Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm currently separated from my wife, and she invited me to have Christmas dinner at her parents' house. I'm not too keen on the idea of spending my holiday with her family, and I don't feel like answering questions regarding my relationship with my wife. I know this may be the first step toward reconciling my relationship with my wife, but I don't think it would be a great idea to spend time with her family. What are your thoughts? -- Thanks But No Thanks, Newark, N.J.

DEAR THANKS BUT NO THANKS: What are your thoughts about reconciliation? Do you remember the details of why you and your wife chose to be apart? The two of you need to deal with the key issues in your relationship, not filter them through the prism of her parents' thoughts, feelings and urgings.

Instead of spending time at your in-laws' home during the holidays, request a meeting with your wife to talk about where your relationship stands and where you are headed.

Thank her parents for the invitation. As you decline, let them and her know that you think it is best for the two of you to work through your relationship alone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Today marks my 15th year working at the same company. I'm having mixed feeling about my tenure at this company. I became comfortable with the money and the perks. I never chased my dreams, and I think it may be too late for me to become an entrepreneur. My wings have been clipped, and I'm afraid to step out on faith and follow my dreams. I see a better life for me, but I'm afraid. -- A Dream Deferred, Chicago

DEAR A DREAM DEFERRED: I want to congratulate you on your 15th anniversary. That is no small feat in today's economy. Rather than feeling sad, be grateful for what you have achieved. Your attitude is essential to any future success you hope to have.

Your gratitude doesn't mean you need to be complacent. If you think you really want to do something else, figure out what that is. Write down your dreams and goals. Think about the things you never allowed yourself to consider in the past. What entrepreneurial pursuits get you excited?

Now do some research. You can gain some knowledge, perhaps by taking a class, and perhaps even start a side business that will whet your appetite for what you want to do next.

You can start small by making your entrepreneurial idea a second job. See what happens as you focus on this idea. Perhaps you can grow it into something profitable that will allow you to leave your job one day and pursue your dream full time. Even if that's not the case, just doing the thing you have wanted to do for so long may fill the creative hole in your life, making you feel more fulfilled personally, which in turn can make you tackle your longtime job with renewed gusto.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I decided to go back to college after a 15-year hiatus. I'm excited and nervous all at once. I'm excited to go back, because I will be able to finish and get my degree. I'm nervous, because I do not want to quit this time around. I would like to develop an action plan to help me calm my nerves about going back to college. -- College Man, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR COLLEGE MAN: Congratulations on having the courage to pursue your education after so much time has passed. Deciding to complete your college education and position yourself for greater success, especially in this challenging economy, is smart. It's also smart for you to know that you should put together an action plan for success.

I recommend that you write out your goals, along with strategies for completing them. I firmly believe in writing everything down. When you record what has to be done, you have a better chance of staying on top of things.

Use a calendar to create a timeline that includes all the deadlines you are aware of from school. Assign alerts to key deadlines so that you have support in developing the discipline for success.

Find out if you can get an adviser or mentor at your school who can support you as you navigate this new territory.

Your drive to get your degree can be your fuel for when you sometimes feel overwhelmed. You can do it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think your advice to "On the Fence" about developing a relationship with a woman who is three months pregnant by a man who is in prison for two years was great -- as far as it went. However, I think you need to add that "On the Fence" needs to consider this: What if he and this woman -- and, in six months, her baby -- become a family? In two years, when the child is 18 months old, is he willing to face the prospect of dealing with an ex-convict father who is pressing for visitation rights? -- Thinking Ahead, Washington, D.C.

DEAR THINKING AHEAD: Great point. Whenever you become family with someone who already has a child, there's the likelihood that you will have to interact with the other parent. Indeed, constructive interaction is a positive thing, because it shows that both parents care about the child. But when the parent in question is an ex-convict, there's the chance that the road to peaceful interaction could be rocky, primarily because that parent was literally unable to be present while in jail.

I think that "On the Fence" should consider all factors relating to what the family composition may look like and what the challenges may be with the biological dad before he decides to step into this loving bond. It is complicated.

Quite frankly, it would be best if the biological dad, though in prison, were made aware of the development of the new family unit, so he isn't met with a surprise upon release.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After some corporate restructuring, I now have a manager in another state instead of a local manager. My new manager is a nice person, but in the six months since the transfer, I've spoken to him only a few times, and I don't hear from him about anything I'm working on or that I'm supposed to be doing.

I know I have become complacent in my position and have not kept up with current technology like I should -- and I'm in IT. Now I'm scared to let the new manager know how much I don't know. I believe that I can complete any tasks assigned to me now, but maybe not for the future. We are implementing a new corporatewide computer system and I am on the team, but I don't get any notifications of meetings or have any specific tasks assigned to me.

Should I continue to fly under the radar, or should I request a phone conference with the new manager and voice all of my concerns? I have always felt needed and knowledgeable here in my location, but now I am feeling like I'm overlooked and not needed. If I become an active member of the project team, I would be required to travel four days of every week, and I don't like to leave my home and family. -- In Hiding, Chicago

DEAR IN HIDING: First, decide what you want for yourself in this job. If you want to remain part of the team, it's time to drop your complacency and set a course for success. That means figuring out what you need to learn so that you can be up-to-date in your IT knowledge. Being proactive is essential to your success.

Of course you should develop a relationship with your new boss. Ask him about the new system and how he would like for you to help implement it. Point out that you are on the project team but haven't been given assignments yet. Let him know that you think you need additional training to do your best at your job. Tell him you have already begun looking into educational support. Ask what kind of training is available at your company.

Talk with your family about the possibility of significant travel. If it's something you can do for a specific period, you may want to go for it -- at least until you are able to find another job.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to visit my sister and her family and noticed that the teenagers -- ages 13 and 14 -- were drinking coffee. I think they are too young for that.

They are going to be staying with me for a week while their parents go on vacation, and I am not going to allow them to drink coffee. Am I being too strict? I feel like when they are in my house, they have to follow my rules. -- Concerned Auntie, Orlando, Fla.

DEAR CONCERNED AUNTIE: When in your house, underage family members can definitely follow your protocol, i.e., no coffee.

FYI: There are many arguments on each side about whether coffee is bad for children. Caffeine intake is a big part of the concern. Talk to your sister about your concern, as she is the one ultimately overseeing her children.