Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that a woman I used to work with is running one of my favorite cosmetics companies. That is really big news, and part of me wants to congratulate her. But a bigger part of me hates her. She was horrible to me and plenty of other employees when we worked with her. She targeted a whole group of us for downsizing, and, rather than calling it what it was, she started questioning our job performance. Can I prove any of this? Not exactly, but I know it happened. We did not sue or anything. But I mention this backstory because it makes my blood boil every time I think of it. So imagine how conflicted I was when I learned that she got this big fat job at MY favorite company. Part of me wants to write to the owner to say, "Watch out. She's a snake." The other part says just leave it alone and say nothing. What do you think? -- Mad All Over Again, Chicago

DEAR MAD ALL OVER AGAIN: Leave well enough alone, as my mother used to say. Since you chose not to call her on what you thought was unethical or illegal behavior when you had the chance, it doesn't make sense for you to pose hypotheticals now. Leave her alone. If you learn of any wrongdoing from her company in the future, that's when you can add your voice. Otherwise, stay out of it.

You should also know that she may have been following company policy when she orchestrated the downsizing at your old job. She may have come up with the plan, or she may simply have been the voice for the company's needs. Point is, what she did was probably bigger than her. Holding a grudge against her does you no good.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son used to be on the football team at his school, but he got kicked off because of poor grades. My husband and I have been telling him for months that if he doesn't get it together, he will suffer consequences. Now he is moping around the house feeling sorry for himself. That isn't helping him either. He needs to buckle down and do his schoolwork. How can we convince him that this is a good idea? -- Worried, Milwaukee

DEAR WORRIED: Sometimes it takes defeat for someone to wake up to a shortcoming. Sometimes it takes more than that. Get your son evaluated for any learning disabilities, and find out what kind of support he needs to get up to speed on his classes. Invest in a tutor for the subjects where he is weak, if you can. Instead of scolding him, talk to him about his future and about the need to excel, even in areas that do not interest him. Tell him true stories from your life or of others he may know when working hard and struggling through difficulty paid off. He needs to be inspired to see that staying focused and deciding he can achieve is worth it. If the love of the game is still in him, wave that flag, too. He may be able to enjoy playing football again if he gets his grades up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It has been two years since my mother passed away, and my family is still having a lot of difficulty dealing with her loss. At holiday time it gets worse because we remember all the things she used to do to care for us. Even though we were adults when she died, it doesn't take the sting away. This year, I decided I just couldn't deal with being around my siblings and their families for Christmas without her, so I have planned a getaway trip for Christmas. When I told my family, they got really mad at me and said I am being selfish. I'm not giving up on my family. I just need a change of pace. How can I get them to understand that I love them, but I need this? -- Time Out, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR TIME OUT: The truth is that you are being selfish, and sometimes that is exactly what the moment requires. Rather than making an excuse, tell your siblings the truth -- you feel that you need to get away this year and be by yourself. Apologize to them for being selfish, but admit that this is what you need for you. Be sure to leave cards or presents for them -- whatever is your family tradition -- so that it doesn't seem like you have abandoned them. You may also want to bring back mementos for them from your trip.

It may be wise for you and your family to get grief counseling. Even though your mother has been gone for a while, you may still need support in processing your loss.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I changed my hairstyle, and everybody at work has an opinion about it. It's not like I got a Mohawk or something. I simply cut my hair into a shorter, more contemporary style. I work in a relatively relaxed office where people wear jeans, and it's pretty no-fuss, which is why I was shocked at the reaction I got. It has been a couple of weeks now, and I still get comments. I'm not Michelle Obama. What's all the fuss? -- New 'Do, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR NEW 'DO: I bet you had a consistent look for a very long time, which is why your co-workers continue to remark on your new look. One way to deflect their ongoing comments is to find something nice to say about them. Compliment someone on her new dress. Notice when someone buys a new car. Pay attention to your co-workers to learn what little or big things matter to them in their daily lives. Remark on those things when you notice them. In this way, you remain engaged with your co-workers without being the center of attention.

Chances are they will appreciate your noticing the subtleties and nuances of their lives. This may distract them from your hairdo as you bring the attention back to them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am really upset with my job. I have seniority, and I am single. I just learned that a woman who is my junior was given a lengthy Christmas vacation when I was not granted my vacation request. I believe she was given preference because she has a family with small children. As far as I am concerned, that's not fair. I have earned my time off, and I thought that if you were more senior, you should be given preferential treatment. I asked for my time off months ago, so it's not like it was a last-minute request. How can I appeal this without sounding petty? -- Feeling Dissed, Chicago

DEAR FEELING DISSED: Go to your manager privately and ask about your vacation. Start talking about you personally. Inquire as to why you were not given the time off that you had earned and requested. Point out when you initially made your request. If you do not feel satisfied with the answer you are given, bring up your colleague. Note that she is junior to you and that you feel slighted that she would be given the time when you doubt that she asked for it first and you have seniority. You can also ask if she was given the time because she has a family. Know that if this is the case, it would be considered discrimination.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The letter from "Family Ties" struck a chord with me. The daughter wanted her mother to start hosting Thanksgiving again after a 15-year hiatus. You agreed with the daughter that siblings and cousins could offer to clean and be responsible for cooking to talk her mom into holding it at her home again.

Give me a break! It's high time for one of the younger people to jump in and host this event. Their homes may not be as large -- so what? Family doesn't mind being crowded together. It may mean setting up card tables instead of having everyone eat at the same table. Most large grocery stores offer a baked turkey. You'd only need to provide side dishes and dessert.

As a young wife and mother 45 years ago, I had to beg my husband's family to allow us to host Thanksgiving. Eventually, we hosted all the family holidays as the elder members were lost to nursing homes or death. Give Mom her due and pick up the tradition yourself. -- Pushing 70, Salt Lake City, Iowa

DEAR PUSHING 70: I fully understand your position, and it makes sense that family tradition is passed from one generation to the next. My understanding of "Family Ties" was that the mother was the glue in the family and not everyone was getting together because the mom no longer hosted the meal. My idea was a compromise -- the young ones could prepare the meal at the mom's house.

Sometimes a hybrid idea can work. But that does not negate your point, that the young families should take the baton and continue the traditions leaving a seat of honor for the older folks while accepting full responsibility for the celebration.