Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I take the subway every morning to go to work, and there is always someone panhandling for money. I usually give a dollar or two when I can. I recently found out that it is now illegal to give money to panhandlers on the subways. This really upset me, because I'm a law-abiding citizen, and I know there are people who can benefit when they are given money directly, as opposed to going through a charitable organization.

The next time I'm on the subway, should I just ignore the people who ask for money? -- Cheerful Giver, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR CHEERFUL GIVER: It's wonderful to see that you are a giving person. I'm sure the people with whom you share are happy about that.

Feel free to continue to give money to people on the street. However, I would not recommend continuing to give on the subway. It has been illegal for decades to solicit money on buses or subways in New York City because in each of these environments, passengers are a captive audience. Whether you want to give or not, you are forced to be in close proximity to someone who is actively asking you to give, without the option of walking away.

Just wait until you are outside and then give as much as you want.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I messed up. I got arrested for driving while intoxicated. I was fortunate that my license was not taken away from me. I filed for emergency hardship, which means I can drive my car only during a 12-hour-a-day period, five days a week. I have to choose which two days I will not drive.

Here's my problem: I'm active in my church, and my wife just had our second child three weeks ago. My wife is not pleased with me at this time. I've been placed on probation for six months, and I feel that I can handle it with no problems. But it's going to be a long six months in my house, and I need some help to gain my wife's trust. -- Say When, Atlanta

DEAR SAY WHEN: You just had a serious wake-up call with the DUI. It's natural that your wife isn't pleased with you. With tremendous responsibilities before you, you did not behave responsibly.

The way to gain back her trust is to take care of yourself and your family. Get some counseling for your alcohol use. Be honest about your consumption, and figure out if you need help curbing your drinking.

Get spiritual counseling as well. Talk to your pastor and ask for guidance on how to get grounded again. Pay close attention to your life. To keep everything in order, you may want to write a list each day that includes everything you have to do, including family, work, spiritual and personal duties. Check off each one after you have completed it. Good luck.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 16-year-old daughter would like to have a tattoo for Christmas. As her parent, I'm not too happy with the idea of her having a tattoo at such an early age. I'm planning to buy her something she needs -- clothes -- instead of the tattoo. How should I tell my daughter that I will not be giving her a tattoo for Christmas? -- Inkless, Chicago

DEAR INKLESS: Your job as a parent is to instill values into your children. Clearly, values vary from family to family and even within families. But if you think that 16 is too young for a child to get a tattoo, you need to teach her that.

My daughter is 9, and we talk about it now. For me, it's not even an age issue. I don't begrudge others having tattoos, but I do not favor them and will be thrilled if my daughter never gets one.

When I was your daughter's age, I wanted to get a gold tooth for my birthday. Why? All the kids were getting them at that time in my hometown, so we thought they were cool.

Rather than appearing horrified, as I'm sure my mother was, she sat me down and told me to imagine myself 20 years in the future as a professional woman. She asked if I thought I would want to wear a gold tooth to my job, and if I would even be able to get a job wearing it. When I said I would just have it removed, she told me it would stain my tooth, leaving a gray tooth right in the front of my mouth.

Needless to say, I didn't get the gold tooth. My mother's lesson was about my future rather than the birthday. I suggest that you talk to your daughter about her future -- as you also say "no."

DEAR HARRIETTE: Someone I once had a romantic fling with has been trying to talk to me more lately. He's nice, but I'm just not interested in anything more than friendship. Anything that happened between us lasted a couple of weeks and was over months ago. How can I get him to back off? -- Feeling Icky, New York

DEAR FEELING ICKY: It takes some people longer than others to get over a fling. One reader recently wrote in about this very topic, asking me to remind everyone that when you become intimately involved with someone too soon, it often wreaks havoc on your life. Unfortunately, you are in the throes of that experience right now.

What's done is done on that front. What you can do is tell him directly that you are not interested in being in a relationship with him now. Remind him that your fling ended long ago and that what you can have now is a friendship. If he is not willing to have just that, tell him you cannot be friends anymore.

If you decide to attempt the friendship, limit your conversations so he can cool off. The less access he has to you right now, the better.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month, and we've been having a great time. He's a couple years older and has a job, and I'm still in college.

He recently started discussing how he could move to the city where I'm in school and how we could move in together, get married and adopt kids. We're both way too young to be discussing that! The conversation made me uncomfortable, and I'm worried we will have to break up. How should I handle this situation? -- Not Altar-Bound, Philadelphia

DEAR NOT ALTAR-BOUND: Your boyfriend is excited and in love. There's something very sweet about his commitment to your relationship.

Some couples figure out they want to be together from the outset of their relationship and then make it work. It doesn't sound like this is where you are, though, which is fine.

It's time to have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him it feels to you as if he is moving too fast. Tell him what you like about your relationship, but also tell him that you do not feel ready to think about making the kind of plans he is recommending. Tell the truth. If you haven't really thought about settling down and when you want to do that, say as much. Talk about where your head is. Acknowledge that you appreciate his pledge of love and commitment, and then ask him to slow down.

You may need to say "no" to his ideas if you are not ready to move forward, because you don't want him showing up ready to be your roommate without your OK.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend and I attend different schools, and I recently discovered that someone she used to have feelings for currently has feelings for her. Her friends are encouraging her to break up with me so she can date him. Even this guy's brother, who doesn't know I'm the one dating her, has been encouraging him to go after my girlfriend, regardless of the fact that she's in a relationship.

I think the way they are acting is offensive to anyone in a relationship. What are your thoughts? A friend who knows the guy's brother offered to speak to him on my behalf. Should I take her up on her offer? -- Feeling Betrayed, Cincinnati

DEAR FEELING BETRAYED: I think you should go to your girlfriend and tell her what you know. Express your concern about these people who are trying to break you two up. Ask her directly if she wants to stay in a relationship with you. Ask if she has begun to like this other guy again. Talk enough to figure out where her heart is.

If it seems like there's a chance for the two of you, ask if she would like to speak to the naysayers by herself or with you to ask them to back off. I like the united-front approach to asking others to stand down.