Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm currently separated from my wife, and we have an 11-year-old son. My estranged wife lives in the same school district, and our son splits his time between our two houses.

I have worked hard to get my son on the road to the honor roll. As of late, he has been staying with his mother, and there's been a slip in his school grades. I asked my soon-to-be ex why our son's grades had slipped while he was at her house. Her response was, "I don't stress him about his homework." I almost lost it when I heard her say those words.

I don't want to reduce my son's visits to see his mother, but I am concerned that she does not share the same sense of urgency regarding our son's education. How should I address this matter with her without losing my cool? -- Father Knows Best, Newark, N.J.

DEAR FATHER KNOWS BEST: Ask the guidance counselor at school if he or she can meet jointly with you and your wife to discuss your son's education. Talking with a neutral arbiter may help both of you to hear what your son needs and how you can support him.

Tell the counselor in advance what's happening in your family and ask for guidance in keeping your son on track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 24 years old and live at home with my parents. I'm working and would like to save money, but I would also like my own space and some privacy. My hours are really different from my parents', and I get home while they are sleeping. It's hard to wind down when their room is across from mine. I feel like I'm waking them up.

Our house has a basement that was converted into an apartment, and I asked my father if I could move down there. At first he agreed, saying I could move down there after he finished renovating the bathroom. Soon after the bathroom was done, he changed his mind, stating that he would rather have the space for visitors.

How do I convince my father that I should move into that space? I currently don't pay rent, but I do contribute to the household chores and food budget. -- Longing for Privacy, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR LONGING FOR PRIVACY: Your greatest chance for leverage comes if you treat your living arrangement as a formal relationship.

Start by thanking your father for letting you live in the family home as an adult. Remind him of your schedule and that it can sometimes be awkward for you because you don't want to disturb them. Also point out that you crave a bit of privacy. With that, offer to pay rent for your accommodations. Suggest to your father that you have a one-year lease on the basement for an agreed-upon rent. Offer to continue to contribute to the household. Ask him to try it out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family decided several years ago to adopt a family for the holidays. We find a family in need through our church and buy the things -- within our budget -- that they have requested. It works out great.

The only problem is that some of our family members are upset that we don't give them gifts anymore. They sort of understand the idea of giving to the family, but they want us to give to them, too -- never mind that they are adults.

How can we explain to them that we can't afford to do that, nor do we think it's necessary? We do cook the holiday meal and have them over each year. -- Spirit of Giving, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR SPIRIT OF GIVING: You might consider inviting your family members to participate in giving to the family in need. Until you become part of such a wonderful experience, it can seem remote. Some of the family members may take to it and truly be transformed in their thinking.

Shy of that, you can simply stick to your plan, with a twist. In addition to giving to the family from your church, give cards to your family members expressing your love and appreciation for them. Another creative option is to make a cake or other sweet treat and box it for them. It's a gift that you may already have been making for the meal that becomes more special because you wrapped it and gave it individually to them.

Do know, however, that the way you are handling your holiday giving is fine as is. Giving to those in need as you share your love with your family is perfectly great.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had to get creative this year regarding Santa. My 9-year-old made it clear that he is a believer, but he also told me his friends are teasing him about his beliefs.

We love that he remains entranced by the magic of Santa, and we don't want his friends to spoil it. Do you have any recommendations for how to manage this? -- Holding Onto the Magic, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR HOLDING ONTO THE MAGIC: Plenty of families maintain their love of Santa for life. The mythology of Santa is so pervasive in our culture that I think it's wonderful when children and parents keep the tradition going.

What seems to work well is for parents to talk about the spirit of Santa and how his role is to share joy, love and gifts with children. That image is one that brings happiness and light to family members.

Your son can tell his friends that it's OK for them to have their beliefs and for him to have his. He loves Santa and looks forward to his visits each year.

You may also remind your son that the holiday season is a time for family love and sharing, so that he doesn't put all of his faith in the magical appearance of Santa. That should help as he transitions into a more mature and aware child in coming years.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in business for about a year and have a unique product I have been selling with some success. I have been working hard at setting up events where I can sell my product, and so far, so good. That is, until something odd happened. Another product designer asked if he could piggyback on my holiday sale right after he received an invitation for it. He offered to send out the online invitation to his mailing list in exchange.

I didn't do it, and I thought it was weird. I have worked so hard to build all of these relationships. Was I wrong to feel uncomfortable about him trying to ride my coattails? -- Not a Pushover, Silver Spring, Md.

DEAR NOT A PUSHOVER: Partnering for collective sales events often works to each vendor's benefit because such sales have the potential to attract a broader buying audience. So, no, your acquaintance wasn't inappropriate in making the recommendation.

That said, this person may have approached you in an uncomfortable way. Suggesting at the last minute that the two of you team up suggests that he realized this was an opportunity for him to make some sales. I can see how that might rub you the wrong way.

Why not explore with him the possibility of collaborating in the future?

DEAR HARRIETTE: You gave excellent and sound advice to the reader who was considering becoming an entrepreneur. May I add: Talk to any and all small-business owners about what it's like. I've found they're willing to share their experiences.

Though owning a small business can be rewarding, the costs, responsibilities and risks are enormous, and it may not be worth giving up the rewards of a steady job at which you are obviously valued. Also to be considered are the costs to your family. If you have children, essentially you already have a small business. Being an entrepreneur takes time away from them that can't be replaced. -- Taste of Heaven, Chicago

DEAR TASTE OF HEAVEN: Thank you for your wisdom on what it means to become an entrepreneur. It reminds me of the meeting I had when I started my business. Audrey Smaltz, a longtime entrepreneur and dear friend, sat me down and said I should count on the business costing more than I could ever imagine, especially in the beginning. She told me to save my money because I would likely need those extra coins for electricity and staff. She also talked about how much time it takes to get a business going and the inherent requirement that you remain committed in order to be successful.

That was back in 1995. I can't say that I always followed her advice, but I can say that I'm sure it was sound.

Your point about how to balance a family is a real issue for many business owners. What I do is write lists and make schedules that include everything I need to do, including what I do with my family. In that way, I am less apt to blow off an important meeting, recital, dinner or phone call. I highly recommend it!