Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had an uncomfortable conversation with my 9-year-old daughter the other day. We were talking about intimacy, about hugging and touching. We were hugging each other and then clarified that not everyone gets to touch your body. She then said that she is the only one who gets to hug and touch me, because I don't like having my husband touch me. Yikes. She is right -- he and I haven't gotten along intimately for a long time. But I was shocked by her comment and not sure how to react. I want my daughter to know what a healthy marriage looks like. I know that it includes some kind of intimacy, at least hand-holding. But what happens with my husband and me is never that. He immediately goes to groping, which I cannot stand. What do I say? What do I do? -- Not Intimate, Denver

DEAR NOT INTIMATE: Your daughter called you on something that you and your husband must address. Rather than saying anything to her right now, you need to talk to your husband. Share what happened. Talk about your thoughts and feelings about the lack of intimacy between the two of you. If you can, recall times when you were closer. What did you enjoy about each other back then? Talk about how you might find your way back to intimacy now.

Your daughter takes her cues based on your behavior. You and your husband need to fortify your bond. That includes breaking down the barricade to intimacy. Since it sounds like the fires haven't been burning for some time, you may want to seek professional help to talk through your challenges, your interests and your desires for the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has started presenting his Christmas list to us, and he has really gone overboard. Yes, he goes to a fancy private school, but I thought we were instilling solid values in him. We have always given modest gifts for the holidays, but this year his list has every new electronic gadget on it. I know that many of the kids in his school come from wealthy families, so it's no big deal for them to buy anything their kids want. But that's not the point for me. I want my son to understand that just because others get everything, that doesn't make it right, and he isn't "less than" if he gets fewer gifts. -- Drawing the Line, Chicago

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Your job as a parent is to constantly teach your son what your values are. Of course, since you placed him in a school where wealth prevails, the lessons must include how to be in that environment and not be envious. One thing that you may consider is giving your son one of his luxurious desires rather than the lot of them. If you can afford one item, you should be able to satisfy his desire without going overboard. If not, get your son what you can afford and teach him that every family does what it can to celebrate.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin called to say she was coming to town for the weekend and asked if she could stay with me. I live in the Big Apple, so I understand that it is expensive to stay here. Plus, she's my cousin. So I agreed, even though it was short notice.

What happened was ridiculous. My cousin came to town with three of her friends. She hadn't mentioned bringing people. They went out for most of the day, and then all three of them came and crashed at my place. I live in a studio apartment. I was taken aback by her behavior. I feel like she totally abused the privilege of staying at my place. What should I say to her? -- Outdone, New York City

DEAR OUTDONE: By all means, contact your cousin and tell you want to talk to her. Ask her how she enjoyed her stay when she came to visit. Tell her that you were very surprised that she came to your home with friends in tow and had them all spend the night. Explain that had she asked you if this was OK, you would have been reluctant to agree to four houseguests. Point out that she did not ever tell you that she was coming with others. Be clear that you believe she took advantage of your generosity by bringing her friends without clearing it with you.

I will add that because you live in New York City, this could happen again with other friends or family. What you should do in the future is to be crystal clear about your boundaries and stick to them. When you don't mind a big sleepover, go for it. When it is an imposition, draw the line.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is coming to visit me, and my house is a wreck. I have been working seven days a week for months now, and I have done very little cleaning. I know my mother is going to be disappointed in me. I have about a week to get it together, but that's not enough time. What can I do to save face? -- Dirty, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR DIRTY: Map out the days between now and when your mother will arrive. Clean the common areas first. Start with the bathroom and the kitchen. Be thorough in cleaning these areas. Throw away absolutely everything that you do not need. If you have a storage area in your house, use that as a location to put all of the items that you can stash away to clear space. Feel comfortable locking that door or making it clear to your mother that certain areas are off-limits.

If you can afford it, hire a housekeeper to come and assist you in your cleaning duties. If not, enlist the support of any friends you may have who would be willing to help you to make your home tidy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend of 25 years has poor grammar and speaking skills. Is it ever appropriate to correct her in a way that sounds caring instead of critical? She just got a new job, and I'm afraid that she might lose it if she doesn't get her act together. I have said things to her before, but I don't know if she cares or if she even understands what I'm talking about. -- Wanting to Help, Baltimore

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: I wonder if your friend has had a problem in the past of losing a job because she didn't have a good grasp of grammar and speech. If so, and you are aware of that, you have a potential "in" for bringing it up with her. You could remind her of the challenge she had in the past and recommend that she brush up on her language skills by getting a grammar book or even taking a class. This will work primarily if she has introduced this challenge to you in the past. Otherwise, it really is solely up to her. She may choose to get support in this area, or she may end up finding a job where her powers of writing and speaking are not essential. Yes, I understand your frustration, but just as you have remained friends for 25 years in spite of any challenges you know her to have, so may she have a full and happy life without the polish you believe would so greatly help her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am starting a new position as a supervisor and would like to reinvent my leadership style in order to create consistent and impactful results. In the past I have been way too nice. What would you suggest I do to take on this new style while being authentic and approachable? -- Poised for Success, Jersey City, N.J.

DEAR POISED FOR SUCCESS: Congratulations on your new position. As a supervisor, you will have responsibility for leading others and for being sure that they are accountable for their work. One way to avoid seeming too nice is to map out a strategy for success for yourself and your team. Identify the goals, deadlines and challenges that you and your team face. Create a timeline for your team that builds in enough space to accomplish tasks in an easeful and timely manner. Check in with your team members to see if they feel that they have all of the tools they need to succeed. Get to know each person so that you glean a sense of what motivates him or her. A good leader pays attention to his or her employees with the intention of tapping into each person's strengths. Stay kind, but feel empowered to be clear, strong and prepared to offer course corrections to team members if they make imprudent choices.