Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin called to say she was coming to town for the weekend and asked if she could stay with me. I live in the Big Apple, so I understand that it is expensive to stay here. Plus, she's my cousin. So I agreed, even though it was short notice.

What happened was ridiculous. My cousin came to town with three of her friends. She hadn't mentioned bringing people. They went out for most of the day, and then all three of them came and crashed at my place. I live in a studio apartment. I was taken aback by her behavior. I feel like she totally abused the privilege of staying at my place. What should I say to her? -- Outdone, New York City

DEAR OUTDONE: By all means, contact your cousin and tell you want to talk to her. Ask her how she enjoyed her stay when she came to visit. Tell her that you were very surprised that she came to your home with friends in tow and had them all spend the night. Explain that had she asked you if this was OK, you would have been reluctant to agree to four houseguests. Point out that she did not ever tell you that she was coming with others. Be clear that you believe she took advantage of your generosity by bringing her friends without clearing it with you.

I will add that because you live in New York City, this could happen again with other friends or family. What you should do in the future is to be crystal clear about your boundaries and stick to them. When you don't mind a big sleepover, go for it. When it is an imposition, draw the line.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is coming to visit me, and my house is a wreck. I have been working seven days a week for months now, and I have done very little cleaning. I know my mother is going to be disappointed in me. I have about a week to get it together, but that's not enough time. What can I do to save face? -- Dirty, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR DIRTY: Map out the days between now and when your mother will arrive. Clean the common areas first. Start with the bathroom and the kitchen. Be thorough in cleaning these areas. Throw away absolutely everything that you do not need. If you have a storage area in your house, use that as a location to put all of the items that you can stash away to clear space. Feel comfortable locking that door or making it clear to your mother that certain areas are off-limits.

If you can afford it, hire a housekeeper to come and assist you in your cleaning duties. If not, enlist the support of any friends you may have who would be willing to help you to make your home tidy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend of 25 years has poor grammar and speaking skills. Is it ever appropriate to correct her in a way that sounds caring instead of critical? She just got a new job, and I'm afraid that she might lose it if she doesn't get her act together. I have said things to her before, but I don't know if she cares or if she even understands what I'm talking about. -- Wanting to Help, Baltimore

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: I wonder if your friend has had a problem in the past of losing a job because she didn't have a good grasp of grammar and speech. If so, and you are aware of that, you have a potential "in" for bringing it up with her. You could remind her of the challenge she had in the past and recommend that she brush up on her language skills by getting a grammar book or even taking a class. This will work primarily if she has introduced this challenge to you in the past. Otherwise, it really is solely up to her. She may choose to get support in this area, or she may end up finding a job where her powers of writing and speaking are not essential. Yes, I understand your frustration, but just as you have remained friends for 25 years in spite of any challenges you know her to have, so may she have a full and happy life without the polish you believe would so greatly help her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am starting a new position as a supervisor and would like to reinvent my leadership style in order to create consistent and impactful results. In the past I have been way too nice. What would you suggest I do to take on this new style while being authentic and approachable? -- Poised for Success, Jersey City, N.J.

DEAR POISED FOR SUCCESS: Congratulations on your new position. As a supervisor, you will have responsibility for leading others and for being sure that they are accountable for their work. One way to avoid seeming too nice is to map out a strategy for success for yourself and your team. Identify the goals, deadlines and challenges that you and your team face. Create a timeline for your team that builds in enough space to accomplish tasks in an easeful and timely manner. Check in with your team members to see if they feel that they have all of the tools they need to succeed. Get to know each person so that you glean a sense of what motivates him or her. A good leader pays attention to his or her employees with the intention of tapping into each person's strengths. Stay kind, but feel empowered to be clear, strong and prepared to offer course corrections to team members if they make imprudent choices.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who yells whenever she talks to me. No matter what the conversation, she is virtually screaming at me. It can be embarrassing, especially when she is talking about sensitive stuff. Like one time, she was telling me about a situation with her husband that was very personal, and everybody in the restaurant where we were eating could hear. When I asked her to lower her voice, she looked at me blankly and kept talking at the same level. Another time, we were at the movies, and she started to tell me a story and other people started shushing her. Honestly, they could hear her all the way across the theater. I think she has a hearing problem, but I don't quite know how to bring it up. -- Sensitive Friend, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SENSITIVE FRIEND: It could be that your friend has compromised hearing. It is also possible that she doesn't realize her tone at all. I recommend that you speak to her directly and sincerely and tell her that you are concerned about her hearing. Describe to her a few incidents when she has spoken much louder than the moment warranted. Suggest to her that she have her hearing evaluated. It is a painless experience that should be covered by insurance. Offer to go with her to the doctor if she seems skittish.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I do not agree with your response to "Next Step" from Memphis, Tenn. I know that in the past, dating with children was almost taboo. But in reality, I believe it can be beneficial to the child to see healthy relationships develop. I am not advocating for family-type dates immediately, but she has been seeing him for more than a year, and his excuses are that he is busy with his child? After a year, I am sure that this is more than casual dating. If not, she might want to consider that the relationship isn't going anywhere. If it were me, I would mention it. If he offers excuses, then I would consider it over. If he agrees, perhaps she can see more of him and how he interacts with his child. -- Dated With Kids, Chicago

DEAR DATED WITH KIDS: Thank you for your letter. You bring up some important points. I agree that if after a year the man is not willing to include this woman in his personal life, it indicates a lack of seriousness or commitment on his side. If Next Step wants a committed relationship, she needs to discuss itdirectly.

My point about waiting to introduce a date to one's children is a bridge back from the old-school thinking. I don't believe you have to wait until you are ready to get married. I do believe that it is unhealthy to bring too many casual dates into a family. This can cause unnecessary feelings of instability and conflict in children. But your point is well taken about the yearlong engagement.