Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have never been one to buy a lot of presents for the holiday season. I like to spend time with my friends and family, but I don't believe in going broke in order to give somebody something they may not even want or like. When I mention that I don't so much believe in gift-giving, though, sometimes I get pushback. It's almost as if you are expected to give a person a gift if you are friends. I get it if the person is a child, but is it so important to give gifts to your friends at work and at church? I don't want to do it. I give cards sometimes, but usually I just like to spend time with them. How can I get across the notion that I believe time together is more valuable than a thing? -- Wanting to Connect, Chicago

DEAR WANTING TO CONNECT: I love your idea of giving the gift of time. One way that you may be able to get your idea across to your friends so that they welcome it is by writing each of them a card saying that you are offering them the gift of a special experience with you. Invite someone to tea or another for a walk. Invite one to dinner, to the movies or even for a quiet visit at home. Get creative in your invitations so that your friends see that you truly value this experience you are recommending. You may be able to turn their attention to what you value most -- the engagement with them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband never buys me anything for Christmas even though I have told him for years that it is important to me to receive a holiday gift -- even if it is of small monetary value. I grew up with a Christmas tree and all the trimmings. We go home to my family every year for Christmas, and almost invariably I am the only one with no gift from a spouse. He seems to be oblivious. But this is after I have told him at least 10 times. I even remind him sometimes a few weeks before Christmas. What can I do to get him to care about me in the way that makes me happy? -- Snubbed, Baltimore

DEAR SNUBBED: It could be that your husband truly is disconnected from the gift-giving tradition of Christmas, so he just doesn't care. It could also be something deeper. Does your husband feel like you pay attention to what he values? It is possible that the two of you have gotten into a rut without realizing it.

Apart from holiday gifts, is there any other place in your relationship where you feel unheard or unappreciated? More, can you identify ways that you may be denying him something that he values? If you can look under the skin of your marriage and notice where you two can both improve in how you engage each other, you may be able to find ways to make each other happy. You do something he likes, and he does something you like.

Meanwhile, buy yourself a present and put it under the tree this year!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just lost a lot of weight and want to get rid of clothes that don't fit anymore. I have a friend who is about the size I used to be. I have a lot of great suits and dresses and different things that she may like. I am just unsure of how to bring it up to her so that I don't offend her. Sometimes people get weird around weight loss. Do you think I should offer the clothes to her? -- Giving Spirit, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR GIVING SPIRIT: It is fine for you to contact your friend about giving her clothing. What you should not do is emphasize your weight loss. Tell her that you have identified a number of clothing items that you want to give away and that you thought she might want them. If she is interested, arrange a time to show or share them with her. By leaving your weight out of it, you make it easier for her to be comfortable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Regarding Shoe Freak's letter about being required to remove her shoes upon entering a friend's home for a party, I don't understand how anyone thinks requiring one to remove their shoes is "cleaner" than wearing shoes that have been wiped on a doormat. The thought of other people's bare feet embedding sweat and body oils (or worse, fungus) in my carpet makes me crazy.

If one is concerned about tracking in dirt from the outside, there are plenty of good mats that can be used to wipe off shoes. Or, at the very least, fussy hosts can provide clean socks for their guests (not slippers, unless they're new and unused -- and who has that many for a houseful of guests?). But bare feet -- never in my house! -- Grammar Nut, Salt Lake City

DEAR GRAMMAR NUT: Thank you for your candid comments. I like the idea of clean socks as an option for hosts who don't want shoes worn in their homes. That is a surefire hygienic choice.

While you have a good argument about germs on feet, do know that in many countries worldwide, it is customary for people to remove their shoes before entering homes. This is done partly for sanitary reasons, partly for sacred reasons. When larger groups are expected, I concur that a creative solution is wise for guests with diverse opinions on the subject.

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the proper length of time for a best friend to begin seeing her best friend's ex? Although I broke off the relationship primarily because of his verbal and emotional abuse, am I wrong to be upset if they start seeing each other two days later and then call me to tell me what a great time they had together? She says they are only friends, but it seems everywhere I go (places she and I used to go together), they are always there, and I am the one left alone. Not only have I lost someone I used to care for, but I have also lost my best friend. -- Alone, Racine, Mich.

DEAR ALONE: I can only imagine the pain that you are feeling right now, on so many levels. The abuse that you suffered with your ex-boyfriend is enough to send you reeling. For that to be exacerbated by what seems like a blatant betrayal on your best friend's part is understandably devastating.

You should be upset. Your "best friend" is behaving in her own selfish interest right now with no regard for you. It could be that your ex is quite the charmer. Often, people who inflict abuse upon others are masterful at luring in new prey. Still, that does not excuse your friend.

You have every right to tell her that you feel she has betrayed your friendship. Ask her, at the very least, to stop going to the places where you used to go together. Ask her to have that modicum of respect for you. Sadly, you have to move on, past both of these two souls. I recommend that you go to therapy and work through your own demons so that you can find your way to healthier relationships all around. You deserve to be loved and respected.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son is having a birthday soon (turning 11), and he is inviting a few friends to a sleepover. One friend has a twin brother. He has made it clear that he does not want to invite that boy. He says that whenever this boy is around, bad things happen. I feel uncomfortable about inviting only half of a pair of twins. I feel like I should then tell the mother why we aren't inviting her other child. I do think she knows that this boy gets rambunctious. But I am uncomfortable. On the other hand, I do want to teach my child how to be discriminating about his friends. What should I do? Maybe don't invite the other boy either, even though they are close? -- Treading Lightly, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TREADING LIGHTLY: That your son is thinking through what may happen with his friends at his party is smart. It means you are teaching him well. You can continue the conversation first with your son, asking him if he thinks it is thoughtful to invite one twin and not the other.

If you reach the conclusion that he truly wants to invite only one, your job as the mom is to reach out to the twins' mom and tell her that your son is inviting just the one boy to this small party. You do not need to explain why unless she asks.