Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger cousin confided something shocking to me. While I was explaining my various exercise equipment, she said that she knew what ankle weights are because her mom makes her run with them on her ankles and wrists. My cousin is 9 years old and incredibly thin. I cannot believe this happens to my cousin, and she looked so upset as she was telling me. I didn't know how to respond, and we dropped the topic. This child wouldn't lie, but I haven't spoken to my aunt in years. I'm not sure how to react to this news. I do not want my aunt to make my cousin do this, but I also can't tell someone I haven't spoken to in years how to raise her daughter. What should I do? -- Poor Cousin, Dallas

DEAR POOR COUSIN: If you believe your cousin is in danger, say something. Since she expressed distress to you, there is a chance that she needs support. Given that you haven't spoken to your aunt in years, you will need to ease into communication with her. Call her or visit if you can, and let her know that you enjoyed spending time with her daughter. Build a rapport, and then tell her that her daughter told you about her exercise routine. Get her to talk to you about the routine that they follow. Tell her about your fitness regimen to open up the discussion. When you think she is hearing you, let her know that you think that weights on a young, thin child might be excessive. Stay in touch with your cousin. If you continue to be worried, ask another family member to intervene.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met my boyfriend's mother recently. The first interaction between us after introductions was her asking me what my major was. After I replied art history, she gave me a surly glance and said, "Good luck with that." I cannot believe how rude she was to me. I'd been seeing her son for months; he felt confident enough to bring me home, and his mother acted like a total snob toward me! She apparently thinks of art history as a lowly major, and she's also never worked a day in her life. I spent the rest of my time avoiding her because I have decided I deserve an apology for that, or I will not be in her presence willingly. I could never call his mother out for being a snob, but I might be able to talk to her about how I will be a historian and feel as though this is a respectable profession. Is it too soon to be confronting my boyfriend's mother? I do not want my major to become a running joke. He works in business now, and I plan on working as soon as I graduate college. -- All Careers, Rochester, New York

DEAR ALL CAREERS: Talk to your boyfriend about what happened, and get his perspective. Yes, it was rude of his mother to dismiss your major, but do not expect an apology. Let go of your anger. If you think you and your boyfriend have a future, you will need to create a relationship with his mother. You can start by talking to her about your dreams and plans for the future. Educate her rather than avoiding her.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend's family always surprises each other with the gifts they give each other for birthdays and holidays. This is a complete 180-degree switch from my family, who is very transparent in saying what we want and then getting those gifts from one another. After discussing this with my boyfriend, I realized that I wouldn't just be able to ask him what he wants for Christmas and get him this gift. He thinks my family sucked all of the fun and surprise out of the holidays, while I think leaving mystery in gift-giving leaves room for unwanted presents. I am OK with him surprising me with presents, but I want him to like the presents I get him. I feel like gift-giving is more difficult for men, and he doesn't want to give me any suggestions because he wants to be surprised. There must be a compromise somewhere, right? -- Gift Gamble, Westchester, New York

DEAR GIFT GAMBLE: Consider this a fun challenge. Pay closer attention to what your boyfriend likes. Notice the games he plays, the gadgets he admires, what he enjoys doing. What are his quirks? He is right that if you can discover something about him that would bring him joy, it would be a welcome surprise. Rather than considering this a burden, think of it as a game of getting to know him better. Your gift could be tickets to a ballgame or a concert or the latest music from his favorite band. Get creative -- it can be fun!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday and Christmas are a few days apart, and I always feel like my birthday, which is before Christmas, comes off as a burden to my family. I hate combined presents, and I feel like my birthday may as well not be acknowledged if it will be that much of an afterthought for everyone. I am always on the fence of wanting two gifts and seeming greedy. My sister's birthday is in July, and she has never had to deal with combined presents, whereas I've been given combined presents for most of my life. I did not ask to be born at such an inconvenient time, but I would like to be celebrated at least every few years. It seems like I cannot make anyone have time to celebrate my birthday, or give me a card or present. There are some days where I don't even care about the material items and just want my family to admit that they don't care about my birthday because of its proximity to Christmas. When I voice these thoughts to my family, they don't know what to say. Once my mom said that we're in the same situation because her birthday is a week after Valentine's Day. It's not even similar! Is it time to stop including them in birthday plans and make my own? I hate feeling like an afterthought each year. -- Forgotten Christmas Baby, Buffalo, New York

DEAR FORGOTTEN CHRISTMAS BABY: Yes, you should make your own fun. Create a small celebration that you invite your friends and family to attend. Presents should not be as important as their presence. Take control of your celebration. Do not guilt them afterwards. Just enjoy it!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My building has a laundry room in the basement for all of the residents to use. The machines are free, so many people want to use the six we have. I was having a debate with my neighbor the other day. I believe that if someone has not come to take out their clothing when it is done in the washers or dryers, I have the right to take it out and use them. My neighbor believes it's common courtesy to wait for the person to take his own belongings out. People have left their clothes in the machines for hours! I think setting a timer and being ready to take out your clothes is the best thing you can do to keep the laundry system moving. My neighbor thinks it's rude of me to take out someone's clothing if they're not there to pick it up. Who is right? -- Clean Laundry, Queens, New York

DEAR CLEAN LAUNDRY: It is rude and selfish for neighbors to leave their laundry in the machines for hours, and of course you should not have wait for them to remove their belongings before you use the common machines. That said, it is best for you to contact your building management and ask them to make a policy that they post rather than taking on your neighbors firsthand.

Often the rule is a grace period of one hour or less. After that, your belongings go in a communal bin on the table or somewhere else. If this happens enough, people will get the message.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Upon driving past my neighbor's house, I noticed they had put up their holiday decorations. I admire their commitment to decorating their house so festively. The problem is that the decorations are quite ... phallic. These neighbors are elderly and have set up north poles on their front yard and have unfortunately placed two oversized ornaments in front of the candy-striped poles. The decorations are incredibly beautiful, just positioned in an unfortunate way. I would offer to rearrange them, but I do not even know how to broach this topic without seeming like a pervert. Twinkling holiday lights can be added and the ornaments can be moved around. I told myself I'd wait until the first snow to offer to shovel their lawn and slyly rearrange their decorations. I do not want them to be the pity -- or laughingstocks -- of the town. Should I just tell them how it looks and offer to rearrange it? -- Change It Up, Reisterstown, Maryland

DEAR CHANGE IT UP: If the decorations are truly, obviously, phallic looking, the kindest thing you can do is to tell your neighbors. Surely they do not realize it. Maybe you can take a picture of their arrangement and then go by and visit and show them. Gently suggest that you would be happy to adjust the designs a bit to make them more PC. If they brush it off, so be it. But at least you will have made an honest effort.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)