Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was ditched at a holiday party I was dragged to! My friend thought it'd be a great idea to take me to meet all of her friends ... and then she ditched me as soon as she saw all of her other friends. I tried staying in the group, I really did, but my friend did not even introduce me to anyone, and no one spoke to me. I tried making myself approachable by setting down my phone and standing alone by the kitchen counter. This failed as well. I tried introducing myself for a few more minutes, and then realized what a social flop I was. I know my only friend there didn't help me out at all, but I thought I could have been more socially adept. Any tips on how to work a room you don't know anyone in? -- Blooming Social Butterfly, Chicago

DEAR BLOOMING SOCIAL BUTTERFLY: I'm sorry that your friend was so rude. You should speak to her later about how uncomfortable you were. Since she invited you with the presumption of introducing you to her friends, she should have done so. It is OK for you to let her know that you are somewhat socially awkward, and it was very difficult for you to be by yourself at that party.

What you can do in the future is to look around the room at a social function and notice anyone who seems to have a pleasant face or inviting demeanor. Then drum up the courage to walk over to that person and say hello. State your name, and ask the person's name. Say something about yourself that could be a conversation starter. It can be simple: "I'm new in town." "I'm a friend of X's." "I love the holidays. My favorite part is X." Just say something to get a conversation going. When it seems that the moment you started is over, move to another person. You can do it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have attracted an unpleasant holiday guest. We have known this woman, Agnes, for years. Agnes has never been in a relationship, never had children and spent her entire life working. She is in her 50s and does not bring any joy to our holidays. She does not have any contact with her family and does not have anyone to celebrate the holidays with if we don't invite her. After years of inviting her and listening to her lament about regrets and mistakes in her life, we would like to have total happiness in our Christmas celebration. Is there any tactical way to tell Agnes to stop depressing everyone, or should we see how a holiday is without her? -- Holiday Debbie Downer, Boston

DEAR HOLIDAY DEBBIE DOWNER: You do not have to invite Agnes to your celebration if you don't want to do so. Know that. If you feel like you cannot leave her out, by all means tell her that you want to invite her and that you want her to be happy. Have an honest conversation with her about the kinds of things she usually talks about and how it affects people. Ask her to choose to be positive, even if that means listening to others rather than bemoaning her life all night.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a group text for a few months now with my friends from college who are in different parts of the country. I used to think it was a fun way to keep checking in on each other -- until there were hundreds of messages each day from 10 women speaking to each other. I then turned the conversation on "Do Not Disturb," which means I do not get notifications anymore. I feel bad about not reading the group messages and missing something, but I can't devote 30 minutes each day to catching up on what everyone's said. This group text was originally supposed to be used sparingly, so if I made another group for important events, that would get bombarded with everyday happenings. I don't want to leave the group text, but I need to find some balance with this in my life. -- Too Many Messages, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TOO MANY MESSAGES: Be upfront with the folks in your group chat. Tell them on the chat that as much as you care about them, the volume of messages going back and forth is dizzying to you, so you have to step off. Tell them that if they need you, they should write to you directly. When you can, you will peruse the group chat, but it will be infrequent. If you need them, you will direct message them as well.

If they call you a party pooper, let them know you are sorry, but you have to do your job, and you just do not have time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have become friends with another couple. We all bonded, then, unfortunately, the couple broke up. This would usually mean that I'd see the ex-girlfriend separately and my boyfriend would see the ex-boyfriend separately. However, this couple is broken up but still "see" each other sometimes. The ex-girlfriend confided this to me and told me not to tell my boyfriend. This is starting to look like choosing sides. My boyfriend and I haven't spoken much about them since their breakup, but I know he's seen the ex-boyfriend. I don't want their spoiled relationship to infiltrate ours, but I still want to honor my friend's privacy. Is my bond with my boyfriend or my trustworthiness with my friend more important? I don't like keeping secrets from anyone, and I doubt my friend would ever find out I told my boyfriend "secrets" that he might even know! -- Stuck in the Middle, Detroit

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: It's likely that your boyfriend doesn't spend much time, if any, thinking about this former couple's relationship. Neither should you. If I were you, I wouldn't talk at all about what those two do. Rather than holding something back from your boyfriend, consider that you use your time together wisely and focus on the two of you as a couple and your goals and dreams, rather than the gossip of what others are doing.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Boyfriend's Food Etiquette Bugs Reader

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother always made sure I was taught proper dining etiquette from a young age. I am very thankful to her, and I feel confident in most dining situations. I have noticed my boyfriend commits one of the faux pas of dining etiquette; he cuts up all of his food before he starts to eat. I haven't mentioned it to him at the risk of seeming old-fashioned, but I do feel a little bit embarrassed for him when this behavior occurs when we're out to dinner. I do not expect us millennials to be uptight about etiquette, but nice manners always make a man more appealing. How can I broach this subject without becoming a preacher or, worse, a mother? I just want him to be the best he can be, but these dining habits are just hurting him. -- Cut As You Eat, New Haven, Connecticut

DEAR CUT AS YOU EAT: I say just tell him. You can broach the topic by admitting that you grew up in a household where you had to learn every single rule of the table. Admit that it may have been a tad annoying when you were young, but you appreciate today what you learned.

Tell your boyfriend that you don't want him to be mad at you, but you want to give him a tip you learned early on that seems to make a difference at the dinner table. Unless you are a kid and you need your mommy to cut up your food, you are supposed to cut off one -- or maybe two -- pieces of meat, veggies, whatever it is, and eat. As your moniker implies, cut as you go. If he poo-poos your suggestion, you can point out that, like it or not, the way that people eat is noticed. Why have a faux pas stand in the way of an otherwise awesome dining experience?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've recently become a vegan, and I was a vegetarian before that. I am planning on taking a vacation with my friends in January. We will be visiting Italy and Spain. I've been thinking about my dietary restrictions regarding this trip. I have read before that some cultures consider dietary restrictions (without medical cause) to be bad manners because of the culture's ingrained food history and traditions. Visiting countries with notoriously delicious food and not being able to eat most of it is causing me to be on the fence about veganism. I do not think these countries are as understanding of veganism. Should I break my convictions for a trip? I feel as though food is an important part of the culture, and I am not sure if I'd even be able to eat at any restaurants without the use of butter, other dairy and eggs. -- Vegan Vacation, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR VEGAN VACATION: You must assess why you are vegan. If you are considering breaking your rules for a trip, it may be that you are OK with being flexible about your eating habits. That could be fine, but you must know that adding items to your diet that you haven't consumed for a long time could be hard to digest.

Do your research. Figure out what you think you can and cannot eat. Bring dry foods to tide you over. While you do not have to push veganism on your trip, you may be able to find "clean" foods that do not use some of the ingredients that you currently avoid.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)