Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 16-year-old daughter would like to have a tattoo for Christmas. As her parent, I'm not too happy with the idea of her having a tattoo at such an early age. I'm planning to buy her something she needs -- clothes -- instead of the tattoo. How should I tell my daughter that I will not be giving her a tattoo for Christmas? -- Inkless, Chicago

DEAR INKLESS: Your job as a parent is to instill values into your children. Clearly, values vary from family to family and even within families. But if you think that 16 is too young for a child to get a tattoo, you need to teach her that.

My daughter is 9, and we talk about it now. For me, it's not even an age issue. I don't begrudge others having tattoos, but I do not favor them and will be thrilled if my daughter never gets one.

When I was your daughter's age, I wanted to get a gold tooth for my birthday. Why? All the kids were getting them at that time in my hometown, so we thought they were cool.

Rather than appearing horrified, as I'm sure my mother was, she sat me down and told me to imagine myself 20 years in the future as a professional woman. She asked if I thought I would want to wear a gold tooth to my job, and if I would even be able to get a job wearing it. When I said I would just have it removed, she told me it would stain my tooth, leaving a gray tooth right in the front of my mouth.

Needless to say, I didn't get the gold tooth. My mother's lesson was about my future rather than the birthday. I suggest that you talk to your daughter about her future -- as you also say "no."

DEAR HARRIETTE: Someone I once had a romantic fling with has been trying to talk to me more lately. He's nice, but I'm just not interested in anything more than friendship. Anything that happened between us lasted a couple of weeks and was over months ago. How can I get him to back off? -- Feeling Icky, New York

DEAR FEELING ICKY: It takes some people longer than others to get over a fling. One reader recently wrote in about this very topic, asking me to remind everyone that when you become intimately involved with someone too soon, it often wreaks havoc on your life. Unfortunately, you are in the throes of that experience right now.

What's done is done on that front. What you can do is tell him directly that you are not interested in being in a relationship with him now. Remind him that your fling ended long ago and that what you can have now is a friendship. If he is not willing to have just that, tell him you cannot be friends anymore.

If you decide to attempt the friendship, limit your conversations so he can cool off. The less access he has to you right now, the better.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month, and we've been having a great time. He's a couple years older and has a job, and I'm still in college.

He recently started discussing how he could move to the city where I'm in school and how we could move in together, get married and adopt kids. We're both way too young to be discussing that! The conversation made me uncomfortable, and I'm worried we will have to break up. How should I handle this situation? -- Not Altar-Bound, Philadelphia

DEAR NOT ALTAR-BOUND: Your boyfriend is excited and in love. There's something very sweet about his commitment to your relationship.

Some couples figure out they want to be together from the outset of their relationship and then make it work. It doesn't sound like this is where you are, though, which is fine.

It's time to have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him it feels to you as if he is moving too fast. Tell him what you like about your relationship, but also tell him that you do not feel ready to think about making the kind of plans he is recommending. Tell the truth. If you haven't really thought about settling down and when you want to do that, say as much. Talk about where your head is. Acknowledge that you appreciate his pledge of love and commitment, and then ask him to slow down.

You may need to say "no" to his ideas if you are not ready to move forward, because you don't want him showing up ready to be your roommate without your OK.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend and I attend different schools, and I recently discovered that someone she used to have feelings for currently has feelings for her. Her friends are encouraging her to break up with me so she can date him. Even this guy's brother, who doesn't know I'm the one dating her, has been encouraging him to go after my girlfriend, regardless of the fact that she's in a relationship.

I think the way they are acting is offensive to anyone in a relationship. What are your thoughts? A friend who knows the guy's brother offered to speak to him on my behalf. Should I take her up on her offer? -- Feeling Betrayed, Cincinnati

DEAR FEELING BETRAYED: I think you should go to your girlfriend and tell her what you know. Express your concern about these people who are trying to break you two up. Ask her directly if she wants to stay in a relationship with you. Ask if she has begun to like this other guy again. Talk enough to figure out where her heart is.

If it seems like there's a chance for the two of you, ask if she would like to speak to the naysayers by herself or with you to ask them to back off. I like the united-front approach to asking others to stand down.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working part time at a job I really like for about four months. Recently, I got another part-time job that I also like and that pays a lot better. My plan is to keep both jobs so I can cobble together enough money to do the things I like.

My problem is that the new job is way more demanding than I thought it would be, and I'm having a hard time juggling everything. Last week, I had to bail on my first job three days in a row. This week, I didn't come in one day, and I got so busy I forgot to call.

My boss is understanding, but I know I have to do something differently. What do you recommend? I don't want to quit either job. -- Stretched, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR STRETCHED: Communication is essential here. But before talking with your bosses, you need to be crystal clear about what you can and cannot do and what you would like to do if given the option.

Look carefully at your schedule. What is not working? Do you think things will settle down soon at your new job? Is the schedule fixed, or will it change? Do you think you can change your hours at your first job, possibly working less so that you have time for yourself in the midst of your busy workday? Figure out what makes sense for you, and evaluate whether it might make sense for your employers.

Next, apologize to your first boss for your absences and lateness. Acknowledge that you know that if you cannot do something, you should call and not just be a no-show. (That is enough to get you fired, by the way.)

Explain to your first boss what your schedule is like. Tell him or her that you would like to stay at the job, and ask if you can change the hours or days when you come in. By discussing this with your employer, you create the opportunity to work it out.

As much as you like the first job, it pays less than the second job and thus is where you should try to make changes. Perhaps a full-time opportunity will be available at the second job if and when you are ready to part ways with the first one.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I keep getting solicitations for bank loans and other financial instruments at work. It's odd. I feel like they started right after I had a problem with the IRS.

How can I get them to stop? They come in email and regular mail. -- Hassled, Washington, D.C.

DEAR HASSLED: You can flag the emails as spam and ask your provider to block them. As far as regular mail, you can tear up the letters or write "return to sender" on them and put them back in the mail.

If you need financial support, go through a trusted institution or professional whom you know or who has been referred by someone you respect.