Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last summer, I ended up working at a fast food chain while my other friends were at internships or high-paying nannying jobs. The entire summer was pretty embarrassing for me, because I guess I dropped the ball regarding timing to find an internship or other job. My boss was kind and my co-workers were all right, but I cannot get stuck working at a fast food chain again this summer. Most of my friends had interviews lined up for themselves in early May, when I had just started looking for opportunities. I felt bad for myself all summer, but I saved up some money and now I know to start looking for an internship or job earlier. I don't know how or when to start emailing, applying or calling. I'd feel embarrassed to ask my friends because it'll show how behind I am, but my parents don't know much about this process either! I can't work frying food for another summer. How can I find information on how to get an internship or job without embarrassing myself? -- No More Frying, Boston

DEAR NO MORE FRYING: Start at your school. Speak to your guidance counselor or a favorite teacher, and ask if there are any internship opportunities available through the school. Think about your interests, and ask about job options in any of those areas. If you don't get any leads that way, look in your neighborhood. What businesses do work that you find compelling? Ask if you can volunteer there. Many times, an unpaid internship can turn into a great job. Finally, go ahead and ask your friends. Admit that you don't understand the process. Ask if anyone can walk you through the steps. Chances are, one of your friends will show some kindness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me. My suspicions started when I saw food wrappers in her car from places she normally does not eat. When I brought this up, she laughed and said she just went there alone. There's no way of me knowing how much food there was, but I feel as though it was so out of character for her. I suggested we go to these restaurants together, but my girlfriend said she preferred to go alone. These seem like lies! I want to confront her about this, and I want her to be honest about who she's been to these restaurants with. What should I say to her? -- Suspicious Eating, Dallas

DEAR SUSPICIOUS EATING: Come clean with your girlfriend. Tell her that your gut is telling you that something is not right in your relationship. Admit that you are concerned about the health of your bond and that, even though she denies it, you believe she is cheating. This is an inflammatory statement, and it will likely ignite a strong reaction.

Keep pressing your girlfriend to be honest with you. Ask her if she still wants to be in this relationship. Tell her you do not feel comfortable with this uneasy feeling, and if she cares about you, you need to have an honest conversation about what's going on.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother was in her mid-to-late 40s when she had me. This age is a little older than some of my friends' mothers, while much older than others. When I was in school, it'd be a topic of comparison, but now that I am an adult, age doesn't get mentioned much. My mother is now facing health issues associated with old age, and if I ever discuss this, everyone assumes our mothers are the same age and lament about how she's too young to be going through something like arthritis or hypertension. I change the subject whenever people express their sympathy about her health issues. I never know what to say, because although she is older, it isn't always a justification for the health problems she is facing. Would it be rude of me to tell people that my mother is older than they're probably expecting? I am not sure if it would be disrespectful to my mother. -- Hush-Hush About Age, Salt Lake City

DEAR HUSH-HUSH ABOUT AGE: Rather than revealing your mother's age, you may want to stop talking about her ailments. Unless she has told you it's OK to go into detail about her health -- or she tells them herself -- it is not your place to tell your friends about your mother's ailments. That is her personal business. Instead, you can be generic in your responses.

You are right that people suffer various illnesses at different stages in life, and also based on their own personal health. There may be younger people suffering in a number of ways as well. When it comes to health issues, I consider them private and personal. If the person experiencing them chooses to share, that's fine. Otherwise, keep your mother's health matters to yourself. When asked how is she doing, choose something positive to share, and leave it at that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My kids are all moved out of the nest. I am in my 50s now, and I don't think my children respect that the house is now my private space. They do not have the keys to the house anymore, to my knowledge, but I will come home to find them and my grandkids playing in my backyard or using the open back entrance to come inside my home. I received an email from my eldest daughter saying she will be throwing a birthday party on my property soon! I love all of my babies, but they all have their own places now. I do not want to scare them away from my home, but I want them to respect that although they used to live here, this is now my private space. How can I ask everyone to respect my privacy without scaring them off? -- Boundary Lines, Birmingham, Alabama

DEAR BOUNDARY LINES: You have not made the rules clear to them. Tell your children that you love for them to visit -- but not without an invitation. Tell them you expect them to respect your property, which means not coming in without asking in advance, and certainly not planning a party without your blessing. Remind them that they have their own homes where they have free reign, but that freedom does not extend to yours.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: Merry Christmas! I want to take a moment to pause at this sacred time of year and offer my gratitude to all of you for your support and love this year and throughout the many years that I have been writing this column. I feel blessed to be connected to a national network of people who care about treating their family members, friends, co-workers, bosses, neighbors and even strangers with respect.

There is so much unrest in the world, and it is important for us to focus on being kind and thoughtful to others. During the holidays, a number of things can and do happen. People travel to be with family and loved ones. People enjoy rekindling relationships. And commonly, little moments of friction arise. They come out of corners that we may not have even noticed were there. Anything from jealousy to old frustrations to doubts and fears that linger in the recesses of our thoughts tend to emerge during what is supposed to be a time of great joy.

I want to ask all of us to hold onto the experience of joy and wonder as we navigate each day. When tough encounters come up, let's look for the goodness in them. When frustrations mount, let's access patience and compassion. When old behaviors threaten to consume us, let's remember that we are not living in the past, but are firmly rooted in the present.

We have the ability to direct our thoughts, words and steps. We have the responsibility to take care of ourselves and to treat our world and all who inhabit it with respect. I take that responsibility very seriously.

When I think about the atrocities that have been occurring on a daily basis in our neighborhoods and throughout our world, I shudder at the recognition that it is people just like us who have soured to the goodness of humankind who are acting out these horrific crimes. When I think again, I recognize that in the same way it is people like us -- indeed, it is we who can and must lead by example and bring the light into the dark corners. Through our own efforts to bring goodness into our day, we can inspire others to do the same. Having faith in each other and in the greatness that resides in all of us is part of being a member of a living, breathing, honorable society.

I believe that if we want our world to be safe and prosperous, we must see it through that lens and live with that goal in mind. In the spirit of Christ who lived as a beacon of God's love and vision for humankind, let us walk with dignity and respect. Whether you are Christian or practice any other religion, I invite you to recognize that a core message of this day's celebration is that we should all honor each other -- no matter our station in life. We are all God's children. And we all deserve to be loved. Let us claim love so fiercely that it becomes stronger than the negativity that is challenging us right now. We can do it! Indeed, we must. -- Harriette

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)