Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A group of friends has invited me to hang out with them on New Year's Eve. They plan to go to Times Square and hang out while the ball drops. I like them, but I hate that idea. I used to party around New Year's, and I went to Times Square a few times in my 20s. This will be my friends' first time in the city, and I know how much it will mean to them if I take them to see the ball drop. I like the idea of being alone and thinking about my life. I am afraid to tell them I may not go with them. They may call me corny or even a party pooper. How should I address this? -- No Times Square for Me, Bronx, New York

DEAR NO TIMES SQUARE FOR ME: Typically, tourists are the people who flock to Times Square on New Year's Eve. Yes, it can be exciting. But as you know, it is extremely crowded, usually cold and super intense. You do not have to join your friends in Times Square on New Year's Eve.

I recommend that you manage their expectations by letting them know upfront what your plans are as you talk to them about theirs. Be honest about your intentions for bringing in 2015. Many people, by the way, make the choice to be reflective and still as one year transitions into the next. You do not need to apologize about that. Instead, be willing to help them find out details about the Times Square festivities. You may even want to take them there and show them the subway stops and the lay of the land in general, and then leave. You can be a good host without participating in every activity with them. If you would like, you may want to invite them to join you for a toast and a meal before they head out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am signed up to go to a lovely luncheon with an exclusive group of women in my town. I have been looking forward to this for weeks. I cannot go now, though, because I have come down with a GI problem; basically I can't eat and am very uncomfortable. I need to tell the organizers that I will be unable to attend. If possible, I would like to get my money back as well. But most of all, I want to back out gracefully. How do I do that without telling them the details of my illness? -- Cannot Go, Chicago

DEAR CANNOT GO: If you have enough time, write a note to the organizers saying how much you have been looking forward to this luncheon but unfortunately you cannot attend because you are under the weather. You do not need to go into details about what's wrong. You can express your hope that they are able to sell your ticket to someone else and ask if you could be reimbursed.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My company is going to have its annual Secret Santa gift exchange party in a few days, and I drew the name of a co-worker I really do not know. The rule for our Secret Santa is that we cannot spend over $30. I am not too sure what I should buy for someone I do not know. Do you have any suggestions on what kind of gift I should I purchase? -- Gift Exchange, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR GIFT EXCHANGE: Can you stealthily find out anything about this person? Go to his or her work area and look around. What do you see? Lots of photos? Consider a picture frame. A stack of DVDS? A gift certificate to a local movie theater. A pile of shoes under the desk? A small double-row shoe rack that can fit neatly under there.

The point is to take a little time to learn something about the person. What people appreciate the most is being seen and honored for who they are. You can do that through the powers of observation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I recently had a baby. We are so excited. We have always gone to visit my husband's family at this time of year. As new parents, we do not want to travel for Christmas. My in-laws live about five hours away by car. I want to invite them to come to dinner at our house for the holiday and spend a few days with us instead. Whether they agree or not, I really do not want to make that long drive with a newborn in the car. How can I suggest this without hurting my mother-in-law's feelings? -- Time for a New Tradition, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TIME FOR A NEW TRADITION: Short term, you have the reality of your newborn baby as a reason to invite your in-laws to travel to visit you. It is more convenient for you to stay put. Call your in-laws and invite them to come to your home so that they can be with you and the baby, and you can feel comfortable as you learn to tend to your newborn.

Long term, you must think about your family traditions and whether now is the time to consider changing them. Perhaps you would like to start hosting one of the holiday celebrations. Think about what you would like to propose. Talk it over with your husband, and present your ideas to your family members during this holiday season. You may want to consider a bridge, where you host Christmas one year and they host it the next. Over time, you may want to alternate the holidays and have them host Thanksgiving and you host Christmas. In this way, Santa can come directly to your house! Your growing family will thank you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has always been practical when it comes to asking for things for Christmas. He has never asked for extravagant gifts, and my husband and I do our best to get whatever he requests. This year, he once again hasn't asked for much, but what he wants is pricey. He has four items on his list. The main one is above our budget. We have been talking about it. Since our son is frugal, we want to get it. But if we get that one item, that will be it. Should we get him a few little things or splurge on the one big item on his list? -- What to Do, Washington, D.C.

DEAR WHAT TO DO: As you assess your finances, figure out if the one item is possible for you to get at this time. If you can do it without hurting your overall budget, go for it. If it is out of reach, it is time for you to be practical, too. Purchase those items on your son's list that you can afford. Give him space to enjoy them. Separately, you can let your son know that you were unable to get him his big-ticket request at this time. He is sure to understand.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently graduated from college and have grown frustrated in my job search. There will be an industry job fair in my city soon. What advice can you offer when networking with potential employers? -- Educated and Seeking Employment, Baltimore

DEAR EDUCATED AND SEEKING EMPLOYMENT: I fully understand the excitement that a recent college graduate feels about starting his or her life and also the frustration that can easily come when the dream takes a long time to manifest. For starters, I want you to take a deep breath and remember that this is the beginning of your professional life. For almost everyone, it takes longer than expected to hit benchmarks. This does not mean that you are a failure or that you are unemployable. It means you have to have patience.

When you go to the job fair, be sure that you are armed with a positive attitude and focus about what you want to do with your life and what steps it may take to get there. Also, make sure you have done your research. Find out which companies will be there and look them up so that you have a good idea of which ones may be a good fit for you. When you speak to the recruiters, be sure to sprinkle information in your conversation about what you know about their company. Asking informed questions will show the recruiter that you are serious about this engagement and committed to building your life.

Be crystal clear about your skill set, your enthusiasm to learn and your ability to start work right away. Ask intelligent questions that show your knowledge and interest in the company in question. And make sure you look the part. Dress professionally. Make eye contact. Offer a firm and confident handshake. Show your value. Believe you deserve to find a job. Go for it!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)