Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I cannot afford to go out on New Year's Eve because restaurants, clubs and lounges are planning to charge top dollar to bring in the New Year in their respective venues. How can I bring in the New Year without going broke in the process? -- Where's the Party?, Chicago

DEAR WHERE'S THE PARTY?: Plan an activity at home with a few friends. Make the food yourself, or have others chip in. Buy your wine and spirits at a discount wine store if possible. Turn on the music and have a great time. You can theme your party or just keep it low-key.

Honestly, many people enjoy the smaller events even more than the big and sometimes loud activities at public establishments. Do not feel that you are missing out by staying in. Instead, turn an at-home event into a night to remember! Your friends will thank you for it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I appreciate your response to "Snubbed" from Baltimore, whose husband would not buy her a gift. My husband was the same. His family simply did not celebrate holidays the way I did, so he really did not understand the expectation. I was truly hurt by this until I decided to make certain I was heard and advocated for myself. I remind my husband several weeks before each holiday, birthday and anniversary. I give him a list of things I would like, making sure to include differing price ranges. Sometimes it is chores, sometimes trips, sometimes just a dinner alone. I continue to remind him, and it becomes a humorous game. My list will look like this:

To show you love me, you could purchase me my favorite chocolates. If you really love me, you can take me to my favorite restaurant. If I am the love of your life, you can take me on a weekend trip. Guess which gift I typically receive?

Hope this helps Snubbed bring lightness to the situation, playfulness to her marriage and the gift she is looking for. -- Make it Fun, Chicago

DEAR MAKE IT FUN: What a great idea! You absolutely do have to figure out how to open your spouse's eyes to your likes and dislikes. Otherwise, your marriage can be an exercise in frustration and hurt feelings. That goes both ways, by the way! Women often falsely believe that they know exactly what their husbands want and need.

I vote for asking your spouse and genuinely listening. Instead of superimposing your desires onto your partner, find out what his or her desires are and do your best to honor them. If you need to make a game, like yours, so be it.

Being angry and moping serves no one. Put on your thinking cap, get creative and design your life so that your partner becomes excited about making you happy. Now wouldn't that be nice?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was really looking forward to seeing my brother and his family for the holidays, but I just learned that they decided not to visit this year. It turns out that my brother and his wife are getting divorced. They have been married for 18 years. They have three kids, and they really do seem like a happy couple and family. I had no clue. I talk to my brother frequently, so I don't know how I missed this. I feel like he should have told me. My feelings are all mixed up. I'm sad for them and mad that he kept it a secret. I feel like calling him and cursing him out. I know that's the wrong thing to do. What should I do? -- Beyond Sad, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BEYOND SAD: When people in a family get divorced, it definitely affects more than the husband and wife. It is one of the most difficult crises that families suffer. And yet, it is the main concern of the couple. They probably are choosing not to visit family because they are not ready to talk about the demise of their marriage. Typically, when people break up, they aren't on the best of terms, which makes it even harder to attempt to communicate clearly with others. They do not want to be judged or interrogated. This is likely why your brother did not tell you; he shut down.

Yes, you can reach out to him, but only in love, not with a barrage of questions. You can call him or write to him, letting him know that you are sorry for his situation and that you love him and want to be there for him in any way you can. The only question you should ask right now is if there is any specific way you can support him. Otherwise, wait for him to come to you. During your family time, suggest that family members respect his privacy during this sad period and be willing to offer love without talking about details that they don't really know or understand anyway.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always gone to the same holiday party with my family forever. We went when we were just out of college, and we still go, even into my 50s. Well, my husband doesn't want to go anymore. He said enough is enough. He loves my family and tolerates the range of people we "make nice" with at the event, but he wants to do other things with his time. I know my family will be disappointed. How should I handle this? My husband is still coming to be with the family over the holidays, just not to the party. -- Enough, Portland, Ore.

DEAR ENOUGH: Family traditions can be wonderful, and they can sometimes be stifling. Your husband's change of heart suggests that this activity no longer works for him. Tell your family that you two will not be attending, but then be fully present at the events where you do go. Show that you are as connected to your family as before, just differently.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two children in elementary school. Once again, there has been a recent shooting at a school. These things make huge news stories, as they should, but as a result, my children know about them. I feel powerless to protect them from such random acts of violence. Each time we hear about precious children being shot and sometimes killed, it is paralyzing. What do I say to my children? They are afraid to go to school now. -- Afraid, Shreveport, La.

DEAR AFRAID: It is scary and incredibly sad that our country continues to be plagued by sick individuals who choose to harm innocent children. You and your children naturally should be concerned about this recurring situation.

What you can do is talk to your children's principal to learn about what safety precautions have been put in place at their school to assure the highest level of safety. Get involved in the PTA and learn what parents can do to support the school and the children. Learn the rules in case of an emergency, and talk to your children about paying attention so that they can implement them.

Talk to them about the sad fact that some people in this world are up to no good and they have to be mindful of any students or others who are mean or who behave as bullies. When they notice something that is off, they should tell the teacher right away. By educating your children about how they can be as safe as possible, you create more space for them to experience ease.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a call out of the blue from a woman who was my friend when I was growing up. We haven't been in touch for more than 30 years. At first, I wasn't even sure who she was. She found my number from a woman I have kept in touch with from home and called. It was pleasant to hear from her. She said she was coming to New York soon and wants to get together. I thought that was fine. But then she added that she hoped she could stay with me for a couple of days. I was taken aback. How could this be possible? I hardly even know her. I do know that people like to stay with others when they visit the Big Apple because it is expensive here, but we are not friends. What should I say to her? I am willing to get together, but not to be a hotel. -- Mouth Hanging Open, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR MOUTH HANGING OPEN: Be direct with this woman. Tell her that you would be happy to see her while she is in town. You may also want to recommend sites for her to visit, your favorite restaurants and other highlights. Draw the line about spending the night. You don't need to go into an explanation. Simply say that you are sorry, but you cannot accommodate that request.