Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently received a phone call from a female friend whom I haven't heard from in more than six months. She invited me to her house for a drink or two and whatever the night might lead to.

Any normal man would jump at the opportunity to go to a woman's home. But I'm hesitant about visiting this woman. I think she is a little crazy, and I prefer to have a friendship from afar.

We are scheduled to have another conversation this evening, and I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying that I'm not interested in going to her home. I don't know what to do. -- At a Distance, Newark N.J.

DEAR AT A DISTANCE: The great news is that you are clear about your feelings and intentions. Don't sway from that.

Basically, it sounds like this woman has reached out to you for what many now describe as a "booty call." Good for you that you don't want to get involved in that with her. Compounding the dubious nature of her invitation is your thought that she is not mentally fit.

You have to make a decision: Do you want to see her at all? If you do, you could invite her to meet you in a public place for coffee, dinner or drinks. If you don't, just tell her that you are sorry, but you are not available to meet up with her. You don't have to be rude about letting her down, but don't lead her on, either.

If she asks for a rain date, make it clear what you are willing to do, meaning a) no, if you don't want to see her, b) yes, in a public setting, or c) maybe, but not at her home.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've had a crush on a friend for a while. I told him, and he had no reaction. I even asked if he liked me, and he completely avoided the question and changed the subject. I thought this meant he's just not interested, but he's never awkward about it and he's never brought it up. Everyone around us thinks there's something going on between us. Is he not interested, or should I try to bring it up again? -- Longing for Love, Philadelphia

DEAR LONGING FOR LOVE: I'm sorry to report to you that your friend has answered by saying nothing. It sounds like he wants to remain your friend and isn't sure how to respond to you. Unfortunately, when you put your feelings out there and get nothing as a response, it can feel awkward to move forward.

You have to decide if you can remain friends despite your feelings for him. If so, do your best to relax back into a platonic friendship. And, by all means, keep your eyes open. Mr. Right may be in your midst and you don't even realize it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Since my wife and I got married two years ago, my relationship with her parents has been strained. It's now at the point where they've washed their hands of me. There is a definite personality and culture clash, and I'm not sure how to overcome it.

It started two months after we got married, when I was laid off. I was unemployed for three months before I found a dead-end job that barely paid the bills. During that time, my in-laws gossiped about my job situation to their friends, their pastor and anyone else who would listen. Whenever I've confronted my in-laws about this (by politely asking them not to talk about my personal matters to other people, and to find another topic to discuss with me), they've responded by rolling their eyes.

Another issue that bothered me had to do with my previous marriage. Whenever any disagreement came up, my in-laws' response was that I had unresolved anger toward my former in-laws and former wife and that they weren't doing anything wrong.

Things came to a head at my last birthday. My in-laws were very judgmental about how I chose to celebrate. When they presented me with a birthday gift, I responded that I wouldn't accept it because of their judgmental attitude toward me, along with the disrespect they showed me by their continued job-related gossip.

I've seen them face-to-face only twice since the beginning of the summer. Both times, it was tense and confrontational. My father-in-law and I ended up in a screaming match, and we departed in disgust. When we met last month, I tried to be diplomatic but firm as I established the boundaries. My in-laws accused me of playing the victim card, and then my father-in-law told my wife he regretted ever giving her to me in marriage. My wife, to her credit, said her place was beside me.

My wife visited her parents over the Thanksgiving weekend. My father-in-law told her they would not get me anything for Christmas and didn't want anything from me, either. Also, he said I was banished from their home, presence, etc., until I apologized for every sin I've ever committed against them.

Please advise me on how to resolve this. Frankly, the only reason I care about this whole situation is because they are my wife's parents. -- Desperate for Peace, Middle River, Md.

DEAR DESPERATE FOR PEACE: Your in-laws probably thought they were offering an olive branch when they gave you a birthday present.

To turn the tide on this relationship, approach them -- with your wife -- and apologize for any pain you may have caused. Suggest that you wipe the slate clean and start over. Tell them that you never intended to hurt them, that you love your wife and that you want to have a respectful relationship with them.

Be clear that it hurt your feelings when they were so unkind after your job loss, but that you also did not mean to be rude to them. Ask them to call a truce and to work to mend your fences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I could really use help from you and your readers. I need to know if any of your readers have had a spouse cheat on them. Did they stay together, or did they file for divorce? What was the effect on their children?

My husband had a lengthy affair with a woman who was 10 years his senior. We spent 14 months in counseling to try and work things out. I think I have an understanding of why the affair happened in the first place. But I cannot get past all of the hurt, the lies, the mistrust and the failure to honor our marital vows.

I recently moved out of his house so I could get a better grip on getting over the affair. This really hurts, and I need some advice. -- Heartbroken, Philadelphia

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your feelings of devastation ring through your words. It sounds as if you did the right things, from getting counseling to moving out after you felt you weren't healing.

Some couples are able to weather an affair and reclaim their love on the other side. To do so, both have to want the relationship and be willing to talk out any issues that come up as they finally forgive each other for everything that led up to the break in the marriage vows. Is this an easy process? No.

Because you have children, it's essential that you remain respectful of each other and connected to your children, regardless of what happens between the two of you. Resist the temptation to speak poorly about each other, no matter what happens.

You should continue to get counseling support for your personal healing. Be sure to give your children extra attention, because they are living through this hell, too.

I invite readers to share their insights.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love to read your column in the Examiner. You have such good advice!

Every year, I get presents for my long-lost relatives in Connecticut, and they send me broken, used stuff or nothing at all, and no thank you.

I know God grades on what you give, not what you get. That's what I'm REALLY worried about! Still, this year I'm feeling like I'm boiling over about it. They're very well off, and I just have this cottage industry transcribing legal documents. It feels like they don't even want to be related to me. Do I get them stuff anyway? -- Feeling Dissed, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FEELING DISSED: You are correct that you should not give to receive. At the same time, if you get no joy from giving to these people, stop giving to them. Clearly, they don't value gifts in the same way that you do.

Instead of sending them something that you have bought, consider sending a lovely holiday card with a personalized message. This connects you in a loving and meaningful way, with no need for a reply.