Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: After some corporate restructuring, I now have a manager in another state instead of a local manager. My new manager is a nice person, but in the six months since the transfer, I've spoken to him only a few times, and I don't hear from him about anything I'm working on or that I'm supposed to be doing.

I know I have become complacent in my position and have not kept up with current technology like I should -- and I'm in IT. Now I'm scared to let the new manager know how much I don't know. I believe that I can complete any tasks assigned to me now, but maybe not for the future. We are implementing a new corporatewide computer system and I am on the team, but I don't get any notifications of meetings or have any specific tasks assigned to me.

Should I continue to fly under the radar, or should I request a phone conference with the new manager and voice all of my concerns? I have always felt needed and knowledgeable here in my location, but now I am feeling like I'm overlooked and not needed. If I become an active member of the project team, I would be required to travel four days of every week, and I don't like to leave my home and family. -- In Hiding, Chicago

DEAR IN HIDING: First, decide what you want for yourself in this job. If you want to remain part of the team, it's time to drop your complacency and set a course for success. That means figuring out what you need to learn so that you can be up-to-date in your IT knowledge. Being proactive is essential to your success.

Of course you should develop a relationship with your new boss. Ask him about the new system and how he would like for you to help implement it. Point out that you are on the project team but haven't been given assignments yet. Let him know that you think you need additional training to do your best at your job. Tell him you have already begun looking into educational support. Ask what kind of training is available at your company.

Talk with your family about the possibility of significant travel. If it's something you can do for a specific period, you may want to go for it -- at least until you are able to find another job.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to visit my sister and her family and noticed that the teenagers -- ages 13 and 14 -- were drinking coffee. I think they are too young for that.

They are going to be staying with me for a week while their parents go on vacation, and I am not going to allow them to drink coffee. Am I being too strict? I feel like when they are in my house, they have to follow my rules. -- Concerned Auntie, Orlando, Fla.

DEAR CONCERNED AUNTIE: When in your house, underage family members can definitely follow your protocol, i.e., no coffee.

FYI: There are many arguments on each side about whether coffee is bad for children. Caffeine intake is a big part of the concern. Talk to your sister about your concern, as she is the one ultimately overseeing her children.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out to the West Coast for work. I hadn't been there in such a long time that I forgot to contact some of my friends who live out there. I was there for only two days and had to make work the priority, but still I feel bad. Two of my closest friends from childhood live out there, and I didn't even call them. They heard I was there, because one friend I did call met me and we had dinner together. So now the others' feelings are hurt.

How can I fix this? The last thing I was trying to do is hurt their feelings. -- Need to Make Up, Washington, D.C.

DEAR NEED TO MAKE UP: Call your friends and express your sadness that you didn't get a chance to see them. Let them vent, if they choose to do so, because you know they miss you. Make it clear that you realize you could have handled your trip differently and that you are sorry you didn't plan to get together with them.

Do your best to stay in touch using modern technology. Talk about when you may be in one another's towns and can try again to get together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend's niece just got arrested for shoplifting. He is so upset about it, and I don't know how to help him.

She has been misbehaving for a long time. She is 15 years old and is always doing crazy things, like staying out all night, smoking drugs and not going to school. She was always kind of bad, but after her grandmother died, she got a lot worse.

What can I do to help him? He keeps asking me for advice. -- Worried, New Orleans, La.

DEAR WORRIED: The best thing this family can do for their troubled teen is to get her mental health support. She should visit a counselor with whom she can talk about her life, the loss of her grandmother and her choices. She needs to have a safe space to be able to talk about what's happening in her life and learn that it's possible for her to decide her fate.

Some parents in these situations also choose to send their children to schools for so-called delinquent teens, where they are immersed in learning discipline. Other families have used the military as a tool to help teach their teens right from wrong. Sometimes the structure is particularly helpful for young people who have behaved recklessly over time.

Most important is for your friend's niece to be able to grieve and heal. She needs to know that she is loved, even though her behavior is unacceptable. Your friend also needs to know that the adults in his family probably cannot handle her challenges on their own. They, too, should seek professional help.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a vegetarian for about five months. This might not seem like a problem, but all of my family members are huge meat eaters. I haven't told anyone yet about my decision because of the backlash I would get.

The holidays are right around the corner, and I'm nervous about seeing the whole family and revealing my secret. I can't keep it from them, because they will know, and we don't have a traditional spread. Our main course consists of steak (along with the turkey)! I know they will make it a big deal and will argue with my decision.

How can I prepare for this conversation? I want them to respect me for not eating meat, not treat me like an alien. -- Vegetarian, Washington, D.C.

DEAR VEGETARIAN: I'm not sure you will have as big a problem as you imagine, largely because people do not pay as much attention to what others eat as you think. If you fill your plate with all of the vegetables your family is serving and eat a hearty meal, you will be demonstrating that you are a healthy eater.

If asked why your plate is meatless, you can explain that you have chosen to stop eating meat for a while. You can ease your family into the notion of your new eating habits without scaring them by telling them this is a several-months-old practice that you are trying. Be prepared to explain why, preferably without bad-mouthing their eating choices. For example, if you have become a vegetarian because you want to lower your cholesterol or lose weight, make sure to center your explanation on your own body rather than suggest what vegetarianism might do for them. If you are now flesh-averse, you should keep that to yourself. You don't want to offend them.

You also don't want to worry your family. Many people believe that a vegetarian lifestyle does not provide adequate nutrition. Make sure you know what foods provide which nutrients so you can describe that if asked. But please don't visit with the intention of educating anyone.

Go to enjoy time with your family. Eat well and relax. Your state of mind will help them to relax, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that I will not be able to take off at all during the holidays, because we just got a big new project at work and my boss wants all hands on deck. My family and I were planning to go out of town to visit my wife's parents. My wife and three kids are really excited about it. Should I let them go without me? -- Work-Bound, Flint, Mich.

DEAR WORK-BOUND: It is generous and wise of you to recommend that your wife and children continue with your plans for the holidays. In this way, they can spend time with your in-laws, and you can focus on the work at hand.

If there's any way at all that you can go, even on the weekend, that would be great. If not, be sure to talk to them each day so you stay connected.