Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Our family agreed we would spend a maximum of $30 on one another's Christmas gifts this year. I purchased a cool gift that was over the initial budget of $30. We exchanged our gifts, and to my amazement, my gift was the only one of quality that someone could actually use. It felt like my family members did not care about purchasing their gifts. I actually gave my gift back to my brother, telling him I did not like it.

I know "it's the thought that counts," but come on. I'm acting childish because my family did not give better gifts with their $30 budget. -- Miss Grinch, Chicago

DEAR MISS GRINCH: I'm sorry, but you actually sound like a snob. You broke the rules and then had the nerve to rudely reject your brother's effort at following them. Do you see just how "childish," to use your word, you are?

Of course it is possible to get creative and devote time and attention to finding amazing gifts for $30 or less. But you have to be committed to the search. I understand that it was disappointing that your family did not go the distance.

A friend of mine made a pact with her husband some years back when they were in dire financial straits that they would spend a maximum of $9 on gifts for each other. The competition turned out to be in the creativity. Who could outdo the other with $9? They both stayed within the budget, which ultimately made both partners winners because they worked together, albeit independently, to bring joy to each other.

You could try that in the future. Better still, suggest for next year that you not exchange gifts but instead give to those in need.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that a former co-worker is in hospice care. I didn't even realize she was sick. I left that job almost two years ago. She was the nicest person there.

I am so sad for her and want to do something, but hospice usually means death is imminent. What can I do? --Grief-Stricken, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN: If you know your former co-worker's address, send a note offering your love and support to her and her family. If you have a photo of the two of you sharing a sweet moment, send that as well. It's important that you send it right away, because you are right: Hospice usually indicates that only days to weeks remain before the end of life.

After your friend passes, be sure to follow up with her family to see if you can be of support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a regular reader of your column and enjoy it very much. It appears in the Post Express in Washington, D.C., and I check it every day while on the train.

I am usually in sync with your answers, but I was caught up short on your response to the man with the in-law problems. I'm not sure what you intended to say. Do you feel he should appropriately apologize as someone who is "wrong"? In the interests of "keeping the peace" with family, is he opening himself up to a life as the doormat or family "goat" of a psychologically abusive couple?

Some observations: I am glad his wife has his back. I can see getting together and coming up with a decision, together, that may involve behavior such as deciding to apologize, etc. Then, if there comes a thaw and a chance for interaction (at the moment, the father-in-law has "banned" him), they could work out some ground rules together, such as "no yelling." Become more tactical and always gracious (the gift issue could have been handled more smoothly), but through controlled interactions. Never let them know when they've cut you and drawn blood.

This young man needs to build up some serious boundaries to protect his mind and soul from these people, family or not. At the moment, his in-laws are not his allies or friends. During crisis (I've gone through layoffs myself, and they are awful), did they offer support? Guidance? Or did they take the chance to tear him down and kick him when he was at his weakest?

I suspect they didn't care much for him from the start. Maybe because he was married before? His job? His financial status? "Props" to the son-in-law for getting out there after his layoff and finding any job he could!

There is a feeling of malignancy and a sick need to control here. I see all the signs: mocking behavior (eye rolling), extreme reactions (banning the son-in-law), labeling ("you're the one with issues"/"playing the victim"), judgment, the demand by the father-in-law for total capitulation. Again, he is a young man, loves his wife and wants so much for things to work. But offering your jugular to (what I fear to be) narcissistic people like this only emboldens them. What comes next? Will they want to dictate where he works? How he and his wife name and raise their kids? Will the in-laws move in with them later and demand to be waited on hand and foot? BEWARE!

I speak from some experience. I married what I later realized was a true "malignant" narcissist and barely got out of the marriage with my sanity intact. -- Been There, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Several people wrote in about the husband who was beaten down emotionally by his in-laws and my response. Your letter is so thorough and reflective, I decided to run it in full.

My intention was to have the husband and wife act as a united front and approach the parents with a grace they haven't demonstrated. I fully respect the need not to be a doormat. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm new at my job, and I'm trying to get to know my colleagues. I've noticed that the director of my program doesn't greet me. So I asked around and learned from other new staff that he's the same way with them. He does speak to the veteran employees.

Because he doesn't greet us, it's hard for me to go to him with concerns. I've noticed in general that he's a bad communicator. He waits until the last minute to tell us important updates. My goal is to establish a positive relationship with him, but I don't know how to do that. It feels as if he doesn't care about getting to know the new people. In the wake of recent firings, it makes me nervous. -- Want to Bond, Harlem, N.Y.

DEAR WANT TO BOND: Your job is to forge a bond with your director. That means you need to be assertive. Greet him when you see him. If you have questions or concerns, have the courage to speak up and let him know. If possible, speak to him about things that are going well, too, so that he doesn't look upon you as a naysayer.

Assume the positive, and act as if you are a valuable part of the team. Your attitude will help you to impress him with your skills, personality and presence.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to your invitation to readers to share insights, I've been divorced for 20 years. I was blindsided by my husband's affair and the resulting divorce. I wanted none of it, but as you state, it takes the efforts of both spouses to repair a broken marriage.

Here is one of the interesting things I learned: For centuries, it was considered a man's right to have as many women as he wanted. As long as he supported his wife and children to some degree and functioned with his family in public, society simply looked the other way. The "women's liberation" movement of the 1970s empowered women to say, "I'm not living this way. Choose your outside interests or choose me and the children."

All three of my adult children are married. I hope my daughter has learned that she can be a loving wife who is supportive yet strong and will never be a doormat. I hope my two sons have learned to be loving husbands who cherish and protect their wives and children.

If given the same set of circumstances again, I would not hesitate to stand up for me and my children. -- Divorced and Content, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR DIVORCED AND CONTENT: I appreciate your letter. It is so important for women -- and men -- to learn to stand in their own strength and to notice when their lives require course corrections. Sometimes those corrections can occur within a marriage if both partners choose to treat each other differently -- with greater love and respect. Sometimes the course correction requires that relationships change by ending.

Especially when children are involved, it is important to live in such a way that you honor yourself. Your children will emulate your behavior, for better or for worse. I believe the job of parents is to teach their children how to live with honor, integrity and goodness. You can't just say it. You have to live it.