Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I got into a big argument yesterday, and today he acts like nothing happened. I am still fuming. He did not apologize, nor did I. We just yelled out our points and then went to sleep. I slept in my daughter's room. I didn't even want to see his face. I cannot act like nothing happened. I don't want to argue, either. How can I address this situation without sparking a bigger flame? -- Incendiary, Racine, Wis.

DEAR INCENDIARY: A great rule to follow in a marriage is not to go to bed angry. Clearly, that is easier said than done. What you can attempt is not to go to bed angry again.

Ask your husband if you can take a few minutes to talk. As calmly as possible, tell him that you are having a hard time moving past your argument. Tell him how you are feeling. Ask him how he is feeling. If he says he has moved past it, tell him that you have not been able to do that because the argument upset you so greatly.

Suggest that the next time that you two have a disagreement that you stop before the voices elevate and agree to revisit the topic when you both have cooler heads. You both may want to read "Conversation Transformation: Recognize and Overcome the 6 Most Destructive Communication Patterns," by Dr. Ben E. Benjamin.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a couple more suggestions for the woman who is concerned about feeding herself and her sister's family. Each week, write a meal plan before shopping. Check the cupboard to see what you can use. Check store ads -- if you can -- to see what's on special. I always spend more at the store when I don't have a planned shopping list.

Also, go to the library or get on the Internet and learn about nutrition. This will help you figure out portion size and how to get the most nutritional value from what you can afford. I think a lot of people believe they need more protein than their bodies actually do. Use rice and beans to add bulk.

Some cities have community gardens, where you can grow your own produce in the summer or work for a share of the harvest from a collective garden.

Shop in the morning if you can. Where I shop, employees mark down the meat nearing its expiration date each morning. Get there first.

And here's one most city dwellers know already: Try to shop at a supermarket rather than the local convenience store. Farmers markets are even better, if you can get to one. -- Food Stretcher, Chicago

DEAR FOOD STRETCHER: Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful ideas. They are wise for everyone, whether you need to pinch pennies or not!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm feeling the burden of the recent passing of my grandmother. My family is pulling me in every direction to help them, and I need to take a minute to gather my thoughts. How do I find the time to take care of myself during this time of grieving? -- Family First, Chicago

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: You must take care of yourself in order to support your family. Just as people are instructed on airplanes to put the oxygen mask over their own face before that of a child, you must tend to you.

The good news is that self-care can come in small doses. Take 15 minutes in the morning and in the evening to meditate. Sit quietly, close your eyes and breathe fully. Let any thoughts that fill your mind go away. Concentrate on your breath. Trust that you have inner wisdom that can guide you.

Spend time thinking about your grandmother. Remember things about her that you believe will honor her memory.

Suggest that you make time each day for a family meeting to discuss how you will handle your grandmother's service. Write down what everyone's responsibilities will be, including yours. Do not take on more than you can handle. If at all possible, delegate duties so that they are all shared. Be sure to eat in a healthy manner and get as much sleep as you can. This will help you to be able to manage all of the energy that is coming your way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a family member whose birthday falls on Dec. 26, and I was wondering, do I give him a Christmas gift and a birthday gift, or can I get away with giving only one gift this year? He is turning 35, so we're not talking about a child here, but I know that he sometimes feels shortchanged because most people give him only one gift. -- The Day After, New York City

DEAR THE DAY AFTER: Acknowledgment is what your family member seeks, and what's wonderful is that you can absolutely celebrate both Christmas and his birthday without having to spend extra money.

What you can do is buy one gift and give him two cards, one for each celebration. If it is typical in your family for everyone to give Christmas presents, have a gift for him under the tree. Because this is a big birthday, do some research and find him a card that reflects his personality and the tenor of his special day. You can also write him a heartfelt note expressing your love for him at this time of year.

If your family is going to be together on his birthday as well, consider having a cake for him so that you fete him separately on his big day. Again, the idea is that you acknowledge him for each occasion separately. In this way, he will feel fully honored.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 41-year-old man, and I am stressing out because I have to take "the test" to see if I have prostate cancer. I heard it is uncomfortable because of the process to find the prostate. I am really nervous. I am having second thoughts, and I just may skip it altogether because I feel great. Do you think it would be wise for me to skip the test because I am really afraid? -- Let's Get a Physical, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR LET'S GET A PHYSICAL: You are not alone in your trepidation about getting a prostate examination. Sadly, many men, in particular, avoid going to the doctor until there is an emergency. I would like to suggest that you think about this test differently. In a complete physical, which you should have annually, you should have a prostate examination. You should have that test along with a range of traditional blood tests that are designed to evaluate your health. If you have any unusual test results, your doctor will help you to make choices to become healthier.

While the prostate test may be somewhat uncomfortable, trust that it is a very quick exam that thousands of men get every day. You can do it. Rather than avoiding the test because of your fear of the unknown, go for it. When you monitor your health, you create space to take care of yourself preventatively.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance's parents are Jehovah's Witnesses, and I recently learned that they do not celebrate Christmas. I had invited them to my home for Christmas dinner for the first time that I have ever cooked for my family, and I thought it would be great for them to come so that the parents and other family members can all meet. I am so disappointed. I asked my fiance if they would consider coming anyway and just not exchange gifts. He said there's no way. Now I'm wondering what life is going to be like with him if his parents aren't ever going to come around on holidays. Am I making a mistake? -- Second Guessing, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SECOND GUESSING: It is true that Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Christmas. The only yearly observance that I'm aware of them celebrating is wedding anniversaries. They do not celebrate birthdays, either.

This does not have to be a deal breaker. There are plenty of couples with one partner as a Witness and one of another faith tradition. While it is easier if you and your partner and your families share the same spiritual practices, you can manage if you do not.

For example, plan a meal where both families meet that is on a neutral day. Turn it into a special occasion by saying it is a meet-the-parents moment. As far as your differing faiths, before you get married, talk openly about your beliefs with your fiance and his family, and ask them questions about theirs. Figure out where your ideas converge and where you may need to agree to disagree. To learn more about Jehovah's Witnesses, visit jw.org/en/.