Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: As the holidays approach, I find myself feeling more and more stressed out because I am thinking I would like to be alone this holiday season. My anxiety comes from the endless questions about my personal life. Who am I dating? When am I getting married? In times past, I have put on a happy face and given a witty answer. However, I do not feel like doing that this year. I am considering boycotting family gatherings all together. What should I do? -- Hermit for the Holidays, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR HERMIT FOR THE HOLIDAYS: I want you to take a step back, take a deep breath and then take a look at your life. You mention questions that are uncomfortable for you to discuss with your family. While it makes sense that you should not have to feel like you are being grilled about your life with them, it sounds like you are feeling uncomfortable about your current circumstances. What's important, therefore, is for you to do a self-assessment and figure out which areas of your life are fulfilling and which are not.

Are you dating and/or do you want to date? Do you want to get married, or are you comfortable being single? When you feel established in acceptance of whatever your state is at the time, it becomes easier for you to handle other people's questions. You can also divert conversations to the topics you want to discuss. You can directly tell people that you are happy to discuss work, your home, your hobbies -- whatever makes you feel at ease -- but that your personal life is off-limits.

You may want to consider establishing clear boundaries and even possibly inviting a friend to join you rather than staying away. Becoming a hermit could easily fuel uneasy feelings within you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been seeing my boyfriend for six months now, and he does not allow me to speak to any of his female friends. I dropped him off at his house after our date was over, and there was a woman in a car in front of his house waiting for his return. My boyfriend got out of my car and proceeded to walk over to the woman's car without introducing me. I do not know what he was thinking, but I am concerned about his behavior. Why won't he introduce me to his female friend? Should I be concerned, or am I paranoid because I do not have his undivided attention? -- A Committed Relationship?, Chicago

DEAR A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP?: You have every reason to be concerned. A six-month relationship should be considered committed on some level. It is time for you to figure out what that commitment means on his part. Ask him in a very straightforward manner what he believes your relationship is. Is it exclusive between the two of you? Is he still dating other people? What does he want in the future?

Continue by asking about his female friends. While you do not necessarily need to know every woman he knows, it makes no sense that a woman would be waiting at his home and he would not say who she is or introduce you to her. That is suspicious. If he refuses to tell you, read his silence as a warning that says, "Stop."

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend usually seems to be a guy's guy. He is into sports and cars and stuff. He is also attentive to me, which I love. We go out to dinner a lot and have fun dates. But I recently discovered something odd, or at least I think so. My boyfriend canceled a date because, of all things, he wanted to watch a Christmas movie. Later, he told me that he is addicted to holiday films and he watches them religiously every year. After he told me about it, he started to invite me to watch these movies with him. It was fun for a minute as a novelty, I guess. But I'm not the girl who is interested in chick flicks, and these are like chick flicks on steroids. Am I wrong for not wanting to kick my feet up, drink cocoa and watch Santa? -- Scrooge, Dallas

DEAR SCROOGE: OK, so you are not a big sentimentalist. Look on the bright side: The holiday movie season lasts a short time -- it's actually shorter than most professional sports seasons. This is not a forever experience. While you do not have to watch every one of his holiday flicks, why not entertain him by plopping down on the sofa with him sometimes? Relationships are all about compromise and learning to appreciate and even enjoy things that your partner likes that may not be your favorite activities.

My vote is for you to watch occasionally and, more important, not express any disdain about him and his guilty pleasure. It could be much worse! Note to you: Make sure that you present him with something special and thoughtful for the holiday since you know it ranks very high on his list of priorities.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met with an old acquaintance recently who was pitching a new business that he's working on. It's one of those multi-level marketing things. He is super excited and obviously he wants me to buy stuff from him, but even more, he wants me to join the business. I have absolutely no interest in doing either. I like him and give him credit for trying to make things work for himself after he lost his job a few years back, but part of me is irritated because I feel like he used his woe-is-me story to try to get me to spend money. Now he keeps calling and emailing with more pitches for what I should buy from him. How can I get him to back off without seeming rude? -- Enough, Salt Lake City

DEAR ENOUGH: Some people require direct, crystal-clear communication in order to respond appropriately. You can tell this man, either over the phone or via email if you must, that you are happy for him and his new business venture, but you will not be purchasing any products or joining his business. Wish him luck and end the communication. Do not promise to refer him to people unless you want him to keep contacting you. Do not promise anything at all. Just offer your good wishes for his success and put a period on it. If he continues to call or write, do not respond.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Happy Thanksgiving! This is one of the happiest times of year for me -- and also one of the busiest. Like so many other people, my family is on the move at Thanksgiving time. We travel to be with family, which often means being in stop-and-go traffic followed by moving slowly through congested airports. Somehow, the irritation of the hustle and bustle dims in comparison to the joy of sharing hugs with family we haven't seen for a year.

We also celebrate my daughter's birthday during this festive week. The miracle of her life in ours is truly enough to inspire us to do what this season calls us all to do: Count our blessings.

Thanksgiving is the season of gratitude. As the year draws to a close and we set our sights on what's next, this moment in time often brings family and loved ones together. We get to see how each other is progressing, what hurdles we may have faced and what opportunities lie before us.

To be fair, because this is often a time of gathering, plenty of people complain of friction that returns from old family memories. Others lament coming home because they fear being criticized, judged or otherwise made to feel uncomfortable. Yes, the opposites -- joy and sadness, elation and frustration -- do coexist at this holiday time.

Because this is true, I want to remind all of us to seek out the great in our experiences this Thanksgiving. By counting our blessings, we can soften our hearts. How do you do this? You can literally make a list where you write down those experiences, people and situations for which you are grateful. You can start small: "I am grateful that I woke up today and will be going to visit my family. I am grateful that I have the means to get to my destination -- whether I am paying for it or out of someone else's generosity. I am grateful for my health that is allowing me to be strong today. I am grateful for the food that I am going to soon eat. I am grateful for my wife/husband/mother/father/sister/brother/child/friends." Continue with your list of gratitude expressions until you feel more at ease. Your list can include very personal topics as well as global issues.

Make a conscious choice to be positive wherever you go for the holidays. Choose to see the good in other people, especially those with whom you have had conflict in the past. Decide that you will not get caught up in old drama. Encourage those around you to be happy in the moment. You will be amazed at how much your positive attitude can influence others.

Assuming an attitude of gratitude and a posture of service will help you tremendously. Instead of considering who may be there to wait on you or make you feel comfortable, look around to see how you can be of service to those in your midst. Open your eyes and notice what is going on. Actively choose to support each moment with conscious intention. This will make it so much easier to stay grounded, upbeat and clear through all of the activity. Enjoy!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)