Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. We had a rocky relationship for a while, but recently we worked through it and are in a better place. She has a lot of problems in her home life with her family, and she's younger than me.

My friends and her friends have been urging us to break up, but I think we're doing better. They're also biased, because some of her friends have never liked me, and vice versa with my friends.

Are my friends seeing something I'm not? Should I listen to them? -- Struggling in Love, Saginaw, Mich.

DEAR STRUGGLING IN LOVE: You and your girlfriend should stop listening to your friends for a moment and talk to each other. Review your goals and dreams for your lives. Speak honestly about the challenges you both face. Figure out if you even want to be together considering the issues in your path.

If you both want to remain a couple, tell your friends together and ask for their support. You also may want to get some counseling help to determine how best to work through your struggles.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Many heartbroken single women write to you about being used and dumped, like "Alone in San Francisco."

Do you ask: "You saw him and you as a couple, but did this man commit himself to you by proposing marriage? If not, did you have sex with him anyhow? If so, that's why you're so miserably heartbroken. During sexual intercourse, your body releases a flood of oxytocin that powerfully bonds you to this man. Breaking that bond breaks your heart.

"If you were good friends in a nonsexual relationship and broke up without ever getting married, you could break the relationship with much less heartbreak. Please let that forewarn you regarding future relationships. You can save yourself from a lot of emotional grief and the risk of dreadful physical complications.

"In many common procedures, like cooking a meal, doing things in the right order brings good results. Doing them out of order brings disaster."

Your readers deserve responsible advice from such a wise, insightful columnist. Include more prevention along with your intervention. -- Bound by Faith, Saginaw Mich.

DEAR BOUND BY FAITH: Thank you for your letter. What I often tell people who are brokenhearted in relationships is that there is a very different way to look at a relationship from the start. I recommend that they consider which qualities they find interesting and appealing in a partner. I suggest they go slowly and take the time to get to know each other before considering intimacy. I encourage spending time with each other's friends and family so they can get a sense of whether they are well suited for each other in the long run.

I also know that many younger and older couples are having sex far too early in a relationship, as well as commonly before marriage. Is that my recommendation? Of course not. But I do my best to give them advice on how to manage their lives as well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The time is quickly approaching when I have to give a gazillion tips, it seems, to everybody in my life. I live and work in an apartment building that employs about 15 people, from the super to the maintenance guy. Last year I was so tight for cash that I was not able to give any of them tips. In turn, several of them gave me the cold shoulder for months. One doorman didn't ring for four months before letting people come up. Others hardly spoke. I felt horrible, but I didn't have anything to give.

I am not making that mistake this year. I have saved so that I can give them something. But I remember last year, and it makes me mad that they would treat me so badly. I feel like this is almost a shakedown. -- Put Upon, Manhattan, N.Y.

DEAR PUT UPON: Workers in the service industry expect some kind of tip from everybody whose lives they have touched, particularly at the holidays. You are smart to have saved money for this purpose, especially since you were slighted last year for not tipping the people who support you in your building.

Rather than being mad at these people, be compassionate. Tipping is part of the cycle of their lives. They rely on this extra money to support themselves. Give what you can to each of them, and include a nice card that expresses your gratitude for their support. The amount you tip is not as important as the fact that you give them something, although the more generous you are, the more grateful they will be.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year I asked my friends to give money to a charity rather than to my kids for the holidays. I wanted my kids to know that their good will can go to help others. The idea was to have my friends give in my kids' names. They would get the notification that a gift had been given on their behalf, and that would help to reinforce the active practice of giving to others.

The problem is, except for one, my friends didn't do it. They got turned off by the idea that they couldn't give directly to my kids, so they just kept their money. I understand that this is their prerogative, but it doesn't change that I want to teach this lesson to my kids. What should I do this year? -- Teaching Generosity, Racine, Wis.

DEAR TEACHING GENEROSITY: Why don't you teach this lesson to your children directly? Suggest that they select one or two holiday gifts for themselves, while also selecting items to give to children who are in need. Take your children to the store to buy gifts for children whose parents may not be able to afford them. Have your children wrap the presents, then deliver them to a church, charity or other organization that you identify together as worthy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter got a bike for her birthday a couple of years ago, and she still can't ride it. Now that she's 10, she is embarrassed that she hasn't learned to ride while all of her friends can.

I don't want her to feel embarrassed. I want her to learn and be free to experience this childhood joy. She doesn't want to learn from me. What can I do? -- Frustrated Mom, Flint, Mich.

DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: If you believe that your daughter really does want to learn but it just hasn't happened yet, find a neutral party to help. A patient adult who is a good teacher -- perhaps someone from a bike shop or from the local YMCA -- could give your daughter a few lessons. Or, if your daughter has a friend she trusts who is a good rider, they could have private lessons together. The camaraderie may help your daughter gain confidence, which is half the battle in being able to keep her balance and ride like the wind!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My identity was stolen, and I lost all of my email contacts. It is so frustrating. What's more, a few friends have told me they are mad because I haven't responded to their emails. I explain that my account was shut down because of identity theft, and I ask them to give me their info again. Although they give it to me, they look at me funny, like they don't believe me. I don't know what else to tell them, other than to go through the whole long story of how I lost everything and have to start over.

Why can't they believe me and be supportive? I am trying to rebuild my contact list. It's not personal that I can't remember their phone number or email address. I got hacked. -- Violated, New York

DEAR VIOLATED: I, too, have had my identity stolen through email and social media, so I know what you are dealing with. If your friends have not had such a harrowing experience, they don't know what a complete violation this hacking can be to your life.

The best you can do is continue to reach out and ask your friends to help you by providing their information again. If they are unsympathetic, chalk it up to ignorance (they really don't understand) and move on.

In the future, you should save your contact information in more than one location -- and preferably in writing -- so your key contacts don't disappear in times of emergency.