Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the proper length of time for a best friend to begin seeing her best friend's ex? Although I broke off the relationship primarily because of his verbal and emotional abuse, am I wrong to be upset if they start seeing each other two days later and then call me to tell me what a great time they had together? She says they are only friends, but it seems everywhere I go (places she and I used to go together), they are always there, and I am the one left alone. Not only have I lost someone I used to care for, but I have also lost my best friend. -- Alone, Racine, Mich.

DEAR ALONE: I can only imagine the pain that you are feeling right now, on so many levels. The abuse that you suffered with your ex-boyfriend is enough to send you reeling. For that to be exacerbated by what seems like a blatant betrayal on your best friend's part is understandably devastating.

You should be upset. Your "best friend" is behaving in her own selfish interest right now with no regard for you. It could be that your ex is quite the charmer. Often, people who inflict abuse upon others are masterful at luring in new prey. Still, that does not excuse your friend.

You have every right to tell her that you feel she has betrayed your friendship. Ask her, at the very least, to stop going to the places where you used to go together. Ask her to have that modicum of respect for you. Sadly, you have to move on, past both of these two souls. I recommend that you go to therapy and work through your own demons so that you can find your way to healthier relationships all around. You deserve to be loved and respected.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is having a birthday soon (turning 11), and he is inviting a few friends to a sleepover. One friend has a twin brother. He has made it clear that he does not want to invite that boy. He says that whenever this boy is around, bad things happen. I feel uncomfortable about inviting only half of a pair of twins. I feel like I should then tell the mother why we aren't inviting her other child. I do think she knows that this boy gets rambunctious. But I am uncomfortable. On the other hand, I do want to teach my child how to be discriminating about his friends. What should I do? Maybe don't invite the other boy either, even though they are close? -- Treading Lightly, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TREADING LIGHTLY: That your son is thinking through what may happen with his friends at his party is smart. It means you are teaching him well. You can continue the conversation first with your son, asking him if he thinks it is thoughtful to invite one twin and not the other.

If you reach the conclusion that he truly wants to invite only one, your job as the mom is to reach out to the twins' mom and tell her that your son is inviting just the one boy to this small party. You do not need to explain why unless she asks.

DEAR READERS: By now, we all know that legendary hero Nelson Mandela has passed, at age 95. Mandela served his time on the planet fiercely, bearing a dignity that deserves celebration and personal reflection for all of us. There are many lessons for us as Nelson Mandela's life story is unpacked. Without question, he became a symbol of courage, perseverance, clarity of focus and sacrifice. Mandela was a man who stood up against apartheid in his South African homeland and was imprisoned as a result of it.

I was in college when the groundswell to "Free Nelson Mandela" was building. There were songs. There was organized protest. Aware, courageous Americans pushed to get multinational companies to divest from this African nation that was oppressing its darker-skinned people. The fight was difficult.

Learning about apartheid in South Africa opened my eyes to a modern reality that I naively thought had died with the vestiges of slavery so many years ago on these shores. In South Africa, the continued oppression that blacks experienced at the hands of their white brethren was reprehensible. And thanks to the dynamic work of many supporters around the world, as well as his own work behind bars, the imprisoned Nelson Mandela would ultimately be freed after 27 years of incarceration.

What he did after stepping out of prison is what will fill history books forevermore. Instead of leading a revolt against his oppressors, this warrior chose a strategic path to reconciliation. Mandela's evolved vision for his homeland was one where blacks and whites would work together to build a country where fairness could be enforced and black South Africans could assume their rightful place in their own country. Choosing peaceful strategy was refreshing for all to see. And in 1994, when Nelson Mandela became the first democratically elected president of South Africa, the world watched peace in action.

Indeed, Mandela received the Nobel Peace Prize for his visionary work, and during all of his years after captivity, he worked to ensure that peace would guide his footsteps and those of all he touched.

As I think about the imagination that this great leader must have had in order to even dare to dream of his country in such a bold new fashion, it makes me think about all of us right now. Some of us believe we are stuck in relationships, jobs, friendships or other situations that feel unbearable. Many people live with the false concept that they cannot change the circumstances of their lives -- at least not without some kind of violent twist. Taking pause, as Mandela did, allows you the space to see differently.

We can all remember and be inspired by Nelson Mandela for his ability to see the greater good beyond the oppression that was holding him and his people down. If you put yourself in his shoes for just a moment, it may help you to view your life differently. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for a third of his life because he voiced his convictions and demanded social justice for his people. When he was miraculously freed, he continued his fight on behalf of those people using love as his sword. Let Mandela be our example for how to step out of whatever situation is hurting us and claim what we deserve with grace, integrity and conviction. Rest in Peace, Madiba!

DEAR HARRIETTE: What do you do when you get a gift that you know was a re-gift -- and it does not work? My boss gave me a coffee pot, and when I plugged it in, it wouldn't work. The box said that the coffee pot came with a variety of coffee, and none of it was in there. I think she got it as a gift and meant to take it back to the store but forgot. My boss knows that I love coffee, and I think that's why she thought to give it to me. Anyhow, it backfired, because it was busted. I don't want to embarrass her, but what do I do? Do I say something or not? -- Not Gifted, Miami

DEAR NOT GIFTED: It sounds like your boss had good intentions even though they didn't work out. I would not mention to her that the coffee pot didn't work. You can try to get it repaired, give it to charity or throw it out if you think it cannot be repaired.

As far as re-gifting in general, I like it up to a point. If you were given something that you know another would appreciate AND it is in good working condition, by all means share it. What you shouldn't do is pretend that you bought it when you didn't. You may even say that the item was given to you and you thought that the person in question would appreciate it. Being honest in the gift-giving process is what makes it work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 7-year-old son was invited to a sleepover, and he wants to go. He is worried, though, because sometimes he still wets the bed. I do not want to embarrass him by saying something to the host mom, but how do I handle it to make sure he doesn't spoil their furniture if he has an accident? -- Concerned, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR CONCERNED: Rest assured that your son is not the only one who is late to the party on this point. Unfortunately, it can take some children longer to be able to control their bladder than others. A practice you can start at home is to limit liquid intake to a couple of hours before bedtime. Make sure he knows to go to the bathroom and empty his bladder before getting in the bed.

Invest in pull-up diapers if he is small enough, or even the adult-size diapers that are used for adults with incontinence. He can wear loose-fitting pajama bottoms so no one is the wiser. This will help him to feel more confident going to sleep at the party. Do not keep up the use of the diapers at home, though, because the goal is to get him to know when to get up and relieve himself. It may take a little extra time, but eventually he will be able to do it.

He will likely greatly appreciate you getting him the diapers for the party, so that he can feel confident among his peers.