Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has been hiding his homework assignments from my wife and me for several weeks now, something we learned from his teacher, who called me the other day to ask what was going on. We have always considered our boy to be a good kid. When I asked him about the missing homework assignments, he did not reply, he just shrugged it off. My wife thinks it is a good idea to ground him so we can teach him a lesson. I disagree because we have not figured out why he has not turned in his schoolwork. What do you recommend? -- Need to Take Care of Business, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR NEED TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS: Continue the conversation with your son's teacher to learn everything you can about his behavior at school. Ask questions so that you can learn about his social life, his other studies and if there is anything unusual going on in his life.

If you believe you can get your son to talk to you, create a safe space for the two of you to be together. Without passing judgment, ask him how things are going and what happened that led him to not do his homework and hide it from you. Find out if he needs help understanding the assignments. If so, tell him you can get him a tutor. Sometimes students who are well-behaved are promoted without much difficulty, even if they are experiencing academic challenges. Your good boy may need support.

I recommend figuring out the problem before punishing him. At the same time, I would not reward him with anything extra. You need to figure out the source of his struggle.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your reader Dallas Scrooge needs to do exactly as you say and join her fiance for holiday movies. After I was married, I learned my husband's secret -- Monty Python and Mel Brooks movies! Definitely not my idea of funny. From toddlerhood to adulthood, our daughter would sit and laugh with him, watching the movies. I never got it, but never complained because they were having fun together, and that was wonderful. Now, after 43 years of a love-filled marriage, he is gone. When I think of Monty Python, and my Jack's and Anne's laughter, I finally smile. In retrospect, those were great years. -- Thankful, Loudon, Tennessee

DEAR THANKFUL: Isn't it amazing how the little things make all the difference in a relationship? Often, the little things that matter to one partner are different from what moves the other one. Hence, the art of compromise. You really do not have to love your partner's hobbies or interests. Respecting them and honoring them, making space for each of you to have your indulgences, is part of showing your love.

Your story serves as testament to the type of fruit a loving relationship can yield, even after death. Thank you!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am dealing with jealousy issues at work that I do not know how to handle. My time is split between commuting to the office and working from home. My colleagues have complained that I have a better life because I am not stuck in the office five days a week. How can I change their perception because I do the same amount of work? -- Want To Be a Team Player, Salt Lake City

DEAR WANT TO BE A TEAM PLAYER: You may not be able to change your colleagues' perception of you. If they are jealous that you work from home when they don't, you can't easily rectify that. What you can do is to show them how present you are.

For example, when you are working from home, for a while choose to be less independent. Include them on video calls or traditional conference calls with more regularity. Call them up and run ideas by them for the projects that you share. The point is for you to choose to be more closely connected to them, even though you are in different places. One of the benefits that people experience when they work in the same space is that they can bounce ideas off each other and generally enjoy the camaraderie of being together. Do your best to cultivate that type of connection with them when you are in their company and when you are not.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Old friends of the family are coming to spend Christmas week with my husband and me, and we are thrilled to host them. The only problem is that we have a family tradition where we go to our annual midnight church service on Christmas Eve, and our friends do not want to go. Do we skip our annual activity in order to be good hosts? What should we do? -- Host Blues, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR HOST BLUES: Especially during the holidays, it is important for hosts and guests to be flexible. Just because your friends are coming to visit does not mean that you have to be by their side every minute of their stay. What you can do is to manage their expectations by letting them know the itinerary for their stay -- what you are already planning to do and what some fun options might be for them to do solo and with you and your husband. This includes your midnight Christmas Eve service. But it may also include other activities. Talk to your friends about what they would like to do while they are in town. While you do not have to be tour director, it would be great for you to research a series of options of seasonal activities and make recommendations. Be sure to leave space for unstructured time, too. The best visits include together time and alone time!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to dinner at a new restaurant in my neighborhood. An old friend is the owner, and I wanted to support his business endeavor. The service was lacking, and the food was all right, though not exactly to my liking. The challenge is that this friend has now offered to cater my birthday for free because it would create more business for him. Catering is such a huge part of my budget that I am tempted to take him up on the offer and save that money, but his food was not that good. I do not know what to do. I want to support him and save money, but I also want to have great food for my guests. I believe that if I do not take him up on the offer, we will no longer be friends simply because he understands the amount of money I can save by just going with him. What do you think? -- Not My Mother's Cooking, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR NOT MY MOTHER'S COOKING: Start by having a clear understanding that business and friendship are two separate things. If you even consider working with your friend, you have to sit down and talk to him honestly about your assessment of his restaurant. Truthfully, this is the kind thing to do anyway. Give him an honest, detailed critique of what worked and what didn't work. The more specific you are, the more capable he will be of addressing the issues you bring up.

Express your trepidation about having him cater your birthday party. Tell him that you don't think he is ready for that yet. You could ask him to do a tasting for you of what he might serve to see if he can work out the kinks. At said tasting, bring someone to accompany you and observe how his servers treat you and the quality of the food. If you still do not like it, do not use him as a caterer. His feelings may be hurt, but that's business. If you decide to go with him, have a written contract that outlines what he is going to provide.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I do not want my young children to think of the holidays as a time just for gifts. I want to make certain that they understand "the reason for the season." Can you recommend any ways to make sure that they "get it" without feeling left out of all the gift-giving going on around them? -- The Reason for the Season, Atlanta

DEAR THE REASON FOR THE SEASON: The way that you live your life is going to reflect back to your children who you are and what you believe. This includes any religious beliefs and practices that you may have. Take your children to holiday church services so that they learn about the story of Jesus Christ. Participate in activities that give to those in need -- making meals and feeding the hungry, caroling at senior centers, making and/or buying gifts and delivering them to shelters, churches and other areas where there is need.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)