Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a vegetarian for about five months. This might not seem like a problem, but all of my family members are huge meat eaters. I haven't told anyone yet about my decision because of the backlash I would get.

The holidays are right around the corner, and I'm nervous about seeing the whole family and revealing my secret. I can't keep it from them, because they will know, and we don't have a traditional spread. Our main course consists of steak (along with the turkey)! I know they will make it a big deal and will argue with my decision.

How can I prepare for this conversation? I want them to respect me for not eating meat, not treat me like an alien. -- Vegetarian, Washington, D.C.

DEAR VEGETARIAN: I'm not sure you will have as big a problem as you imagine, largely because people do not pay as much attention to what others eat as you think. If you fill your plate with all of the vegetables your family is serving and eat a hearty meal, you will be demonstrating that you are a healthy eater.

If asked why your plate is meatless, you can explain that you have chosen to stop eating meat for a while. You can ease your family into the notion of your new eating habits without scaring them by telling them this is a several-months-old practice that you are trying. Be prepared to explain why, preferably without bad-mouthing their eating choices. For example, if you have become a vegetarian because you want to lower your cholesterol or lose weight, make sure to center your explanation on your own body rather than suggest what vegetarianism might do for them. If you are now flesh-averse, you should keep that to yourself. You don't want to offend them.

You also don't want to worry your family. Many people believe that a vegetarian lifestyle does not provide adequate nutrition. Make sure you know what foods provide which nutrients so you can describe that if asked. But please don't visit with the intention of educating anyone.

Go to enjoy time with your family. Eat well and relax. Your state of mind will help them to relax, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that I will not be able to take off at all during the holidays, because we just got a big new project at work and my boss wants all hands on deck. My family and I were planning to go out of town to visit my wife's parents. My wife and three kids are really excited about it. Should I let them go without me? -- Work-Bound, Flint, Mich.

DEAR WORK-BOUND: It is generous and wise of you to recommend that your wife and children continue with your plans for the holidays. In this way, they can spend time with your in-laws, and you can focus on the work at hand.

If there's any way at all that you can go, even on the weekend, that would be great. If not, be sure to talk to them each day so you stay connected.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My good friend's birthday party is coming up. I am excited to go, because I haven't seen him and that group of friends in a long time because of my work schedule.

I told him I would be there before I knew the details of the party theme: S&M. Sexy, kinky, whips, all of the above.

I don't want to take part in dressing up, but on the invitation, it says everyone must have a costume. I don't want to not go. What should I do? -- No Kinks, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR NO KINKS: I know you want to hang out with your friends, but I assure you that this is not the right setting. If you are not interested in S&M, you will probably feel awkward the entire time you are at the party.

Call your friend. Tell him that although you will not be able to make it to his party, you would like to treat him to dinner sometime soon for his birthday. If he asks why, tell him the truth: You just aren't into S&M.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Friends have invited me to their house for Hanukkah. This will be my first time visiting their house and my first time attending a Jewish celebration.

What is an appropriate holiday gift? I am not Jewish, and I don't want to make a mistake. I feel really honored to be included and don't want to do anything inappropriate. -- Hanukkah Novice, Nashville, Tenn.

DEAR HANUKKAH NOVICE: Relax. There's no need to feel ashamed that you don't know Jewish traditions. Your friends are not expecting you to be an expert. What's wonderful is that they have chosen to include you.

At the celebration, you likely will learn about the traditions of Hanukkah. Be open to the experience, and ask your friends questions when you are unsure.

Being proactive would be even better. By starting the discussion in advance, you can break the ice. Tell your friends that you are excited about attending but feel a little uneasy about what to expect. Ask for guidance. Also ask if there's anything special that you can bring or make for the celebration.

One other thing you can do is to read about the holiday ahead of time. Here's one comprehensive article to get you started: religionfacts.com/judaism/holidays/hanukkah.htm.

As far as an appropriate gift, think about what your friends like. Traditional hostess gifts such as candles, guest bath soaps or flowers are great. Wine is also a good gift, but you may want to bring kosher wine just in case.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is the manager at her company. She is incredible, and everyone loves her. She is constantly making sure that everyone is taken care of, no matter the time of day.

She has been working overtime recently because of Hurricane Sandy, which impacted the lives of everyone at her office, including her own family. She spent her week off (due to the hurricane) making sure her team members were safe and accounted for.

Upon returning to the office, her dedication and sincerity have gone unnoticed. Her own living situation has been affected, so she has been living with me, and when she comes home, she feels empty and hurt. She has even contemplated quitting her job because she feels that all her work goes unnoticed and her team doesn't appreciate her.

I understand there is a lot of stress because of the devastation Sandy has caused to many, but I don't know how to comfort her. Of course, I'd like to say something to her team, but I am in no position to do that. How can I encourage her to press through this difficult time in her life? -- Sad Friend, Atlantic City, N.J.

DEAR SAD FRIEND: What many people across the country don't realize is how long people will be suffering in the wake of this horrific storm. Even those who were in the midst of it, like your friend's co-workers, may not have a good sense of how their lives have been undone -- especially if your friend has eased their burdens significantly.

Many people could be in a state of shock because of how their lives have been undone. Because your friend is a caretaker naturally, she went into overdrive to help others, when she actually needed some TLC herself. A simple thank-you goes so far, yet people can be incredibly rude and shortsighted about basic good manners.

Pamper your friend any way you can so she knows that, at least at home -- albeit a temporary residence -- she is valued. You might also recommend that she get some counseling support. Having a professional help her navigate this emotionally heart-wrenching time could be invaluable for her. It would be great for her to learn how to take care of herself first, even as she continues to care for others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an email from friends, inviting me to their home for the holidays. I went to their house last year, and I got sick and was in bed for three days.

I'm not sure I want to go to their house this year. I haven't answered the invitation yet. How do I turn them down without hurting their feelings? -- Wary Guest, Chicago

DEAR WARY GUEST: Thank your friends for the invitation and tell them you have made other plans.