Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I made mistake. I impulsively purchased a hamster with my friend; we were supposed to have "joint custody" of it. This hamster has been traveling back and forth from our apartments every few months, and I cannot believe how stupid I was to agree to this. The hamster smells, it is impossible to play with it and I definitely overestimated the lifespan of this animal. I brought up not taking the hamster back, and my friend got angry with me because I agreed to "raise" this hamster with her. It is just a rodent, and I feel she likes the hamster more. Is it rude of me to refuse to take the hamster back? I never signed a contract or anything, but I do not want my friend to be irreparably mad at me. -- Hamsterdam, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR HAMSTERDAM: Take a deep breath and calm down. The average lifespan of a hamster is 2 to 3 years, so your few months is a proverbial "drop in the bucket" in terms of how much longer you have left. If you are unwilling or unable to commit to that period, you need to have a serious conversation with your friend. You should not simply relinquish your responsibilities. While a hamster is a rodent, it happens to be a rodent that you agreed to protect and nurture.

If you feel like you cannot last the duration of the commitment, look for safe options. Do you have any other friends who might enjoy joint custody of a hamster? Since these are popular animals, chances are you can find someone who would be happy to help. If not, check in with your local pet store. You could also offer to watch the hamster in case of emergency but not on a regular basis. Work hard to work it out together -- while respecting the animal.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my company since I graduated college a few years ago. I was offered a promotion and was very proud of myself. However, I have been receiving tense vibes from older employees at the company. I know they feel as though they should be receiving the promotion, but I know I stayed long days and nights building my reputation. My personal life has suffered, but they decided that their seniority makes them deserve this position. I plan on accepting the promotion, but I know it will change the workplace dynamic. Should I talk to the older employees who wanted this promotion? What should I say? I don't want to be disliked, but I feel as though I deserve my promotion. -- Movin' Up, Saratoga Springs, New York

DEAR MOVIN' UP: You definitely should NOT talk to the other employees about the promotion they did not receive. That would be insensitive. Instead, be humble and keep doing your job. If someone says something to you about the promotion, you can say that you are grateful for it and that you appreciate being part of the team. Don't talk about why others were passed over. No good will come of that. Just keep doing a good job and being kind.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student about to go through sorority recruitment. There have been a few events where I can meet the members of Greek organizations. I have tried to attend these events alone, but one of my friends regards me as an "expert" and insists on going to every event with me. I am not an expert in any way! I just feel comfortable meeting new people. I would like to get to know new people without someone clinging to me, but I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive. I would like to do this alone. Should I be mad at my friend for not understanding that I am trying to meet people alone? I try to not talk about my schedule, but she constantly springs up whenever she sees me walking down the hall. Should I ask her to stop tagging along, or should I feel some sympathy for her during this hectic time? -- Recruitment Woes, Pittsburgh

DEAR RECRUITMENT WOES: Be upfront with your friend. Tell her you know she is excited and probably a little nervous about the recruitment process, because you are as well. Add that you want to go to these events solo. This is what makes you comfortable as you are figuring out your interests. While she wants to go together, just make it clear that you care about her, but you do not want her to be your plus-one on this adventure.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My adult son constantly invites my husband and me to come to his music performances. He is independent now, but he seems to have held onto the elementary notion of wanting his parents to come to his shows. We have just moved four hours away, so we could theoretically see a weekend show, but this requires the funds and willpower. We have watched him play the flute for over 20 years, and as parents, we are ecstatic that he seems to have found his passion in music. However, he pouts and stomps when we tell him that we will not be able to make a performance. I have not told my husband how my son responds when I say we cannot come, so my husband assumes our son is all right with this change. How do I come clean to everyone about my son's exhausting behavior? He is much closer to 30 than 20, and he needs to let his parents off the hook. -- No More Shows, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR NO MORE SHOWS: It's time for you to share the burden of this experience with your husband. Tell him about your son's strong reaction to your absence whenever that happens. Talk openly with your husband about how you can remain supportive of your son while also giving him and you the space for him to be independent. Creeping closer to 30 can be a daunting time for some. Yes, your son should be able to live his life independent of yours, but if you have always supported his pursuits, not showing up now, after you have moved, may feel like a blow to him. Your job is to remind him of how much you love him, even as you put your foot down and say you can't come every time. Sadly, you did not confront his tantrums effectively when he was a child. You have to do it now.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last summer, I ended up working at a fast food chain while my other friends were at internships or high-paying nannying jobs. The entire summer was pretty embarrassing for me, because I guess I dropped the ball regarding timing to find an internship or other job. My boss was kind and my co-workers were all right, but I cannot get stuck working at a fast food chain again this summer. Most of my friends had interviews lined up for themselves in early May, when I had just started looking for opportunities. I felt bad for myself all summer, but I saved up some money and now I know to start looking for an internship or job earlier. I don't know how or when to start emailing, applying or calling. I'd feel embarrassed to ask my friends because it'll show how behind I am, but my parents don't know much about this process either! I can't work frying food for another summer. How can I find information on how to get an internship or job without embarrassing myself? -- No More Frying, Boston

DEAR NO MORE FRYING: Start at your school. Speak to your guidance counselor or a favorite teacher, and ask if there are any internship opportunities available through the school. Think about your interests, and ask about job options in any of those areas. If you don't get any leads that way, look in your neighborhood. What businesses do work that you find compelling? Ask if you can volunteer there. Many times, an unpaid internship can turn into a great job. Finally, go ahead and ask your friends. Admit that you don't understand the process. Ask if anyone can walk you through the steps. Chances are, one of your friends will show some kindness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me. My suspicions started when I saw food wrappers in her car from places she normally does not eat. When I brought this up, she laughed and said she just went there alone. There's no way of me knowing how much food there was, but I feel as though it was so out of character for her. I suggested we go to these restaurants together, but my girlfriend said she preferred to go alone. These seem like lies! I want to confront her about this, and I want her to be honest about who she's been to these restaurants with. What should I say to her? -- Suspicious Eating, Dallas

DEAR SUSPICIOUS EATING: Come clean with your girlfriend. Tell her that your gut is telling you that something is not right in your relationship. Admit that you are concerned about the health of your bond and that, even though she denies it, you believe she is cheating. This is an inflammatory statement, and it will likely ignite a strong reaction.

Keep pressing your girlfriend to be honest with you. Ask her if she still wants to be in this relationship. Tell her you do not feel comfortable with this uneasy feeling, and if she cares about you, you need to have an honest conversation about what's going on.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)