Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am really upset with my job. I have seniority, and I am single. I just learned that a woman who is my junior was given a lengthy Christmas vacation when I was not granted my vacation request. I believe she was given preference because she has a family with small children. As far as I am concerned, that's not fair. I have earned my time off, and I thought that if you were more senior, you should be given preferential treatment. I asked for my time off months ago, so it's not like it was a last-minute request. How can I appeal this without sounding petty? -- Feeling Dissed, Chicago

DEAR FEELING DISSED: Go to your manager privately and ask about your vacation. Start talking about you personally. Inquire as to why you were not given the time off that you had earned and requested. Point out when you initially made your request. If you do not feel satisfied with the answer you are given, bring up your colleague. Note that she is junior to you and that you feel slighted that she would be given the time when you doubt that she asked for it first and you have seniority. You can also ask if she was given the time because she has a family. Know that if this is the case, it would be considered discrimination.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The letter from "Family Ties" struck a chord with me. The daughter wanted her mother to start hosting Thanksgiving again after a 15-year hiatus. You agreed with the daughter that siblings and cousins could offer to clean and be responsible for cooking to talk her mom into holding it at her home again.

Give me a break! It's high time for one of the younger people to jump in and host this event. Their homes may not be as large -- so what? Family doesn't mind being crowded together. It may mean setting up card tables instead of having everyone eat at the same table. Most large grocery stores offer a baked turkey. You'd only need to provide side dishes and dessert.

As a young wife and mother 45 years ago, I had to beg my husband's family to allow us to host Thanksgiving. Eventually, we hosted all the family holidays as the elder members were lost to nursing homes or death. Give Mom her due and pick up the tradition yourself. -- Pushing 70, Salt Lake City, Iowa

DEAR PUSHING 70: I fully understand your position, and it makes sense that family tradition is passed from one generation to the next. My understanding of "Family Ties" was that the mother was the glue in the family and not everyone was getting together because the mom no longer hosted the meal. My idea was a compromise -- the young ones could prepare the meal at the mom's house.

Sometimes a hybrid idea can work. But that does not negate your point, that the young families should take the baton and continue the traditions leaving a seat of honor for the older folks while accepting full responsibility for the celebration.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just reconnected with a childhood friend whose family took in my sister and me when we were little. We hadn't seen each other for more than 40 years. It was a wonderful reunion, except that my childhood friend felt guilty for not having gotten in touch sooner. I tried to let her know that there are no hard feelings, but it was not easy for her to accept. After a while, the conversation got awkward. I really want to stay in touch with her, but I hope she doesn't belabor the past. Her family was kind to us when we were young, and it would be really cool to get to know each other as adults. The only thing is, I don't want to have to listen to the guilt trip every time. How can I get her to chill so we can just talk? We don't live in the same town, so it will take effort on both of our parts. -- Reconnecting, Orlando, Fla.

DEAR RECONNECTING: Who knows what your friend remembers about your past? What you can do is assure her that what you are grateful for is the present and the opportunity to get to know each other now. Make recommendations for how you can stay in touch. You can talk on the phone, Skype and visit on occasion if you think you would like that. By demonstrating that you want to make the effort to be in her life, you may be able to allay her fears and any demons she is harboring from the past.

At some point, you may have to listen to some of her memories, but focus on the here and now at first so that you all can grow to like each other as adults. Then see how things unfold.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is out of control. Every time we visit with people, he makes lewd comments about me and constantly uses sexual innuendo. I find this demeaning and terribly embarrassing. I have told him many times how much I dislike this behavior, and he just laughs at me and continues. The last time we were together with a group, he really went off and tried groping me in front of people and just generally acting like an ignorant teenager. I can't stand it and am not sure how to get him to stop. Please help! -- Disgusted, New York City

DEAR DISGUSTED: Since your husband blows off your comments about his behavior, you need to give him a different kind of wake-up call. Next time you go out, use your camera phone or camera to record him in action. He may need to see how foul his actions are in order to believe you. Your commentary won't be nearly as important if you can hit "play" and show him what he has been doing. Hopefully, that can start a healthy conversation. If not, you may need to seek therapy to get support in turning a respectful corner.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever my children are at home during the weekends, they don't think they need to bathe. My kids are teenagers, and my son is an athlete. Translation: They all need to bathe, or else my house smells sweaty.

Not only do they not bathe, they also do not put away their dirty clothes. They have become slobs. I did not teach them that they could have weekends off, but somehow they got it into their heads that this is OK. How can I get them to go back to practicing good hygiene? I can't take the smell or the lack of regard for me and my home. What can I say without starting a big argument? -- Clean Up, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR CLEAN UP: It is time to reset house rules. Sit down with your children and be direct with them. Tell them that you realize that they want to relax on the weekend, but that they have taken it too far. Point to the dirty clothes. Move on to the lack of cleanliness on their part. Be honest -- they are not bathing, and it is affecting everyone. Break it down so that they understand that their poor hygiene is making the house smell, and you are putting your foot down on this one.

Even though they are teenagers, you may have to take away privileges if they brush you off. Good hygiene is important at every stage in life, including the wildly independent teenage years. Give your children weekly chores and responsibilities, and limit their ability to do as they choose until they have completed their tasks, including bathing.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was just reading your column about the store customer who was being disrespected. It reminded me of a store here in Rochester where a salesperson would "bird-dog" you while you were shopping. I don't know if he was worried about his commission or whether you might be shoplifting, but he would stand right behind you while you were looking at merchandise, even looking over your shoulder. One day my brother got sick of it, turned face-to-face with the guy and asked him: "Am I in heat or something?" The guy walked away. -- Sick of It, Rochester, N.Y.

DEAR SICK OF IT: Sometimes face-to-face confrontation can work to get a salesperson to back off. Other times, it can cause more friction. I am all for letting the employee or the manager know that you feel you are being followed. When you don't say anything, you run the risk that the employee believes this behavior is acceptable.

There shouldn't be such a fine line between attentiveness and imposition. Salespeople are supposed to be trained to care for their customers, not intimidate them.