Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is the manager at her company. She is incredible, and everyone loves her. She is constantly making sure that everyone is taken care of, no matter the time of day.

She has been working overtime recently because of Hurricane Sandy, which impacted the lives of everyone at her office, including her own family. She spent her week off (due to the hurricane) making sure her team members were safe and accounted for.

Upon returning to the office, her dedication and sincerity have gone unnoticed. Her own living situation has been affected, so she has been living with me, and when she comes home, she feels empty and hurt. She has even contemplated quitting her job because she feels that all her work goes unnoticed and her team doesn't appreciate her.

I understand there is a lot of stress because of the devastation Sandy has caused to many, but I don't know how to comfort her. Of course, I'd like to say something to her team, but I am in no position to do that. How can I encourage her to press through this difficult time in her life? -- Sad Friend, Atlantic City, N.J.

DEAR SAD FRIEND: What many people across the country don't realize is how long people will be suffering in the wake of this horrific storm. Even those who were in the midst of it, like your friend's co-workers, may not have a good sense of how their lives have been undone -- especially if your friend has eased their burdens significantly.

Many people could be in a state of shock because of how their lives have been undone. Because your friend is a caretaker naturally, she went into overdrive to help others, when she actually needed some TLC herself. A simple thank-you goes so far, yet people can be incredibly rude and shortsighted about basic good manners.

Pamper your friend any way you can so she knows that, at least at home -- albeit a temporary residence -- she is valued. You might also recommend that she get some counseling support. Having a professional help her navigate this emotionally heart-wrenching time could be invaluable for her. It would be great for her to learn how to take care of herself first, even as she continues to care for others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an email from friends, inviting me to their home for the holidays. I went to their house last year, and I got sick and was in bed for three days.

I'm not sure I want to go to their house this year. I haven't answered the invitation yet. How do I turn them down without hurting their feelings? -- Wary Guest, Chicago

DEAR WARY GUEST: Thank your friends for the invitation and tell them you have made other plans.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 21-year-daughter who is in culinary school. She is doing well, and she is looking forward to becoming a chef at a five-star restaurant.

I'm a 40-year-old single mother. I currently stay with my parents to save money while my daughter is in culinary school. She is expected to graduate in 2013, and I'm excited that she is nearly finished with school. I'm really looking forward to dating again, with the goal of being married.

I received an email from my daughter last week saying that she would like to stay in culinary school for an additional year. I support my daughter 100 percent, but I really want to start my life. What should I do? -- On Hold, Salt Lake City

DEAR ON HOLD: Talk to your daughter about tuition options. Perhaps she can get a scholarship or loan to complete school, without it being such a burden on you. Especially if she is a good student, there may be financial aid options that can ease your burden.

As far as your personal life goes, you don't have to put it on hold until your daughter completes school. If you want to date, go for it. I'm sure it's awkward living with your parents as an adult. But I bet you can negotiate "house rules" that give you more flexibility than you may currently have. You may not feel comfortable having "sleepovers," but if you are looking to get married, it's probably best to take it slow anyway.

The point here is that your life need not be on hold while your daughter's life is unfolding. Both of you can live and prosper.

By the way, if your daughter has to struggle a little to complete her studies, that may be a good thing. Oftentimes a bit of struggle helps people value what they have even more.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a male friend of whom I have grown quite fond over the last three years. We have been inseparable, spending all of our free time together. Our mutual friends thought we were on the road to marriage.

To the surprise of many, he recently decided to see another woman. I'm happy for him -- honestly, I am. I learned a lot from spending time with him, though I thought we would be an item. I'm 27, and I met him when I was 24. I do not feel like I have wasted three years of my life. I'm a little heartbroken, but I will bounce back.

We are members of the same church, and I would like to know what I should say when I see him. -- It Wasn't Meant To Be, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE: I'm sorry this friend didn't choose you as his partner. It will hurt for a while, but the best you can do is to be gracious.

When you see him, say "hello" and keep moving. Don't linger. Realign yourself with other friends, but resist commiserating with them about him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently found out that a friend of mine has been displaced by Hurricane Sandy. She lost everything, including a beautiful beachfront home and two cars.

I finally got a chance to speak to her. She told me that she is looking for an apartment above sea level and that she is ready to start her life over. How can I help lift her spirits while she is in her time of transition? -- Concerned Friend, Far Rockaway, N.Y.

DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: Your friend must be counting her blessings because she is alive, even though her belongings are gone. That is the right attitude, though it can be incredibly difficult for someone who has been overcome by such tragedy to stand in that space.

What you can do is stay in close touch with her. If she asks for help in visiting apartments or anything else, do your best to be available to support her. She may want to talk about what happened or what the future holds. Chances are, she could use a good friend who is a great listener. Do not bring up her loss. If she wants to talk about it, she will.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a single male who has been seeing a young lady for quite some time. We like each other, but I have some reservations about our relationship.

There is a rule that says you should not commit to a relationship during major holidays such as Christmas, Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving. I know this may sound bizarre, but I don't want to get into a serious relationship during the holiday season. I want to keep our relationship "title free," if you know what I mean. What do you think? -- Slightly Committed, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR SLIGHTLY COMMITTED: You are letting superstition get the best of you. You don't have to get down on one knee on any particular holiday if you don't want to. But also don't make the mistake of believing some "rule," whose origin you don't even know, for fear that the relationship will be jinxed.