Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student about to go through sorority recruitment. There have been a few events where I can meet the members of Greek organizations. I have tried to attend these events alone, but one of my friends regards me as an "expert" and insists on going to every event with me. I am not an expert in any way! I just feel comfortable meeting new people. I would like to get to know new people without someone clinging to me, but I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive. I would like to do this alone. Should I be mad at my friend for not understanding that I am trying to meet people alone? I try to not talk about my schedule, but she constantly springs up whenever she sees me walking down the hall. Should I ask her to stop tagging along, or should I feel some sympathy for her during this hectic time? -- Recruitment Woes, Pittsburgh

DEAR RECRUITMENT WOES: Be upfront with your friend. Tell her you know she is excited and probably a little nervous about the recruitment process, because you are as well. Add that you want to go to these events solo. This is what makes you comfortable as you are figuring out your interests. While she wants to go together, just make it clear that you care about her, but you do not want her to be your plus-one on this adventure.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My adult son constantly invites my husband and me to come to his music performances. He is independent now, but he seems to have held onto the elementary notion of wanting his parents to come to his shows. We have just moved four hours away, so we could theoretically see a weekend show, but this requires the funds and willpower. We have watched him play the flute for over 20 years, and as parents, we are ecstatic that he seems to have found his passion in music. However, he pouts and stomps when we tell him that we will not be able to make a performance. I have not told my husband how my son responds when I say we cannot come, so my husband assumes our son is all right with this change. How do I come clean to everyone about my son's exhausting behavior? He is much closer to 30 than 20, and he needs to let his parents off the hook. -- No More Shows, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR NO MORE SHOWS: It's time for you to share the burden of this experience with your husband. Tell him about your son's strong reaction to your absence whenever that happens. Talk openly with your husband about how you can remain supportive of your son while also giving him and you the space for him to be independent. Creeping closer to 30 can be a daunting time for some. Yes, your son should be able to live his life independent of yours, but if you have always supported his pursuits, not showing up now, after you have moved, may feel like a blow to him. Your job is to remind him of how much you love him, even as you put your foot down and say you can't come every time. Sadly, you did not confront his tantrums effectively when he was a child. You have to do it now.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last summer, I ended up working at a fast food chain while my other friends were at internships or high-paying nannying jobs. The entire summer was pretty embarrassing for me, because I guess I dropped the ball regarding timing to find an internship or other job. My boss was kind and my co-workers were all right, but I cannot get stuck working at a fast food chain again this summer. Most of my friends had interviews lined up for themselves in early May, when I had just started looking for opportunities. I felt bad for myself all summer, but I saved up some money and now I know to start looking for an internship or job earlier. I don't know how or when to start emailing, applying or calling. I'd feel embarrassed to ask my friends because it'll show how behind I am, but my parents don't know much about this process either! I can't work frying food for another summer. How can I find information on how to get an internship or job without embarrassing myself? -- No More Frying, Boston

DEAR NO MORE FRYING: Start at your school. Speak to your guidance counselor or a favorite teacher, and ask if there are any internship opportunities available through the school. Think about your interests, and ask about job options in any of those areas. If you don't get any leads that way, look in your neighborhood. What businesses do work that you find compelling? Ask if you can volunteer there. Many times, an unpaid internship can turn into a great job. Finally, go ahead and ask your friends. Admit that you don't understand the process. Ask if anyone can walk you through the steps. Chances are, one of your friends will show some kindness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me. My suspicions started when I saw food wrappers in her car from places she normally does not eat. When I brought this up, she laughed and said she just went there alone. There's no way of me knowing how much food there was, but I feel as though it was so out of character for her. I suggested we go to these restaurants together, but my girlfriend said she preferred to go alone. These seem like lies! I want to confront her about this, and I want her to be honest about who she's been to these restaurants with. What should I say to her? -- Suspicious Eating, Dallas

DEAR SUSPICIOUS EATING: Come clean with your girlfriend. Tell her that your gut is telling you that something is not right in your relationship. Admit that you are concerned about the health of your bond and that, even though she denies it, you believe she is cheating. This is an inflammatory statement, and it will likely ignite a strong reaction.

Keep pressing your girlfriend to be honest with you. Ask her if she still wants to be in this relationship. Tell her you do not feel comfortable with this uneasy feeling, and if she cares about you, you need to have an honest conversation about what's going on.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother was in her mid-to-late 40s when she had me. This age is a little older than some of my friends' mothers, while much older than others. When I was in school, it'd be a topic of comparison, but now that I am an adult, age doesn't get mentioned much. My mother is now facing health issues associated with old age, and if I ever discuss this, everyone assumes our mothers are the same age and lament about how she's too young to be going through something like arthritis or hypertension. I change the subject whenever people express their sympathy about her health issues. I never know what to say, because although she is older, it isn't always a justification for the health problems she is facing. Would it be rude of me to tell people that my mother is older than they're probably expecting? I am not sure if it would be disrespectful to my mother. -- Hush-Hush About Age, Salt Lake City

DEAR HUSH-HUSH ABOUT AGE: Rather than revealing your mother's age, you may want to stop talking about her ailments. Unless she has told you it's OK to go into detail about her health -- or she tells them herself -- it is not your place to tell your friends about your mother's ailments. That is her personal business. Instead, you can be generic in your responses.

You are right that people suffer various illnesses at different stages in life, and also based on their own personal health. There may be younger people suffering in a number of ways as well. When it comes to health issues, I consider them private and personal. If the person experiencing them chooses to share, that's fine. Otherwise, keep your mother's health matters to yourself. When asked how is she doing, choose something positive to share, and leave it at that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My kids are all moved out of the nest. I am in my 50s now, and I don't think my children respect that the house is now my private space. They do not have the keys to the house anymore, to my knowledge, but I will come home to find them and my grandkids playing in my backyard or using the open back entrance to come inside my home. I received an email from my eldest daughter saying she will be throwing a birthday party on my property soon! I love all of my babies, but they all have their own places now. I do not want to scare them away from my home, but I want them to respect that although they used to live here, this is now my private space. How can I ask everyone to respect my privacy without scaring them off? -- Boundary Lines, Birmingham, Alabama

DEAR BOUNDARY LINES: You have not made the rules clear to them. Tell your children that you love for them to visit -- but not without an invitation. Tell them you expect them to respect your property, which means not coming in without asking in advance, and certainly not planning a party without your blessing. Remind them that they have their own homes where they have free reign, but that freedom does not extend to yours.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)