Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR READERS: Happy Thanksgiving! This is my favorite time of year. It is a time when families get together and pause from their daily schedules. We eat together. We share chores. Sure, we may also have squabbles, but for many people, this is a time when we count our blessings in our personal lives.

For my family, Thanksgiving holds an extra special place because my daughter was born during Thanksgiving week. She turns 10 this year. As a tween, she is fully aware of how grateful my husband and I are that she is part of our life. We give her all of the love and guidance that we can, and we celebrate her birth twice because we spend the holiday with my in-laws in Florida and then her birthday with friends when we are back in New York City.

I mention this because I realize that these celebrations, large and small, which bring family and loved ones together, are critical to true happiness. For so many of us, working to put food on the table and to build our careers and lives gets in the way of calling our parents or siblings, aunties or uncles. The busyness of our lives sometimes makes it seem like we are fast-forwarding through our experiences rather than savoring them. Through what is largely a blur, events happen and we often miss the spectacular moments.

I learned years ago that it is the little things that count in life. The little things, the profundities, connect us to our hearts, to our friends, to our families. And it is up to us to pause long enough to see these profundities and honor them.

Historically, Thanksgiving Day has been that time in American culture that we set aside to express our gratitude and fellowship with loved ones. I love that this is what so many of us do. My mother taught my sisters and me to practice the act of counting our blessings. In tough times, she has suggested itemizing the good news in our lives. Doing so softens our hearts and lets love flow in.

I love the idea of counting your blessings on this day and everyday. Think about it. When you find yourself feeling frustrated or lonely or overwhelmed or limited or uncomfortable in any way, write down a list of the good things in your life. They can be simple, like that you woke up to another day. You greeted a stranger on the street and shared a warm smile. You have a roof over your head. Someone in the world loves you, and you love someone. What else can be on your list?

Trust that when you make such a list with focus and intention, even the hardest heart will soften. When you recognize and embrace the good in your own life, you create space for joy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is someone who I used to be really close friends with -- to the point where I considered her more like a sister than a friend. We haven't spoken to each other since her birthday (near Thanksgiving) last year.

She threw herself a birthday party the night before Thanksgiving, which happened to be the night that my entire family drove up for the Thanksgiving dinner that I was hosting. I was planning on attending her party for a couple of hours to show face and support her. I tried to call and let her know that I would be running late due to my work schedule, but rather than listening, she hung up on me without letting me get a word in. Naturally, after being treated so badly, I second-guessed going at all. After an internal struggle, I decided not to go.

I called the next day to wish her a happy birthday, and the response that I got was unexpected. She said some of the most disrespectful, foul and unnecessary things -- things that I wouldn't even say to an enemy. And she ended the conversation with, "I don't want this friendship. I don't need this friendship." That was almost a year ago.

She tried calling me this summer to apologize. At this point I can forgive, but the damage has been done, and I don't know that I will ever look at her the same way. My family thinks that I should try to resolve things and reach out to her since she has extended an olive branch, but I'm not really interested in inviting the dramatics back into my circle. As a sign of forgiveness, I am considering wishing her a happy birthday via text. Should I reach out or leave things as they are? -- On the Fence, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR ON THE FENCE: Before you reach out to her, decide what outcome you would like. It is smart to forgive her, as holding onto a grudge hurts you more than anyone else. You might even want to have a conversation with her to hear her out and let her hear you out. Doing so does not mean you will rekindle your friendship. What it can do is help you both understand where you were and where you are now. If you are ready for such a communication, send her a birthday message. If you do not want to open this door again, do nothing right now.

If you find yourself thinking about this friend, go ahead and reach out to her. Some relationships require closure -- or at least clarity -- in order for people to be free of them. When you do not drum up the courage to face a challenging relationship, it can fester in your soul. Then, even when you do not mean to harbor bad feelings, you might be doing that, something that is unhealthy in every possible way you can imagine.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The holiday season is here, and I am excited that I have lost 30 pounds since August. I have cut out a major amount of sweets and white bread from my diet. I am looking forward to eating all of the delicious food that makes the holiday season special, but I am afraid that I will overeat and lose all momentum in regards to my weight loss. How can I enjoy the delicious food and watch my weight at the same time? -- Mr. Big Stuff, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR MR. BIG STUFF: Congratulations on your weight loss. Clearly, you have been vigilant and disciplined in order to lose so much weight. The easiest way to stay the course is to continue to eat in the exact same way you have for the past few months. Do not deviate from your course of eating just because it is the holidays. Resist the breads, cakes and other sweets that have derailed you in the first place. Just don't eat them.

As it relates to other calorie-rich food, eat them in very small amounts. That way, you can taste some of the holiday special dishes without eating too much. Another idea is to use a salad plate or a cake plate rather than a full dinner-sized plate. This will help you to eat less.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My job requires me to give presentations on a regular basis. I can handle creating the presentations, but I am scared of speaking in front of people. When I stand in front of a large group of people, I see clown faces, and I am scared of clowns. Can you offer some advice on how I can overcome my fear of speaking in front of a group of people? -- Deer in Headlights, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR DEER IN HEADLIGHTS: Practice helps ease most fears. You can practice in front of a mirror to get more comfortable with presenting. Practice in front of family members or friends.

Here are some tips that have helped me a lot for public speaking: Before you begin to speak, plant your feet firmly on the ground, hip-width apart. Look to your near left, and then look along the edges of the room from left to right. Make eye contact with the people you see, and smile at them. Continue taking in the people in the audience going from left to right quickly until you reach the first row of people. Remember to breathe as you are doing this. This should take only a few seconds. When you are finished, welcome the group and begin your presentation.

If your presentation is ready and you feel confident with the content, using centering tips will help you a lot. If you feel you need more help, consider joining Toastmasters. They can help you overcome your fear of speaking and master any room.