Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: To my surprise, I found out my church will not have its annual New Year's celebration this year. I was a bit taken aback by the sudden announcement. Now I'm scrambling to figure out how I'm going to bring in the new year. As you know, going out on New Year's Eve in New York City can be one of the most expensive nights of your life. Can you offer some cost-effective ways I can spend New Year's Eve without breaking the bank? -- Happy New Year, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR HAPPY NEW YEAR: It is true that many people go out to fancy parties on New Year's Eve. The reality in New York City is that you can find activities at any price point. You just have to look around.

But I think it would be more to your taste to craft your own activity. If you are accustomed to bringing in the new year in prayer, don't give up on that.

Do you have a group of friends at your church? If so, you may want to gather a few church members for a party at someone's home. Or visit another church that is having a special event. In that way, you can bring in the new year in fellowship and without breaking the bank.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a part-time job with a theater company, and the annual holiday party is this week. My manager has told me I will be the bartender for the evening. I am uncomfortable with the request, because I'm active in my church and I feel like there would be a conflict of interest with my personal beliefs.

I'm not sure what I should do. I'm torn, because it's the holiday season and I need the extra money. -- Reluctant Bartender, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR RELUCTANT BARTENDER: You should never do something that goes against your core beliefs. So it's time to evaluate what they are.

Does your church teach that you cannot serve or drink alcohol? Do you believe it is immoral to do either? Also, did you know when you took the job that you might have to serve alcohol?

If you knew, then the bigger issue is that you took the job without considering what would happen when the day came that you had to serve. If you didn't know, it makes sense that you now have concerns.

Go to your boss and explain your problem. Ask if there is any other role that you could fulfill at the company that might be more comfortable for you.

Ultimately, if the boss needs you to do that job and you don't want to, you may have to quit. Are you ready to make that decision?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm currently separated from my wife, and we have an 11-year-old son. My estranged wife lives in the same school district, and our son splits his time between our two houses.

I have worked hard to get my son on the road to the honor roll. As of late, he has been staying with his mother, and there's been a slip in his school grades. I asked my soon-to-be ex why our son's grades had slipped while he was at her house. Her response was, "I don't stress him about his homework." I almost lost it when I heard her say those words.

I don't want to reduce my son's visits to see his mother, but I am concerned that she does not share the same sense of urgency regarding our son's education. How should I address this matter with her without losing my cool? -- Father Knows Best, Newark, N.J.

DEAR FATHER KNOWS BEST: Ask the guidance counselor at school if he or she can meet jointly with you and your wife to discuss your son's education. Talking with a neutral arbiter may help both of you to hear what your son needs and how you can support him.

Tell the counselor in advance what's happening in your family and ask for guidance in keeping your son on track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 24 years old and live at home with my parents. I'm working and would like to save money, but I would also like my own space and some privacy. My hours are really different from my parents', and I get home while they are sleeping. It's hard to wind down when their room is across from mine. I feel like I'm waking them up.

Our house has a basement that was converted into an apartment, and I asked my father if I could move down there. At first he agreed, saying I could move down there after he finished renovating the bathroom. Soon after the bathroom was done, he changed his mind, stating that he would rather have the space for visitors.

How do I convince my father that I should move into that space? I currently don't pay rent, but I do contribute to the household chores and food budget. -- Longing for Privacy, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR LONGING FOR PRIVACY: Your greatest chance for leverage comes if you treat your living arrangement as a formal relationship.

Start by thanking your father for letting you live in the family home as an adult. Remind him of your schedule and that it can sometimes be awkward for you because you don't want to disturb them. Also point out that you crave a bit of privacy. With that, offer to pay rent for your accommodations. Suggest to your father that you have a one-year lease on the basement for an agreed-upon rent. Offer to continue to contribute to the household. Ask him to try it out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family decided several years ago to adopt a family for the holidays. We find a family in need through our church and buy the things -- within our budget -- that they have requested. It works out great.

The only problem is that some of our family members are upset that we don't give them gifts anymore. They sort of understand the idea of giving to the family, but they want us to give to them, too -- never mind that they are adults.

How can we explain to them that we can't afford to do that, nor do we think it's necessary? We do cook the holiday meal and have them over each year. -- Spirit of Giving, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR SPIRIT OF GIVING: You might consider inviting your family members to participate in giving to the family in need. Until you become part of such a wonderful experience, it can seem remote. Some of the family members may take to it and truly be transformed in their thinking.

Shy of that, you can simply stick to your plan, with a twist. In addition to giving to the family from your church, give cards to your family members expressing your love and appreciation for them. Another creative option is to make a cake or other sweet treat and box it for them. It's a gift that you may already have been making for the meal that becomes more special because you wrapped it and gave it individually to them.

Do know, however, that the way you are handling your holiday giving is fine as is. Giving to those in need as you share your love with your family is perfectly great.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had to get creative this year regarding Santa. My 9-year-old made it clear that he is a believer, but he also told me his friends are teasing him about his beliefs.

We love that he remains entranced by the magic of Santa, and we don't want his friends to spoil it. Do you have any recommendations for how to manage this? -- Holding Onto the Magic, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR HOLDING ONTO THE MAGIC: Plenty of families maintain their love of Santa for life. The mythology of Santa is so pervasive in our culture that I think it's wonderful when children and parents keep the tradition going.

What seems to work well is for parents to talk about the spirit of Santa and how his role is to share joy, love and gifts with children. That image is one that brings happiness and light to family members.

Your son can tell his friends that it's OK for them to have their beliefs and for him to have his. He loves Santa and looks forward to his visits each year.

You may also remind your son that the holiday season is a time for family love and sharing, so that he doesn't put all of his faith in the magical appearance of Santa. That should help as he transitions into a more mature and aware child in coming years.