Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My company is going to have its annual Secret Santa gift exchange party in a few days, and I drew the name of a co-worker I really do not know. The rule for our Secret Santa is that we cannot spend over $30. I am not too sure what I should buy for someone I do not know. Do you have any suggestions on what kind of gift I should I purchase? -- Gift Exchange, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR GIFT EXCHANGE: Can you stealthily find out anything about this person? Go to his or her work area and look around. What do you see? Lots of photos? Consider a picture frame. A stack of DVDS? A gift certificate to a local movie theater. A pile of shoes under the desk? A small double-row shoe rack that can fit neatly under there.

The point is to take a little time to learn something about the person. What people appreciate the most is being seen and honored for who they are. You can do that through the powers of observation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I recently had a baby. We are so excited. We have always gone to visit my husband's family at this time of year. As new parents, we do not want to travel for Christmas. My in-laws live about five hours away by car. I want to invite them to come to dinner at our house for the holiday and spend a few days with us instead. Whether they agree or not, I really do not want to make that long drive with a newborn in the car. How can I suggest this without hurting my mother-in-law's feelings? -- Time for a New Tradition, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TIME FOR A NEW TRADITION: Short term, you have the reality of your newborn baby as a reason to invite your in-laws to travel to visit you. It is more convenient for you to stay put. Call your in-laws and invite them to come to your home so that they can be with you and the baby, and you can feel comfortable as you learn to tend to your newborn.

Long term, you must think about your family traditions and whether now is the time to consider changing them. Perhaps you would like to start hosting one of the holiday celebrations. Think about what you would like to propose. Talk it over with your husband, and present your ideas to your family members during this holiday season. You may want to consider a bridge, where you host Christmas one year and they host it the next. Over time, you may want to alternate the holidays and have them host Thanksgiving and you host Christmas. In this way, Santa can come directly to your house! Your growing family will thank you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has always been practical when it comes to asking for things for Christmas. He has never asked for extravagant gifts, and my husband and I do our best to get whatever he requests. This year, he once again hasn't asked for much, but what he wants is pricey. He has four items on his list. The main one is above our budget. We have been talking about it. Since our son is frugal, we want to get it. But if we get that one item, that will be it. Should we get him a few little things or splurge on the one big item on his list? -- What to Do, Washington, D.C.

DEAR WHAT TO DO: As you assess your finances, figure out if the one item is possible for you to get at this time. If you can do it without hurting your overall budget, go for it. If it is out of reach, it is time for you to be practical, too. Purchase those items on your son's list that you can afford. Give him space to enjoy them. Separately, you can let your son know that you were unable to get him his big-ticket request at this time. He is sure to understand.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently graduated from college and have grown frustrated in my job search. There will be an industry job fair in my city soon. What advice can you offer when networking with potential employers? -- Educated and Seeking Employment, Baltimore

DEAR EDUCATED AND SEEKING EMPLOYMENT: I fully understand the excitement that a recent college graduate feels about starting his or her life and also the frustration that can easily come when the dream takes a long time to manifest. For starters, I want you to take a deep breath and remember that this is the beginning of your professional life. For almost everyone, it takes longer than expected to hit benchmarks. This does not mean that you are a failure or that you are unemployable. It means you have to have patience.

When you go to the job fair, be sure that you are armed with a positive attitude and focus about what you want to do with your life and what steps it may take to get there. Also, make sure you have done your research. Find out which companies will be there and look them up so that you have a good idea of which ones may be a good fit for you. When you speak to the recruiters, be sure to sprinkle information in your conversation about what you know about their company. Asking informed questions will show the recruiter that you are serious about this engagement and committed to building your life.

Be crystal clear about your skill set, your enthusiasm to learn and your ability to start work right away. Ask intelligent questions that show your knowledge and interest in the company in question. And make sure you look the part. Dress professionally. Make eye contact. Offer a firm and confident handshake. Show your value. Believe you deserve to find a job. Go for it!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to go to a holiday dance with a guy I really like from my college. I want to go, but I feel like an idiot because I never learned how to dance. My parents were very strict, and they never allowed us to listen to secular music. Dancing was out of the question. I am not as strict as they are, but now I am clueless when it comes to dancing.

I like this guy. He seems very reserved, kind of like how I grew up. He definitely is respectful. I don't want to run him off when he realizes I am so backward. Should I tell him I don't know how to dance? I don't know how to fake it, and I don't know anybody to ask to teach me, either. -- Two Left Feet, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TWO LEFT FEET: It is good that you are drumming up the courage to go to the dance with this young man. Trust that you will not be the only one who doesn't know how to dance! Still, that doesn't mean that you should go without some preparation.

Look online for dancing instruction. You can find tutorials that will help you to learn how to move your body with simple steps. If you think your date could be game, you could tell him that you are excited to go to the dance but that you would love to do some practicing. It would be easier for you to talk to this young man about your background and your need to learn the basics of dancing before you are standing in front of each other on the dance floor at the event. Tell him you have something you want to discuss with him. Then go for it. Ask him to give you a lesson or two. If he says he doesn't know how to dance either, that's all the better. Ask him if you two can muddle through it a time or two before the dance. This may strengthen your friendship. It certainly should help you to feel more at ease on the big night.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I completely disagree on how we should take care of our home. We both have full-time jobs along with part-time jobs, so we don't spend much time at home, due to our schedules. We work so much because we have two children, and it is expensive to care for them and pay the mortgage and car notes, etc. Anyhow, I want to hire a housekeeper to help keep us in order. By the time I get home from work, I do not have enough energy to thoroughly clean, and my husband chooses not to do anything, so our house is dirty. He thinks it should be my job because I'm the wife. Both of us are working, and I just don't have the time to do a good job. How can I get him to reconsider? -- Dirty House, Detroit

DEAR DIRTY HOUSE: Explain to your husband that the conventional role of a woman being responsible for cleaning the house doesn't work in a household where both spouses work double-time. Either the two of you have to work together to get your house in order, or he has to concede that you need and deserve outside help to keep it together.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)