Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: What do you do when you get a gift that you know was a re-gift -- and it does not work? My boss gave me a coffee pot, and when I plugged it in, it wouldn't work. The box said that the coffee pot came with a variety of coffee, and none of it was in there. I think she got it as a gift and meant to take it back to the store but forgot. My boss knows that I love coffee, and I think that's why she thought to give it to me. Anyhow, it backfired, because it was busted. I don't want to embarrass her, but what do I do? Do I say something or not? -- Not Gifted, Miami

DEAR NOT GIFTED: It sounds like your boss had good intentions even though they didn't work out. I would not mention to her that the coffee pot didn't work. You can try to get it repaired, give it to charity or throw it out if you think it cannot be repaired.

As far as re-gifting in general, I like it up to a point. If you were given something that you know another would appreciate AND it is in good working condition, by all means share it. What you shouldn't do is pretend that you bought it when you didn't. You may even say that the item was given to you and you thought that the person in question would appreciate it. Being honest in the gift-giving process is what makes it work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 7-year-old son was invited to a sleepover, and he wants to go. He is worried, though, because sometimes he still wets the bed. I do not want to embarrass him by saying something to the host mom, but how do I handle it to make sure he doesn't spoil their furniture if he has an accident? -- Concerned, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR CONCERNED: Rest assured that your son is not the only one who is late to the party on this point. Unfortunately, it can take some children longer to be able to control their bladder than others. A practice you can start at home is to limit liquid intake to a couple of hours before bedtime. Make sure he knows to go to the bathroom and empty his bladder before getting in the bed.

Invest in pull-up diapers if he is small enough, or even the adult-size diapers that are used for adults with incontinence. He can wear loose-fitting pajama bottoms so no one is the wiser. This will help him to feel more confident going to sleep at the party. Do not keep up the use of the diapers at home, though, because the goal is to get him to know when to get up and relieve himself. It may take a little extra time, but eventually he will be able to do it.

He will likely greatly appreciate you getting him the diapers for the party, so that he can feel confident among his peers.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that a woman I used to work with is running one of my favorite cosmetics companies. That is really big news, and part of me wants to congratulate her. But a bigger part of me hates her. She was horrible to me and plenty of other employees when we worked with her. She targeted a whole group of us for downsizing, and, rather than calling it what it was, she started questioning our job performance. Can I prove any of this? Not exactly, but I know it happened. We did not sue or anything. But I mention this backstory because it makes my blood boil every time I think of it. So imagine how conflicted I was when I learned that she got this big fat job at MY favorite company. Part of me wants to write to the owner to say, "Watch out. She's a snake." The other part says just leave it alone and say nothing. What do you think? -- Mad All Over Again, Chicago

DEAR MAD ALL OVER AGAIN: Leave well enough alone, as my mother used to say. Since you chose not to call her on what you thought was unethical or illegal behavior when you had the chance, it doesn't make sense for you to pose hypotheticals now. Leave her alone. If you learn of any wrongdoing from her company in the future, that's when you can add your voice. Otherwise, stay out of it.

You should also know that she may have been following company policy when she orchestrated the downsizing at your old job. She may have come up with the plan, or she may simply have been the voice for the company's needs. Point is, what she did was probably bigger than her. Holding a grudge against her does you no good.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son used to be on the football team at his school, but he got kicked off because of poor grades. My husband and I have been telling him for months that if he doesn't get it together, he will suffer consequences. Now he is moping around the house feeling sorry for himself. That isn't helping him either. He needs to buckle down and do his schoolwork. How can we convince him that this is a good idea? -- Worried, Milwaukee

DEAR WORRIED: Sometimes it takes defeat for someone to wake up to a shortcoming. Sometimes it takes more than that. Get your son evaluated for any learning disabilities, and find out what kind of support he needs to get up to speed on his classes. Invest in a tutor for the subjects where he is weak, if you can. Instead of scolding him, talk to him about his future and about the need to excel, even in areas that do not interest him. Tell him true stories from your life or of others he may know when working hard and struggling through difficulty paid off. He needs to be inspired to see that staying focused and deciding he can achieve is worth it. If the love of the game is still in him, wave that flag, too. He may be able to enjoy playing football again if he gets his grades up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It has been two years since my mother passed away, and my family is still having a lot of difficulty dealing with her loss. At holiday time it gets worse because we remember all the things she used to do to care for us. Even though we were adults when she died, it doesn't take the sting away. This year, I decided I just couldn't deal with being around my siblings and their families for Christmas without her, so I have planned a getaway trip for Christmas. When I told my family, they got really mad at me and said I am being selfish. I'm not giving up on my family. I just need a change of pace. How can I get them to understand that I love them, but I need this? -- Time Out, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR TIME OUT: The truth is that you are being selfish, and sometimes that is exactly what the moment requires. Rather than making an excuse, tell your siblings the truth -- you feel that you need to get away this year and be by yourself. Apologize to them for being selfish, but admit that this is what you need for you. Be sure to leave cards or presents for them -- whatever is your family tradition -- so that it doesn't seem like you have abandoned them. You may also want to bring back mementos for them from your trip.

It may be wise for you and your family to get grief counseling. Even though your mother has been gone for a while, you may still need support in processing your loss.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I changed my hairstyle, and everybody at work has an opinion about it. It's not like I got a Mohawk or something. I simply cut my hair into a shorter, more contemporary style. I work in a relatively relaxed office where people wear jeans, and it's pretty no-fuss, which is why I was shocked at the reaction I got. It has been a couple of weeks now, and I still get comments. I'm not Michelle Obama. What's all the fuss? -- New 'Do, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR NEW 'DO: I bet you had a consistent look for a very long time, which is why your co-workers continue to remark on your new look. One way to deflect their ongoing comments is to find something nice to say about them. Compliment someone on her new dress. Notice when someone buys a new car. Pay attention to your co-workers to learn what little or big things matter to them in their daily lives. Remark on those things when you notice them. In this way, you remain engaged with your co-workers without being the center of attention.

Chances are they will appreciate your noticing the subtleties and nuances of their lives. This may distract them from your hairdo as you bring the attention back to them.