Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two children in elementary school. Once again, there has been a recent shooting at a school. These things make huge news stories, as they should, but as a result, my children know about them. I feel powerless to protect them from such random acts of violence. Each time we hear about precious children being shot and sometimes killed, it is paralyzing. What do I say to my children? They are afraid to go to school now. -- Afraid, Shreveport, La.

DEAR AFRAID: It is scary and incredibly sad that our country continues to be plagued by sick individuals who choose to harm innocent children. You and your children naturally should be concerned about this recurring situation.

What you can do is talk to your children's principal to learn about what safety precautions have been put in place at their school to assure the highest level of safety. Get involved in the PTA and learn what parents can do to support the school and the children. Learn the rules in case of an emergency, and talk to your children about paying attention so that they can implement them.

Talk to them about the sad fact that some people in this world are up to no good and they have to be mindful of any students or others who are mean or who behave as bullies. When they notice something that is off, they should tell the teacher right away. By educating your children about how they can be as safe as possible, you create more space for them to experience ease.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a call out of the blue from a woman who was my friend when I was growing up. We haven't been in touch for more than 30 years. At first, I wasn't even sure who she was. She found my number from a woman I have kept in touch with from home and called. It was pleasant to hear from her. She said she was coming to New York soon and wants to get together. I thought that was fine. But then she added that she hoped she could stay with me for a couple of days. I was taken aback. How could this be possible? I hardly even know her. I do know that people like to stay with others when they visit the Big Apple because it is expensive here, but we are not friends. What should I say to her? I am willing to get together, but not to be a hotel. -- Mouth Hanging Open, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR MOUTH HANGING OPEN: Be direct with this woman. Tell her that you would be happy to see her while she is in town. You may also want to recommend sites for her to visit, your favorite restaurants and other highlights. Draw the line about spending the night. You don't need to go into an explanation. Simply say that you are sorry, but you cannot accommodate that request.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I stopped giving holiday gifts years ago. I go to visit friends and family throughout the season, but I have no children and stopped thinking it was essential to dole out money for gifts and go broke just to be like everyone else. For the most part this is a nonissue for me.

I have one friend, a new friend, who insisted on getting me a gift. She even gave it to me before Christmas. Now it's kind of awkward because I didn't get her anything, and I don't want to have to either. I feel certain that I told her my policy. I don't want her to think that I don't care about her. How can I graciously handle this? She is not a girlfriend, but a nice new friend. -- Giftless, Seattle

DEAR GIFTLESS: You are not the only person who does not give out tangible gifts during the holidays, although it may seem like it. You also do not have to follow someone else's rules. If this woman were your partner and really wanted to exchange gifts, that would be a different matter. Still, you obviously care for her. You do have options. You can get her a lovely card with a fitting sentiment about how you feel about her. There are so many options these days, you are bound to find something special.

You might also choose to do something with her. A gift does not always have to be a thing. You could invite her to go to a museum with you, or you might invite her out for drinks. Think of an affordable yet fun activity that you can share that gives you both the gift of time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was just reading your column, and a comment you made to a writer brought to mind a great quote I heard years ago that you may be able to use for those with bitterness and grudges. Your reply to "Mad All Over Again" was, "Holding a grudge against her does you no good."

I love this quote from an old man. I memorized it immediately and have applied it in my life several times: "Bitterness does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the vessel into which it is poured."

Isn't that a good one? Thank you for your column and good, levelheaded advice. -- For Forgiveness, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR FOR FORGIVENESS: I love your note and its sentiment. It is so incredibly difficult for people to tear themselves away from hurt and anger when someone close to them does them wrong. Yet, holding on literally erodes the person who cannot let go or forgive. I believe that the battle to release the anguish rather than drown in it is one of the most important battles that one can wage. We are all fallible. Perhaps by practicing forgiveness of ourselves for our faults and misdeeds, we can become more likely to forgive others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I got into a big argument yesterday, and today he acts like nothing happened. I am still fuming. He did not apologize, nor did I. We just yelled out our points and then went to sleep. I slept in my daughter's room. I didn't even want to see his face. I cannot act like nothing happened. I don't want to argue, either. How can I address this situation without sparking a bigger flame? -- Incendiary, Racine, Wis.

DEAR INCENDIARY: A great rule to follow in a marriage is not to go to bed angry. Clearly, that is easier said than done. What you can attempt is not to go to bed angry again.

Ask your husband if you can take a few minutes to talk. As calmly as possible, tell him that you are having a hard time moving past your argument. Tell him how you are feeling. Ask him how he is feeling. If he says he has moved past it, tell him that you have not been able to do that because the argument upset you so greatly.

Suggest that the next time that you two have a disagreement that you stop before the voices elevate and agree to revisit the topic when you both have cooler heads. You both may want to read "Conversation Transformation: Recognize and Overcome the 6 Most Destructive Communication Patterns," by Dr. Ben E. Benjamin.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a couple more suggestions for the woman who is concerned about feeding herself and her sister's family. Each week, write a meal plan before shopping. Check the cupboard to see what you can use. Check store ads -- if you can -- to see what's on special. I always spend more at the store when I don't have a planned shopping list.

Also, go to the library or get on the Internet and learn about nutrition. This will help you figure out portion size and how to get the most nutritional value from what you can afford. I think a lot of people believe they need more protein than their bodies actually do. Use rice and beans to add bulk.

Some cities have community gardens, where you can grow your own produce in the summer or work for a share of the harvest from a collective garden.

Shop in the morning if you can. Where I shop, employees mark down the meat nearing its expiration date each morning. Get there first.

And here's one most city dwellers know already: Try to shop at a supermarket rather than the local convenience store. Farmers markets are even better, if you can get to one. -- Food Stretcher, Chicago

DEAR FOOD STRETCHER: Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful ideas. They are wise for everyone, whether you need to pinch pennies or not!