Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, one of my co-workers was fired, and I'm finding it hard to keep going to work. He was my confidant, someone with whom I could complain about our supervisors, and a huge part of the reason I loved work. Now that he is gone, I don't know what to do. I can't follow him around in life, but I need to find something I love about work to keep me going. I lost my work sidekick, and without him, work is incredibly drab. How can I boost my spirits with this work environment shift? -- Man Down, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR MAN DOWN: It is time for you to focus on yourself and your goals. What do you want to get out of work? Can you figure out a path to getting a raise or otherwise improving the quality of your work? If you can come up with a plan for improving yourself, it may take the edge off of losing your friend.

On another note, you can decide to do good. During this season of giving, can you suggest a charitable activity that your company may want to adopt? By zooming in on others who are in need and figuring out ways to support them, you will likely come in contact with new team members, or at lease engage them differently. This can lift your spirits as well as the spirits of those around you.

Finally, you can stay in touch with your friend and schedule periodic "dates" to get together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a great experience at a career convention recently. One of the speakers said that your career path experience shows you where you want to be. This truly resonated with me and helped me in directing my career. For any readers or letter writers, if you feel lost in your career path, I recommend going to a career convention and looking at your past experience to shape your future. I was a wreck with picking what I wanted to do, and now I feel as though I have direction. Just a note of encouragement to lost readers! -- New Job Horizons, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR NEW JOB HORIZONS: Thank you for sharing your good experience. As the year draws to an end, many people question what they are doing in their lives and if they are making the right decisions. You are absolutely right that a career conference can help you to figure out if there's something you should bone up on, if there is something else out there that you may not have considered and whether there are connections ready to be made to expand your pool of resources.

I strongly recommend networking -- when you are in a positive frame of mind. What you do not want to do is to go out into a business or social setting and complain about your shortcomings or doubts. Choose to be positive and to look for opportunity when you attend these functions. Resist moaning about what isn't working. Say what your hopes are. In this way, you can draw like-minded people to you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger cousin confided something shocking to me. While I was explaining my various exercise equipment, she said that she knew what ankle weights are because her mom makes her run with them on her ankles and wrists. My cousin is 9 years old and incredibly thin. I cannot believe this happens to my cousin, and she looked so upset as she was telling me. I didn't know how to respond, and we dropped the topic. This child wouldn't lie, but I haven't spoken to my aunt in years. I'm not sure how to react to this news. I do not want my aunt to make my cousin do this, but I also can't tell someone I haven't spoken to in years how to raise her daughter. What should I do? -- Poor Cousin, Dallas

DEAR POOR COUSIN: If you believe your cousin is in danger, say something. Since she expressed distress to you, there is a chance that she needs support. Given that you haven't spoken to your aunt in years, you will need to ease into communication with her. Call her or visit if you can, and let her know that you enjoyed spending time with her daughter. Build a rapport, and then tell her that her daughter told you about her exercise routine. Get her to talk to you about the routine that they follow. Tell her about your fitness regimen to open up the discussion. When you think she is hearing you, let her know that you think that weights on a young, thin child might be excessive. Stay in touch with your cousin. If you continue to be worried, ask another family member to intervene.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met my boyfriend's mother recently. The first interaction between us after introductions was her asking me what my major was. After I replied art history, she gave me a surly glance and said, "Good luck with that." I cannot believe how rude she was to me. I'd been seeing her son for months; he felt confident enough to bring me home, and his mother acted like a total snob toward me! She apparently thinks of art history as a lowly major, and she's also never worked a day in her life. I spent the rest of my time avoiding her because I have decided I deserve an apology for that, or I will not be in her presence willingly. I could never call his mother out for being a snob, but I might be able to talk to her about how I will be a historian and feel as though this is a respectable profession. Is it too soon to be confronting my boyfriend's mother? I do not want my major to become a running joke. He works in business now, and I plan on working as soon as I graduate college. -- All Careers, Rochester, New York

DEAR ALL CAREERS: Talk to your boyfriend about what happened, and get his perspective. Yes, it was rude of his mother to dismiss your major, but do not expect an apology. Let go of your anger. If you think you and your boyfriend have a future, you will need to create a relationship with his mother. You can start by talking to her about your dreams and plans for the future. Educate her rather than avoiding her.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend's family always surprises each other with the gifts they give each other for birthdays and holidays. This is a complete 180-degree switch from my family, who is very transparent in saying what we want and then getting those gifts from one another. After discussing this with my boyfriend, I realized that I wouldn't just be able to ask him what he wants for Christmas and get him this gift. He thinks my family sucked all of the fun and surprise out of the holidays, while I think leaving mystery in gift-giving leaves room for unwanted presents. I am OK with him surprising me with presents, but I want him to like the presents I get him. I feel like gift-giving is more difficult for men, and he doesn't want to give me any suggestions because he wants to be surprised. There must be a compromise somewhere, right? -- Gift Gamble, Westchester, New York

DEAR GIFT GAMBLE: Consider this a fun challenge. Pay closer attention to what your boyfriend likes. Notice the games he plays, the gadgets he admires, what he enjoys doing. What are his quirks? He is right that if you can discover something about him that would bring him joy, it would be a welcome surprise. Rather than considering this a burden, think of it as a game of getting to know him better. Your gift could be tickets to a ballgame or a concert or the latest music from his favorite band. Get creative -- it can be fun!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday and Christmas are a few days apart, and I always feel like my birthday, which is before Christmas, comes off as a burden to my family. I hate combined presents, and I feel like my birthday may as well not be acknowledged if it will be that much of an afterthought for everyone. I am always on the fence of wanting two gifts and seeming greedy. My sister's birthday is in July, and she has never had to deal with combined presents, whereas I've been given combined presents for most of my life. I did not ask to be born at such an inconvenient time, but I would like to be celebrated at least every few years. It seems like I cannot make anyone have time to celebrate my birthday, or give me a card or present. There are some days where I don't even care about the material items and just want my family to admit that they don't care about my birthday because of its proximity to Christmas. When I voice these thoughts to my family, they don't know what to say. Once my mom said that we're in the same situation because her birthday is a week after Valentine's Day. It's not even similar! Is it time to stop including them in birthday plans and make my own? I hate feeling like an afterthought each year. -- Forgotten Christmas Baby, Buffalo, New York

DEAR FORGOTTEN CHRISTMAS BABY: Yes, you should make your own fun. Create a small celebration that you invite your friends and family to attend. Presents should not be as important as their presence. Take control of your celebration. Do not guilt them afterwards. Just enjoy it!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)