Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so tired of being broke that sometimes I pretend that I am not. I have been on-again, off-again with work for more than a year now. So when I do come into a few dollars, I really want to do something special for myself. I find myself spending money on items that I cannot afford. There are nights I know I should spend my money on groceries and instead, I use my potential grocery money for a week for one night's dinner. I really need to learn how to create a budget. What are the best ways to start budgeting? -- Need a New Plan, Chicago

DEAR NEED A NEW PLAN: Look at the big picture. Map out the next three to six months based on all of your expenses. Include rent, electricity, telephone, food and any other basic expenses you may have. Now list all of your income streams and match the two lists to each other. This will give you a sober picture of how well you can take care of yourself right now.

I agree that it is nice to treat yourself to something special every now and again, but dinner at a restaurant is too expensive when it equals a week's worth of food. Look in the newspaper and online for fun free ideas in your city. If you get creative as you treat yourself, you can find fulfilling outlets without depleting your resources.

Budgeting works best when you write everything down and keep track of what's coming in and what's going out on a daily basis.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is miserable at her temp job, but she is afraid to quit and pursue her dream of becoming a singer and business owner because of the cost of living in New York City. How can I help encourage her to follow her dreams and still be realistic? -- Clipped Wings, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR CLIPPED WINGS: Many people who move to New York City to pursue their artistic interests must have some kind of employment to tide them over while they work to hit it big. This does not mean that anyone has to stay in a miserable job. Your friend should evaluate the pros and cons of her job versus her flexibility to develop her creative interests. She should also look around to determine what alternative employment opportunities exist that may be more pleasant for her.

I do not recommend simply quitting to try to make it big. What she should do is save her money as she makes a plan for her future. Is she recording now? Is she performing in places where she can earn any money? Has she secured an agent to help get her a record deal? Does she go to music industry events so that she can network with others in her field of interest? By focusing her energies on building her persona in her field of choice, she will be inching closer to making her dreams come true.

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the best way to handle it if asked to remove your shoes when entering someone's residence and you are uncomfortable (or unprepared) to bare your feet? This happened to me the other day when I went to a party. Never mind the fact that I had worn some fabulous shoes and they were part of my outfit. I am short, so I always wear heels, and this made me feel even shorter once I took my shoes off. Plus, my feet weren't properly pedicured. I felt so uncomfortable, but I decided to stay anyway. I really didn't want to take my shoes off, though. -- Shoe Freak, Racine, Mich.

DEAR SHOE FREAK: It is understandable that when invited to a party you wouldn't be expected to remove your shoes in order to attend. It is also true that many people have a no-shoes policy in their homes. In those cases, it is kind of the host either to let guests know in advance that they will have to remove their shoes or provide slippers for them to wear. In this way, guests don't have to feel caught off-guard.

When no provisions are arranged and you find yourself in a situation as you did, be a good sport, tuck your shoes away and go for it. Chances are you are not the only one feeling a little awkward, at least at first.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three children who are in their 20s. I feel guilty because I never made them become self-sufficient. I spoiled them because I gave them anything and everything their hearts desired as children. Now that they are adults, my children are malfunctioning in society. How do I reset the boundaries with my children after years of spoiling them? -- Bad Mom, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR BAD MOM: Call a family meeting and admit your mistake. Apologize to your children for not teaching them budgeting, boundaries, limitations, etc. Talk candidly with them about how you showered them with everything they wanted without teaching them that hard work is what allowed you to be able to do that.

From the position of tough love, point out to them where you think you led them astray. Be specific about behaviors that you have observed in them that are not serving them. Offer to enroll them in a money management class. You can also purchase books for them that they can read, such as "The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke," by Suze Orman, or "Why Didn't They Teach Me This in School: 99 Personal Money Management Principles to Live by," by Carey Siegel.

Finally, don't beat up yourself too much. Many young people flounder in their 20s. This is the time when they begin to "find themselves." You can provide guidance, but know that they have to make their own mistakes and figure out how to fend for themselves. Yes, you can help, but this is their time to accept responsibility for their lives.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating someone for a month, and we have a great connection and communication. He seems to be very comfortable sharing and being vulnerable with me; however, he seems to have sudden mood swings, gets snappy and distant, and withdraws suddenly. I know he's having (un)employment issues and often talks about his difficult upbringing, which he is trying to forget, but I don't know how much of this behavior to deal with before I am putting myself in too much emotional danger. We have talked about it before, but it has happened again. How do you know when to continue being patient and when enough is enough? -- Where to Turn, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR WHERE TO TURN: One month is not long enough to truly know a person. You are still in the early stages of learning about each other. What you have described sounds like depression. There are different types of depression, sometimes caused by circumstances, sometimes based on neurological challenges. If possible, recommend to your boyfriend that he go to the doctor and get a physical. Point out that you have noticed that he has been going through major mood swings and you are concerned about it. Remind him of how much you care about him and that you want him to be healthy. A mental health evaluation could be very helpful.

Encourage him to get that help. If he refuses and continues to be emotionally volatile, you may have to distance yourself from him for a period of time. You need not threaten him. Instead, let him know that you care about him and that you care about yourself. Make it clear that it upsets you when he is so emotionally unpredictable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My male friend is gay, but I think he is interested in having a relationship with me. I am female. He seems jealous when I mention other guys. What's the best way to initiate a conversation about this without embarrassing him or myself? (Maybe my gaydar is off.) -- Off-Kilter, Jersey City, N.J.

DEAR OFF-KILTER: This would not be the first time that two friends -- heterosexual and homosexual -- could fall for each other. While I am not an expert on this, I have witnessed a number of friends who have found themselves in a space of intimacy that grew out of their genuine love for each other. Unfortunately, the instances that I have witnessed did not turn out well, mainly because it was almost a suspension of reality for them to be intimately engaged for the long haul.

That said, you can't know unless you talk about it. Be brave and ask your friend what's up. Point out that you are getting the sense that he is interested in you romantically. Tell him you thought he was gay. Ask him to define what is happening. Talk about where you both are and what you want for your friendship. Do know, however, that it is unlikely that love, no matter how real, can trump nature.