Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who yells whenever she talks to me. No matter what the conversation, she is virtually screaming at me. It can be embarrassing, especially when she is talking about sensitive stuff. Like one time, she was telling me about a situation with her husband that was very personal, and everybody in the restaurant where we were eating could hear. When I asked her to lower her voice, she looked at me blankly and kept talking at the same level. Another time, we were at the movies, and she started to tell me a story and other people started shushing her. Honestly, they could hear her all the way across the theater. I think she has a hearing problem, but I don't quite know how to bring it up. -- Sensitive Friend, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SENSITIVE FRIEND: It could be that your friend has compromised hearing. It is also possible that she doesn't realize her tone at all. I recommend that you speak to her directly and sincerely and tell her that you are concerned about her hearing. Describe to her a few incidents when she has spoken much louder than the moment warranted. Suggest to her that she have her hearing evaluated. It is a painless experience that should be covered by insurance. Offer to go with her to the doctor if she seems skittish.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I do not agree with your response to "Next Step" from Memphis, Tenn. I know that in the past, dating with children was almost taboo. But in reality, I believe it can be beneficial to the child to see healthy relationships develop. I am not advocating for family-type dates immediately, but she has been seeing him for more than a year, and his excuses are that he is busy with his child? After a year, I am sure that this is more than casual dating. If not, she might want to consider that the relationship isn't going anywhere. If it were me, I would mention it. If he offers excuses, then I would consider it over. If he agrees, perhaps she can see more of him and how he interacts with his child. -- Dated With Kids, Chicago

DEAR DATED WITH KIDS: Thank you for your letter. You bring up some important points. I agree that if after a year the man is not willing to include this woman in his personal life, it indicates a lack of seriousness or commitment on his side. If Next Step wants a committed relationship, she needs to discuss itdirectly.

My point about waiting to introduce a date to one's children is a bridge back from the old-school thinking. I don't believe you have to wait until you are ready to get married. I do believe that it is unhealthy to bring too many casual dates into a family. This can cause unnecessary feelings of instability and conflict in children. But your point is well taken about the yearlong engagement.

DEAR READERS: Happy Thanksgiving! This is my favorite time of year. It is a time when families get together and pause from their daily schedules. We eat together. We share chores. Sure, we may also have squabbles, but for many people, this is a time when we count our blessings in our personal lives.

For my family, Thanksgiving holds an extra special place because my daughter was born during Thanksgiving week. She turns 10 this year. As a tween, she is fully aware of how grateful my husband and I are that she is part of our life. We give her all of the love and guidance that we can, and we celebrate her birth twice because we spend the holiday with my in-laws in Florida and then her birthday with friends when we are back in New York City.

I mention this because I realize that these celebrations, large and small, which bring family and loved ones together, are critical to true happiness. For so many of us, working to put food on the table and to build our careers and lives gets in the way of calling our parents or siblings, aunties or uncles. The busyness of our lives sometimes makes it seem like we are fast-forwarding through our experiences rather than savoring them. Through what is largely a blur, events happen and we often miss the spectacular moments.

I learned years ago that it is the little things that count in life. The little things, the profundities, connect us to our hearts, to our friends, to our families. And it is up to us to pause long enough to see these profundities and honor them.

Historically, Thanksgiving Day has been that time in American culture that we set aside to express our gratitude and fellowship with loved ones. I love that this is what so many of us do. My mother taught my sisters and me to practice the act of counting our blessings. In tough times, she has suggested itemizing the good news in our lives. Doing so softens our hearts and lets love flow in.

I love the idea of counting your blessings on this day and everyday. Think about it. When you find yourself feeling frustrated or lonely or overwhelmed or limited or uncomfortable in any way, write down a list of the good things in your life. They can be simple, like that you woke up to another day. You greeted a stranger on the street and shared a warm smile. You have a roof over your head. Someone in the world loves you, and you love someone. What else can be on your list?

Trust that when you make such a list with focus and intention, even the hardest heart will soften. When you recognize and embrace the good in your own life, you create space for joy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: There is someone who I used to be really close friends with -- to the point where I considered her more like a sister than a friend. We haven't spoken to each other since her birthday (near Thanksgiving) last year.

She threw herself a birthday party the night before Thanksgiving, which happened to be the night that my entire family drove up for the Thanksgiving dinner that I was hosting. I was planning on attending her party for a couple of hours to show face and support her. I tried to call and let her know that I would be running late due to my work schedule, but rather than listening, she hung up on me without letting me get a word in. Naturally, after being treated so badly, I second-guessed going at all. After an internal struggle, I decided not to go.

I called the next day to wish her a happy birthday, and the response that I got was unexpected. She said some of the most disrespectful, foul and unnecessary things -- things that I wouldn't even say to an enemy. And she ended the conversation with, "I don't want this friendship. I don't need this friendship." That was almost a year ago.

She tried calling me this summer to apologize. At this point I can forgive, but the damage has been done, and I don't know that I will ever look at her the same way. My family thinks that I should try to resolve things and reach out to her since she has extended an olive branch, but I'm not really interested in inviting the dramatics back into my circle. As a sign of forgiveness, I am considering wishing her a happy birthday via text. Should I reach out or leave things as they are? -- On the Fence, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR ON THE FENCE: Before you reach out to her, decide what outcome you would like. It is smart to forgive her, as holding onto a grudge hurts you more than anyone else. You might even want to have a conversation with her to hear her out and let her hear you out. Doing so does not mean you will rekindle your friendship. What it can do is help you both understand where you were and where you are now. If you are ready for such a communication, send her a birthday message. If you do not want to open this door again, do nothing right now.

If you find yourself thinking about this friend, go ahead and reach out to her. Some relationships require closure -- or at least clarity -- in order for people to be free of them. When you do not drum up the courage to face a challenging relationship, it can fester in your soul. Then, even when you do not mean to harbor bad feelings, you might be doing that, something that is unhealthy in every possible way you can imagine.