Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: The time is quickly approaching when I have to give a gazillion tips, it seems, to everybody in my life. I live and work in an apartment building that employs about 15 people, from the super to the maintenance guy. Last year I was so tight for cash that I was not able to give any of them tips. In turn, several of them gave me the cold shoulder for months. One doorman didn't ring for four months before letting people come up. Others hardly spoke. I felt horrible, but I didn't have anything to give.

I am not making that mistake this year. I have saved so that I can give them something. But I remember last year, and it makes me mad that they would treat me so badly. I feel like this is almost a shakedown. -- Put Upon, Manhattan, N.Y.

DEAR PUT UPON: Workers in the service industry expect some kind of tip from everybody whose lives they have touched, particularly at the holidays. You are smart to have saved money for this purpose, especially since you were slighted last year for not tipping the people who support you in your building.

Rather than being mad at these people, be compassionate. Tipping is part of the cycle of their lives. They rely on this extra money to support themselves. Give what you can to each of them, and include a nice card that expresses your gratitude for their support. The amount you tip is not as important as the fact that you give them something, although the more generous you are, the more grateful they will be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year I asked my friends to give money to a charity rather than to my kids for the holidays. I wanted my kids to know that their good will can go to help others. The idea was to have my friends give in my kids' names. They would get the notification that a gift had been given on their behalf, and that would help to reinforce the active practice of giving to others.

The problem is, except for one, my friends didn't do it. They got turned off by the idea that they couldn't give directly to my kids, so they just kept their money. I understand that this is their prerogative, but it doesn't change that I want to teach this lesson to my kids. What should I do this year? -- Teaching Generosity, Racine, Wis.

DEAR TEACHING GENEROSITY: Why don't you teach this lesson to your children directly? Suggest that they select one or two holiday gifts for themselves, while also selecting items to give to children who are in need. Take your children to the store to buy gifts for children whose parents may not be able to afford them. Have your children wrap the presents, then deliver them to a church, charity or other organization that you identify together as worthy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter got a bike for her birthday a couple of years ago, and she still can't ride it. Now that she's 10, she is embarrassed that she hasn't learned to ride while all of her friends can.

I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I want her to learn and be free to experience this childhood joy. She doesn't want to learn from me. What can I do? -- Frustrated Mom, Flint, Mich.

DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: If you believe that your daughter really does want to learn but it just hasn't happened yet, find a neutral party to help. A patient adult who is a good teacher -- perhaps someone from a bike shop or from the local YMCA -- could give your daughter a few lessons. Or, if your daughter has a friend she trusts who is a good rider, they could have private lessons together. The camaraderie may help your daughter gain confidence, which is half the battle in being able to keep her balance and ride like the wind!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My identity was stolen, and I lost all of my email contacts. It is so frustrating. What's more, a few friends have told me they are mad because I haven't responded to their emails. I explain that my account was shut down because of identity theft, and I ask them to give me their info again. Although they give it to me, they look at me funny, like they don't believe me. I don't know what else to tell them, other than to go through the whole long story of how I lost everything and have to start over.

Why can't they believe me and be supportive? I am trying to rebuild my contact list. It's not personal that I can't remember their phone number or email address. I got hacked. -- Violated, New York

DEAR VIOLATED: I, too, have had my identity stolen through email and social media, so I know what you are dealing with. If your friends have not had such a harrowing experience, they don't know what a complete violation this hacking can be to your life.

The best you can do is continue to reach out and ask your friends to help you by providing their information again. If they are unsympathetic, chalk it up to ignorance (they really don't understand) and move on.

In the future, you should save your contact information in more than one location -- and preferably in writing -- so your key contacts don't disappear in times of emergency.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am dreading going home to see family this year. I have gained about 50 pounds since I saw them two years ago, and I can already hear their comments. While I miss my family terribly, I am in no mood for a lecture. I know that I'm not in optimal health. I don't need everybody I see to remind me.

Is there anything I can do to head them off before they lay into me? If not, I think I will skip the trip. -- Feeling Fat, Los Angeles

DEAR FEELING FAT: Do you have a particular family member in whom you can confide? Maybe you can find an ally who will support you in discouraging other family members from riding you about your weight. You probably won't be able to get everybody off your back, but you can say something when they start.

Admit that you know you have gained weight and need to do something about it. Tell them that you are happy to see them and that it makes you uncomfortable when they pick at you about your weight. Ask them to love you and leave you alone.

This may be easier said than done, but you are most likely to get the treatment you want if you request it. Your family members probably don't realize how uncomfortable or even hurtful their comments are for you. Pointing it out may help them to quiet down.

I encourage you to get a physical and talk to your doctor about how you can improve your health. You deserve to be happy and healthy. It is up to you to make the choices that will lead you in that direction. Good luck!

DEAR HARRIETTE: The young people in my family love to take pictures and post them on their social media websites. I do not care for this. I don't want my picture posted, and I definitely do not want the pictures of my children posted. Whenever I say this to the teens and young adults, they call me weird and outdated and post them anyway. I want this to stop.

I know that as it relates to minors, people are supposed to have photo releases signed in order to run their photos, right? Does this apply to social media? And can I actually sue my family to stop their postings? -- No Photos Please, Shreveport, La.

DEAR NO PHOTOS PLEASE: In this day and age of people posting their every move, as well as those of their friends and loved ones, it does seem difficult to control images of you and your children.

Each social media site has its own rules, which you will need to check. If you do not want images of your children who are younger than 13 to appear on Facebook, for example, you can write to the company, provide a link to the image(s) in question and request that they be removed. Children ages 13 to 17 have to ask Facebook directly have images removed, unless the laws in your state prohibit the posting of that image without permission.

Meanwhile, talk to the adults in the group and explain your position. Ask them to stop posting your children's photos. Tell them if they don't stop posting, you will stop visiting.