Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My good friend's birthday party is coming up. I am excited to go, because I haven't seen him and that group of friends in a long time because of my work schedule.

I told him I would be there before I knew the details of the party theme: S&M. Sexy, kinky, whips, all of the above.

I don't want to take part in dressing up, but on the invitation, it says everyone must have a costume. I don't want to not go. What should I do? -- No Kinks, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR NO KINKS: I know you want to hang out with your friends, but I assure you that this is not the right setting. If you are not interested in S&M, you will probably feel awkward the entire time you are at the party.

Call your friend. Tell him that although you will not be able to make it to his party, you would like to treat him to dinner sometime soon for his birthday. If he asks why, tell him the truth: You just aren't into S&M.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Friends have invited me to their house for Hanukkah. This will be my first time visiting their house and my first time attending a Jewish celebration.

What is an appropriate holiday gift? I am not Jewish, and I don't want to make a mistake. I feel really honored to be included and don't want to do anything inappropriate. -- Hanukkah Novice, Nashville, Tenn.

DEAR HANUKKAH NOVICE: Relax. There's no need to feel ashamed that you don't know Jewish traditions. Your friends are not expecting you to be an expert. What's wonderful is that they have chosen to include you.

At the celebration, you likely will learn about the traditions of Hanukkah. Be open to the experience, and ask your friends questions when you are unsure.

Being proactive would be even better. By starting the discussion in advance, you can break the ice. Tell your friends that you are excited about attending but feel a little uneasy about what to expect. Ask for guidance. Also ask if there's anything special that you can bring or make for the celebration.

One other thing you can do is to read about the holiday ahead of time. Here's one comprehensive article to get you started: religionfacts.com/judaism/holidays/hanukkah.htm.

As far as an appropriate gift, think about what your friends like. Traditional hostess gifts such as candles, guest bath soaps or flowers are great. Wine is also a good gift, but you may want to bring kosher wine just in case.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is the manager at her company. She is incredible, and everyone loves her. She is constantly making sure that everyone is taken care of, no matter the time of day.

She has been working overtime recently because of Hurricane Sandy, which impacted the lives of everyone at her office, including her own family. She spent her week off (due to the hurricane) making sure her team members were safe and accounted for.

Upon returning to the office, her dedication and sincerity have gone unnoticed. Her own living situation has been affected, so she has been living with me, and when she comes home, she feels empty and hurt. She has even contemplated quitting her job because she feels that all her work goes unnoticed and her team doesn't appreciate her.

I understand there is a lot of stress because of the devastation Sandy has caused to many, but I don't know how to comfort her. Of course, I'd like to say something to her team, but I am in no position to do that. How can I encourage her to press through this difficult time in her life? -- Sad Friend, Atlantic City, N.J.

DEAR SAD FRIEND: What many people across the country don't realize is how long people will be suffering in the wake of this horrific storm. Even those who were in the midst of it, like your friend's co-workers, may not have a good sense of how their lives have been undone -- especially if your friend has eased their burdens significantly.

Many people could be in a state of shock because of how their lives have been undone. Because your friend is a caretaker naturally, she went into overdrive to help others, when she actually needed some TLC herself. A simple thank-you goes so far, yet people can be incredibly rude and shortsighted about basic good manners.

Pamper your friend any way you can so she knows that, at least at home -- albeit a temporary residence -- she is valued. You might also recommend that she get some counseling support. Having a professional help her navigate this emotionally heart-wrenching time could be invaluable for her. It would be great for her to learn how to take care of herself first, even as she continues to care for others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an email from friends, inviting me to their home for the holidays. I went to their house last year, and I got sick and was in bed for three days.

I'm not sure I want to go to their house this year. I haven't answered the invitation yet. How do I turn them down without hurting their feelings? -- Wary Guest, Chicago

DEAR WARY GUEST: Thank your friends for the invitation and tell them you have made other plans.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 21-year-daughter who is in culinary school. She is doing well, and she is looking forward to becoming a chef at a five-star restaurant.

I'm a 40-year-old single mother. I currently stay with my parents to save money while my daughter is in culinary school. She is expected to graduate in 2013, and I'm excited that she is nearly finished with school. I'm really looking forward to dating again, with the goal of being married.

I received an email from my daughter last week saying that she would like to stay in culinary school for an additional year. I support my daughter 100 percent, but I really want to start my life. What should I do? -- On Hold, Salt Lake City

DEAR ON HOLD: Talk to your daughter about tuition options. Perhaps she can get a scholarship or loan to complete school, without it being such a burden on you. Especially if she is a good student, there may be financial aid options that can ease your burden.

As far as your personal life goes, you don't have to put it on hold until your daughter completes school. If you want to date, go for it. I'm sure it's awkward living with your parents as an adult. But I bet you can negotiate "house rules" that give you more flexibility than you may currently have. You may not feel comfortable having "sleepovers," but if you are looking to get married, it's probably best to take it slow anyway.

The point here is that your life need not be on hold while your daughter's life is unfolding. Both of you can live and prosper.

By the way, if your daughter has to struggle a little to complete her studies, that may be a good thing. Oftentimes a bit of struggle helps people value what they have even more.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a male friend of whom I have grown quite fond over the last three years. We have been inseparable, spending all of our free time together. Our mutual friends thought we were on the road to marriage.

To the surprise of many, he recently decided to see another woman. I'm happy for him -- honestly, I am. I learned a lot from spending time with him, though I thought we would be an item. I'm 27, and I met him when I was 24. I do not feel like I have wasted three years of my life. I'm a little heartbroken, but I will bounce back.

We are members of the same church, and I would like to know what I should say when I see him. -- It Wasn't Meant To Be, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE: I'm sorry this friend didn't choose you as his partner. It will hurt for a while, but the best you can do is to be gracious.

When you see him, say "hello" and keep moving. Don't linger. Realign yourself with other friends, but resist commiserating with them about him.