Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a girlfriend who is separated from her husband, and she would like to have some male company during the holiday season. I believe she should reconcile her relationship with her husband; however, I know how adamant she can be when it comes to making up her mind. How can I tell my friend that what she is doing is wrong? -- The Fixer, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR THE FIXER: You should not stand in judgment of your friend. How do you know that what she is doing is totally wrong? If she and her husband are separated, clearly the two of them feel that they have reached a major divide.

It can get messy for someone to launch a relationship with someone new before ending the current relationship. What you can do is point out to your friend that she might want to handle first things first. If she believes her marriage is over, she should see an attorney and head toward divorce. If she is ambivalent, she should seek counseling. Seeking comfort from another before getting her house in order can make her life more complicated.

You can gently point out these things, but ultimately, it is her life. Step back and let her live it without the burden of your judgment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A former business partner called me recently to ask if I would like to work with him on a future project. I told him that I would respond to his offer at a later date. I am hesitant because we worked on a project a few years back. We had a lot of fun, but we did not make any money. If I say yes, I feel like there would be the potential to get burned again. I really like my former business partner as a friend, but I am not too sure about as a businessperson. -- On the Dotted Line, Chicago

DEAR ON THE DOTTED LINE: Trust your gut. While one bad experience does not guarantee another one, if your heart is telling you that it is not a good idea to work together, don't ignore your inner wisdom.

If you simply want to walk away, thank him for the offer and decline. If you are interested in learning more details, tell him as much. Whenever you consider embarking on a business project, you should learn everything you can about the opportunity so that you can assess its value objectively and think about the risks versus potential rewards. Since you had poor results in the past, be sure to learn about all of the financials up front. By going through this process step by step, it will be easier for you to speak to your friend about whether you think it makes sense to move forward.

Working with friends is often difficult. Weigh the odds to determine whether it is worth it for you to enter into a business relationship with this friend or if it is smarter to stay friends without business ties. When you decide, tell him the truth about your choice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My relationship with my teenage niece has deteriorated to the point where we are not talking to each other. She has a boyfriend, and I think that is the reason of the decline in our relationship. He is what I would call a typical "bad boy." He is a high school dropout, and he has encouraged my niece to quit school or at least not to attend as frequently. I spoke to her about this young man because it concerned me, and she got mad. My sister, who is her mother, and her kids and I live together. Now, every morning I greet my niece and she walks away in disgust. I am doing my best to keep the lines of communication open between us, but it is not working. What should I do? -- Family First, Chicago

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: Talk to your sister about the situation. Ask her if she is aware of the friction between you and your niece. Point out what you believe to be happening between her and her boyfriend. Make sure she knows about the school delinquency as well.

As an adult in the home, take responsibility for oversight of what may be happening. Remember that you are the grownup in your relationship with your niece. The next time she walks away, you may want to call out to her to say that you want to talk. Let her know that you care about her and that you are concerned about her. See if she responds.

Since you live together, there should be a level of respect required in the household. You and your sister need to identify what those rules should be and work together to enforce them. Keep in mind that there likely is something going on with your niece that is leading her to act out. That is what you and your sister need to identify.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My church is having a Christmas party for a women's shelter in New York City, and my pastor has asked the members if we can sponsor a child and give them a toy. I would love to sponsor a child; however, I am not in the position financially to do so at this time. What are some ways I can give without spending money? -- A Heart to Give, New York City

DEAR A HEART TO GIVE: Tell your pastor of your circumstances. Explain that you want to help in whatever way you can that does not cost money. Offer to help deliver the items to the shelter. Offer to assist your pastor in any other ways the church or the shelter may need.

Consider being creative and making a gift for a child. It is possible for you to use your own hands and a few resources that you already have at home to craft a gift that a child may love.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I always feel rushed, and as a result, I feel like I'm always forgetting something. I have two jobs because one wasn't enough to pay my bills. I work about 15 hours a day, six days a week. I find that I can hardly get everything done. Trying to do my laundry and clean my apartment become second to everything. Even grocery shopping is hard to keep up when I have so little time off. I don't mean to complain, but I don't know how to manage my time. -- Frustrated, Bronx, New York

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Especially since your time is so tight, it is essential for you to maintain a written schedule. I make a daily to-do list that I write in the evening and execute the next day. I include everything on my list, from what time I have to be at work to drinking water and calling my mother. I used to only include work-related tasks, but I discovered that all of my personal needs were being forgotten. So I expanded my list and put myself on top.

You can do the same. Break down your time off into manageable chunks, such as 15-minute intervals. Include exercise, grocery shopping, cleaning your home, having fun and relaxing into those moments. If you stick to your list, over time you will discover that you will be much better able to enjoy the fullness of each moment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister invited me to go on a cruise with her -- primarily because her boyfriend just dumped her and they were going to go together. It's a very nice invitation, but I'm worried that I will end up being her shrink for 10 days. She is a mess after this breakup. While I love her, I don't know if I can handle listening to her drone on and on about what happened when I do not have the skills to heal her. How can I go and be supportive without being overwhelmed? -- One Foot In, Shreveport, La.

DEAR ONE FOOT IN: You have to decide what you can handle. Know that you probably will be in the same cabin as your sister. Usually these are close quarters. If you choose to go, you may want to make a plan with your sister for time out, meaning when you are in the cabin and quiet as well as when you are off on your own and not with her. Talk to your sister about your desire to be there for her and your concern that you are not equipped to be her therapist. Be crystal clear with her that you have to have boundaries in order for this trip to work for both of you.

Be prepared to do things to refresh yourself so that you have time each day to support your sister. Since she is emotionally fragile, you may want to invite her to participate in fun activities that will engage her and get her mind off her sorrows.