss Manners considers it more helpful for her to remind anyone in your sad situation to refrain from confidences that require a sympathetic response.

You could have excused yourself to your clients by merely stating that you would be absent on family business -- replying, if there were questions, that it was a personal matter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and I have a gentle disagreement about the host’s responsibility at a dinner party or holiday table. As a host, I look for opportunities to foster conversations that might involve everyone around the table.

Otherwise, couples or friends will begin their own discussions. This makes it less fun for all, especially for the quiet individuals who don’t engage in conversation with their neighbors.

At one such dinner, my son whispered to me, “You’re being manipulative!” I said yes, I am doing my host duties. Help us settle this, please!

GENTLE READER: You win.

The late, great sociologist, David Riesman, once told Miss Manners that he had preceded her in the etiquette business, citing his observation of the manners of fellow academics when acting as hosts.

They apparently shared your son’s fear of being manipulative. Therefore, they performed no introductions, provided no seating plan and certainly did not attempt to check that everyone was included in conversations.

The result, Riesman said, was perfectly terrible parties, where people talked only with those in their own departments, whom they had seen all day -- or those with whom they had arrived, and would see all night.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to a concert the other night. What’s the etiquette if the cup holder is in the armrest of everyone’s chair, including both end seats? Which cup holder does each person get? I had an argument with the guy next to me.

GENTLE READER: It’s the one to your right, just as at the table.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you consider it rude to bring an additional dish to a dinner, even if it wasn’t requested?

This is for an Easter dinner, so it is a meal in which the dishes are meant to be special. When I asked what I could contribute, I was asked to bring a side. I’m more than happy to do this, but I’m also inspired to make a yummy dessert!

I really enjoy baking, and I know that the dessert the host is making is much more about presentation than flavor (think an Easter item-shaped dessert using prepackaged ingredients). It’s fine, it’s cute, and I don’t want to take away from it. My kid will love it. But it won't be particularly enjoyable for the adults to eat.

Would it be OK to show up with an extra homemade dessert and just say I had the time and wanted an excuse to make something special? It never hurts to have an extra for a holiday meal, right?

GENTLE READER: No. Because you are right to suspect that the benevolence of giving does not protect you from other transgressions. And usurping the menu plan would be one.

Miss Manners might have suggested you ask the host whether another dessert would be welcome -- if you hadn’t given yourself away. But you made it clear that you want to show up your host by providing the adult guests with something you deem superior.

That is not generous. Please respect your host’s attempts to please guests, no matter how much better you think you would have done.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is dying. I’ve fixated on a stupid issue, probably because I don’t want to imagine life without him: What does a widow wear?

The idea of wearing jeans and T-shirts as if everything is normal feels bizarre. Is there a way to signal mourning? A black armband?

Foolish worry, I know, but it’s already hard to interact with cheery strangers. How can I signal my sadness?

GENTLE READER: The Victorians did us a disservice by overdoing the show of bereavement to the point where people got tired of living in mandated symbolic gloom -- long periods of wearing black and forgoing social events, even for relatives they didn’t miss -- and overthrew the whole system.

As usual, this led to the opposite extreme: the expectation of a quick return to normal life. Those who prod the bereaved to “achieve closure” little realize the pain they are causing.

So yes, some small sign would be good to warn off those who expect you to be jolly. Wearing all black is an option, although that remains a sign of mourning primarily at funerals of national importance. Black being considered chic, it can also be found at weddings.

So you could wear a black armband, although it may attract more attention than you want. As another possibility, Miss Manners suggests a small black ribbon at the lapel or neckline.

You need explain these only by saying, “I’m in mourning,” which may be repeated with more emphasis if this elicits more than an expression of sympathy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What exactly are the rules for saving seats at an informal event where seats are not assigned?

When I was invited to my nephew’s martial arts presentation, I arrived half an hour early to save seats for my family of five (three of us were present) because the others were coming from work and couldn’t arrive early.

A woman came and sat in one of the saved seats, even though my jacket was on the seat, and I politely told her that it was reserved.

There was no admission fee for the event, and there were plenty of other seats available, although admittedly my saved seats had a better view, which is why I arrived early.

The woman refused to move and passive-aggressively had her teenage sons come and sit next to her and basically half-sit on my lap. I ended up moving because I was uncomfortable and had to stand in the back and miss the action and opportunity to take photos. It truly ruined my night. Was I wrong to assume I could save the seats?

GENTLE READER: It is when whole front rows are saved at the middle school play that Miss Manners declares rudeness.

Her made-up but reasonable-sounding rule is this: No more than one seat saved per person already seated. So your situation qualified.

But just for free, she will give you another tip: Save seats in between the three of you, instead of at the end (i.e.: person, empty seat, person, empty seat, person). Others will be less likely to want to climb in between and sit next to strangers.

Then, when the rest of your party gets there, move over. It helps if copious amounts of bags and coats are piled up on the empty seats -- and makes it more convincing that those who are absent are just in the bathroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a coffee shop with my spouse when a couple of neighbors entered. They approached us and said hello.

I would have liked for them to have joined us because we occasionally cat-sit for each other, and I want to remain on good terms with them. Also, I was feeling social.

But I didn’t know how to word the invitation. “Would you like to join us?” seems to leave them no good way out if they do not happen to feel like socializing. Does Miss Manners have any suggestion regarding how to proceed in such circumstances?

GENTLE READER: “We would love to have you join us” has a subtle difference to it. Since it is a statement and not a question, your neighbors have options, including answering without answering.

They could 1. accept, 2. say, “Thank you, but we have a pressing matter to discuss, and we don’t want to bore you” or, less desirably, 3. say “Thank you,” go get their coffee and just never return. Miss Manners hopes for your sake that if they choose the third, it is not also how they approach sitting your cat.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)