Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: The creepiest thing just happened to me. I received a friend request on Facebook, and I accepted because the person is friends with someone I know and respect. Almost immediately, the person direct messaged me with light chitchat. Quickly it turned into this man saying that he had won a big prize that Mark Zuckerberg had created to give back to the community, and I was on the list to get the prize, too. Yeah, right! I challenged him on this, and he was very convincing that this was like a lottery of sorts and randomly someone would win. I then looked to see who else is friends with this person. Turns out, my friend is the only other person I know who is his friend. I pushed back and eventually unfriended and blocked him.

The next day, I went to show someone this guy's page, and a real Facebook page came up. I realize that at least for a period of time, somebody stole this guy's identity. How weird is that? I reported it to Facebook, but I wonder if I should tell this guy, too. -- Identity Theft, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR IDENTITY THEFT: It can be totally unnerving when someone tries to scam you for starters and does so by stealing someone else's identity. We must all be vigilant about protecting ourselves. This includes making smart choices about whom we engage with person and virtually.

I recommend that you direct message the person in question to tell him what happened to you. He may have no idea that his identity was compromised. You should also ask Facebook to tell you if there is a way to prevent such a thing from happening in the future. The company definitely has a fraud division. Now is the time to make it clear that there continue to be unsavory characters out there who must be stopped.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have twin sons who have very different interests. Their birthday is coming up, and they have asked if they can have two separate parties. One is a nerdy type of boy. The other is a sports fanatic. Naturally, their friends fall into their respective areas of interest. I respect that my boys are different and want to do what they have asked. My concern is if I will be able to keep it up. One party is expensive already. To plan two is something we can swing this year, but I am worried about setting a precedent that I can't keep up. The boys are 12. How should I handle this? -- Twin Fete, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TWIN FETE: Be honest with your boys. Work with them to plan their two parties. Do your best to make them manageable this year, meaning not too many guests and modest in scope. Talk to your boys about how much things cost so that they can get a sense of perspective on what it takes to host a party. You can also tell them that you feel fortunate that you can host two parties this year, but this should not be considered the new plan.

For your own peace of mind, know that you can get creative with the types of parties you plan so that they do not have to be expensive. For example, a sporting party could occur on a public playground or field. Similarly, a visit to a museum or other such institution can be free or nominally priced.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! Children young and old await this special day for months on end. The promise of treats from loved ones, delicious food and good company warms our hearts. For those who are Christian, this holiday represents an even bigger promise -- that of the goodness and purity of God's love through the birth of Jesus Christ.

The arrival of this great day invokes all that is possible when you lead your life with love. What does that look like? I have learned that you must invoke love for yourself first. This starts with acceptance. When you look at yourself in the mirror, do you offer love and tenderness to yourself, or do you pass judgment? Do you trust that you will be able to navigate your life with grace and integrity? Do you believe that you are worthy of love and respect? If you do not already believe that you are a gift of God's love, begin to believe it. It will change your outlook about everything.

When you accept that you are a precious manifestation of God, it becomes possible for you to see the same in others. Look around you. Notice the people who are most important to you. Now choose to think of them as reflections of God's love. If you notice brittle feelings bubbling up as you remember something that makes you irritable or uncomfortable about someone in your life, do your best to replace those feelings with acceptance. Look at the person again and remind yourself that this person is doing the best he or she can do at this moment. You can support the person simply by choosing to see him or her with softer eyes. Let go of your judgmental feelings and memories of wrongs from the past. Instead, be in the moment and be fully with that person in the here and now. Pay attention to what the person is saying or doing. Resist the temptation to call the person out for mistakes. Choose to be supportive. Decide that your intention will be uplifting rather than degrading. Make this a conscious exercise throughout your day.

You will find that it will be much easier to be with others, stay grounded in your sense of self and maintain your energy. When you practice being a conscious observer throughout your day, it becomes almost effortless to notice when to talk, when and how to react, and, best of all, how to enjoy the moment. Believe it or not, when you decide to live love -- to guide your thoughts, words and deeds by your awareness of love within yourself and in others, you will remain energized and at ease.

I believe this is the most precious gift of this holiday season -- tapping into the love inside you and sharing that with whoever crosses your path. Do not mistake this engagement of love with romance. It is actually more profound than that. The love I am talking about represents the connection between your heart and that of others. When you lead your life using the awareness of love as your lens for seeing everything before you, you open the door for true happiness for yourself and for those who cross your path.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I didn't get everyone in my church group a present for Christmas. I simply couldn't afford it, nor do I really think I need to give a group of adults more stuff. I decided to write cards for each of them. I bought holiday cards and wrote a special note for each person. Do you think that this is sufficient? I figured that a personalized sentiment would count for something. I hope it doesn't make me seem cheap. -- The Thought that Counts, Dallas

DEAR THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS: I love your idea. I do not believe that people should spend exorbitant amounts of money for holiday gifts. I think it is wonderful to acknowledge people whom you love. Sharing personal messages is a perfect way of doing that.

As a child, it was my job to address the envelopes for my aunt, who sent holiday cards to all of her friends and relatives. It was delightful to sit with her and listen to her tell stories of these people as she signed each card. Thank you for invoking that memory for me! I trust that others will consider sending cards to their loved ones as well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been interviewing job applicants recently, and I keep running into the same problem. Even some college graduates have a terribly difficult time with grammar. When they are talking to me, I hear all kinds of grammatical errors. It's the same with the emails that they send to me. A few of them even misspelled my name in correspondence to me. At first, I thought it was just that a few people may not be up on their basic skills. But I think I have interviewed about 10 people, all with very good educations. I feel like I should do more than just not hire them. I feel the inclination to tell them why I am not hiring them, but I'm not sure if that will go over well. I think I would want to know why I was being passed over for a job. What do you think? Should I say something, or just let it go? -- Wanting to Help, Detroit

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: I'm sad to say that I have had the same experience too many times to count. Years ago, I decided that when I interview someone whom I do not hire that I always share at least the highlights as to why I chose not to hire him or her. If you make that choice, be sure to think carefully about how you want to word your critique. Be mindful not to be harsh. Attempt to share your feedback constructively. When addressing grammar, you can point out that the way that one speaks or writes is critical to his or her success. In this day and age, everyone has to write. Whether it is a formal letter or an email, one should use correct grammar in all written communications. The same is true with verbal communication. Explain that whomever you choose to work with you must represent you well. This means that the person must be proficient with language skills. Recommend that they pay closer attention to their communication abilities and take a class or read grammar books so that they can improve.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)