Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 11-year-old is still a firm Santa lover and believer. Her friends at school, however, deride her for her beliefs. What's interesting is that she doesn't seem to care much what they have to say. She says she knows who the real Santa is -- a man who is different from the mall Santas and others you see in movies and such. I really like that even as she is growing up, she appreciates the magic of Santa. What can I do to support her without babying her? -- Santa Love, Detroit

DEAR SANTA LOVE: Follow your daughter's lead. Know that there are adults who live their entire lives treasuring their thoughts of Santa Claus. Even some people who do not have children spend a tremendous amount of time and money on this season. It can be a time of great joy and camaraderie for individuals and communities.

Rather than worrying about your daughter, who does not seem to be worrying herself, support her in her beliefs. At her age, she should know that gifts come from a variety of sources, including parents, relatives and friends -- as well as Santa. Make sure that you emphasize the range of gifting that she may receive. You should also encourage her to give to those in need as she welcomes gifts of her own.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son has had a best friend in school since he was in kindergarten. Last year, however, this friend started treating my son poorly. It didn't get as far as bullying, but he definitely wasn't nice. He started hanging out with a group of athletes. (My son is more of a geek.) And this athlete group has not wanted to hang out with my son at all. Honestly, it has seemed more like the cattiness that girls sometimes have more than boys. But this is how it is. He still loves his friend and wants him in his life. They are both 8 years old. How can I protect my son? -- Almost Bullied, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR ALMOST BULLIED: The best thing you can do for your son is to get him involved in activities that appeal to his senses. You say he is a geek. How would he define that in terms of his interests? Does he like to read? Play chess? Do experiments? Whatever strikes his interests should be your focus. Sign him up for after-school and weekend classes.

Your goal is to occupy his time and attention with the things that make him happy. In this way, he will be less reliant on the friend in question because he won't have time to hang out with this one child too frequently.

As it relates to the negative commentary that may come from this boy and his friends, your son can tell his friend directly that he does not appreciate the way he is being treated and thought that they were better friends than that. He can tell the boy that if he continues to be mean to him, they can no longer be friends. Your son can also report the boy's behavior to the principal.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is in the middle of an ugly divorce. She has been telling me the details, and it just sounds horrible. I try to be a good listener, which is hard because the stories are just so awful, but I don't know what else to do. She has an attorney, and they are going through the trial right now. I want to do something special for my friend, but I can't figure out what in the world that could be. Meanwhile, I am a little exhausted from listening to her go on and on about everything. What can I do? -- In the Middle, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Being a good listener is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone who is in turmoil, but you do have to look out for yourself at the same time. If your friend likes to be pampered, perhaps you can give her a gift certificate for a massage. That is a very relaxing activity that can help her to be still for a while.

You can also decide that you are not on call for your friend. You can let her calls go to voicemail when it gets to be too much. You can tell her that you are going through your own stuff right now and need some space. You can also recommend to her that she consider getting a psychologist who can help her navigate this tough period. As a friend, you can only do so much. You should not consider yourself a failure if you cannot be there for every moment of her journey.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into one of my husband's good friends, and we had a long chat. During the time that we talked, I realized that she has an inside seat to the details of my life. She knew all kinds of things about my marriage, particularly the issues that my husband and I have been going through recently. I was taken aback when I heard her mention some of the absolute worst things about our relationship that I have told no one. I am upset that my husband would have told her so much. How should I address this with him? I am afraid that he will be mad at me and say he has the right to talk to whomever he wants to. I would prefer for us to talk to each other. -- Create a Dialogue, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR CREATE A DIALOGUE: Invite your husband to sit down and talk to you. Acknowledge that you two have been going through a rough period. Ask him how he is feeling about your life together. Do your best to get him to open up about your challenges.

Rather than accusing him of sharing your secrets, get him to talk to you. You can tell him how you feel about the issues at hand and what you hope the future looks like. To get him to talk is to create a feeling of a safe space between you, one that is free of accusations or blame. If you can get to that place, use it as a springboard to work on your marriage. When you are on solid footing, you can then suggest to your husband that you both choose to keep the intimate details of your marriage to yourselves.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 12-year-old African-American son who has what looks like an arsenal of toy guns. From Nerf guns to BB guns to videogames featuring weapons, he and his friends are always playing around with guns. This is really no different from the kids I grew up with, but now I am scared to death.

I've been watching the news with all of the police killings of black men, including Tamir Rice, the 12-year-old Cleveland boy who had a toy gun. Now I want to take all of my son's toy guns away. Then again, I think that's hardly going to make him safe.

As people have been protesting these past couple of weeks, I feel pretty hopeless. I want to protect my son but not make him afraid in the process. What should I tell him to keep him safe? -- Scared Mom, Cincinnati

DEAR SCARED MOM: You should be afraid. We are living through a dark period in history right now. Perhaps the light is showing itself in the protests that have prompted the national government led by President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder to say that we must look at questions of police killings of unarmed people in a new way. Because of the groundswell of protest and the reality of video that has revealed many questionable engagements between civilians and law enforcement officers, we are being forced to look more closely at issues of fairness and legality.

As a mom, you can and should discuss with your son what is happening. Though it is scary, he should know what's happening in his world. He should be clear about how to react if the police ever stop him. You must teach him to remain calm, never run and always follow directions.

As far as toy guns go, I most certainly would toss them all. I would go one step further and not allow him to play with guns under any circumstances, including with his friends. The stakes are too high.

I also highly recommend that you talk to your son about current events including the various deaths of African-American males by police officers and the reactions to these deaths. This is where your perspective is key. Be sure to process your thoughts and feelings so that you can be clear when you communicate with him. Talk about ways to be empowered, including participating in peaceful protests, either personally or by donation. The two of you can also write to the Department of Justice expressing your concerns. This is a time to become politically active, to stand up for what you believe. Proceed with caution and with the conscious articulation to your son that you want him to live a happy, safe and long life. Sometimes in order to get to that, you have to take a stand.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)