Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I worked for a couple of years for a company that had a fantastic mission but horrible management. I couldn’t stay there because it was ridiculous how badly the management treated the staff.

A good friend of mine just applied to work at the company and asked me if I would recommend it. I feel terrible wanting to tell her to run for the hills, but I can’t recommend working there. I also don’t want to badmouth them. I discovered that they are listed on Glassdoor.com with plenty of past employees telling horror stories of what I already know. Would it be wrong of me to refer my friend to the reviews? -- Walk Away, Chicago

DEAR WALK AWAY: Your friend has asked you for an endorsement. I recommend that you share your opinion about working at the company. Keep your comments clear and factual rather than emotional. State what you liked about the experience -- and what you did not like. Be careful not to badmouth anyone. Your comments are important because your friend trusts you. Your mindful criticism is also key, given that your friend may end up working there.

You can go a step further and point her to Glassdoor.com. Let her know that she will see anonymous reviews from people who also worked there, so that she can consider more than your opinion. In the end, many people take jobs even after they have been warned about issues that could be stumbling blocks. Often, they make this choice for economic reasons. Whatever your friend decides, do not judge her. But do tell her the truth as you understand it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It would be an understatement to say that we have had a tough year this year. But somehow we have managed to get by and be happy, too. My husband has taken up playing the guitar. He loves it, though he hasn’t had any formal training. He sounds OK, given that it’s still pretty new. I was thinking that a nice gift for him would be guitar lessons. We have been pinching pennies a lot this year, but the cost for lessons is within our budget. Do you think I should ask him first or just give him the gift? I think he would love it. -- Make Him Smile, Dallas

DEAR MAKE HIM SMILE: If you feel confident that you can afford the lessons and that there is flexibility to schedule them at times that work for your husband, go for it. Since he has grown such an affinity for the instrument, he will likely be thrilled that you got him such a thoughtful gift.

Given that you are watching your money, you may need to tell him not to worry about the cost of the lessons, because they fit comfortably into your budget. Add that happiness and joy are key to your ability to move through this difficult time and pave the way for your future together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister is full-figured, and she has great style. I decided to get her an item of clothing for Christmas, but I wasn’t sure of the size, so I sent her a text asking her what size she wears. Why did I do that?! She wrote back to me that it was none of my business and asking why was I wanted to know. She accused me of making fun of her size, and she cursed me out. All I wanted to do was get her something nice for Christmas. Now I don’t want to get her anything. She was so rude. Should I let her know why I was asking? -- Not Her Size, Baltimore

DEAR NOT HER SIZE: Take a deep breath and calm down. It is worth it for you to clarify this situation. Call your sister and tell her you want to talk. With her blessing, explain to her that you love her style and thought it would be fun to buy her a fashion item for Christmas. Because you don’t know her size, you thought it best to ask. You were absolutely not trying to insult her. Instead, your intention was to do something special by buying her something cool that would fit. Apologize for hurting her feelings.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out for drinks with a colleague after work, and, at the last minute, he invited one of his friends to tag along. I was hungry, so I ordered myself some dinner, too. When it came time to pay the bill, I asked the waiter if he would separate our checks. I thought that was the simplest thing to do since we all had different things, but also I wasn’t expecting this other guy to join us. My friend gave me a funny look but ended up being fine with it. In fact, he paid for his friend’s and his bill himself. Did I do something wrong by paying for my food separately? I’m sure my share was more than theirs anyway because I had food and they didn’t. -- Splitting the Bill, Cincinnati

DEAR SPLITTING THE BILL: Figuring out how to divide a restaurant (or bar) tab when there are multiple parties is almost always hard and tends to be lopsided. Your decision to request your bill be separated was fine. That way, you didn’t have to go through the awkward exercise of calculating each person’s contribution, or worse, agreeing to split the bill when it was not an even split.

If your friend ever says anything, you can point out that had you split the bill they would have paid more because of your higher food bill. Honestly, it is unlikely that you will have to say a word. You handled it simply and directly. That is the most that anyone could ask.

It could have been that your friend had intended to foot the whole bill, but you could not have known that. In such a case, it is up to the person offering to pay it all to speak up. You should never make that assumption.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a brother who is usually kind of nasty. When we talk on the phone, he is often bossy and judgmental. At Christmastime he softens up, though.

My brother called me the other day and asked about my kids, wanting to know what they would like for holiday gifts. I was blown away. I had forgotten that he gets nice this time of year. I answered him. After all, it’s for my kids. But I can’t act like he isn’t normally rude and obnoxious. It’s hard to let my guard down when the next conversation could turn into a nasty argument.

How can I get him to see that we get along when he acts like it’s Christmas? He doesn’t have kids, so I’m thinking that he doesn’t seem to have a reason to be nice otherwise. -- Holiday Magic, Oakland, California

DEAR HOLIDAY MAGIC: Does your brother have a pet? A best friend? A living thing that he pays attention to? I ask because if you focus on what matters to him at holiday time throughout the rest of the year, you might be able to ignite that “nice” behavior. Your active effort at being thoughtful toward him could help him turn the corner.

The other thing you can do is to speak honestly to your brother. Tell him how happy you feel at Christmastime when you two get along so well. Point out that he sometimes hurts your feelings at other times of year when he is gruff and abrupt. Tell him that you would like for both of you to remember the feeling of kindness that you share during this time of year so that you can invoke it later.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that I am an adult, I have been thinking about some of my actions in the past. I realize that I was not so nice to a couple of the guys I dated early on. I was selfish and impatient, and they didn’t deserve that. Years have passed, but I haven’t forgotten how I treated them. Part of me wants to say something. If I remember, chances are they do, too. I’m not interested in rekindling any connection. I just want to apologize for being a jerk. Do you think that’s OK? -- Taking It Back, Milwaukee

DEAR TAKING IT BACK: There is a good chance that the ex-boyfriends you treated badly remember your behavior, especially if they sincerely cared for you. Tread lightly so that you don’t send mixed messages, but do reach out. If it is easy to see them in person, request a meeting for coffee and share your thoughts. If a meeting would be awkward, find an address -- either a physical address or an email -- and send a note of apology. You don’t have to go into too much detail. Acknowledge that you know that you were selfish and unkind when you dated years ago. As a mature adult, you have thought about this and believe it is important to apologize for anything you may have done to hurt them. If any of your exes attempts to reconnect, just make it clear that you don’t want anything other than to express your sincere sorrow at having been unkind.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)