Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I travel a lot for work. My co-worker who travels with me is has always driven for all the years I have worked at my company. On the last trip, he asked me if I would drive this time. I was shocked. I begged off, saying that I had forgotten my driver’s license. The truth is that I got a DUI a while back and do not have a valid driver’s license right now. I don’t want to tell anybody about this as it could cost me my job, or at least make me look bad. My boss has never asked me to drive. How can I get out of this without causing a stir? -- No Driving Privileges, Atlanta

DEAR NO DRIVING PRIVILEGES: If you have not ever been responsible for driving at work, consider that a blessing. The expectation is not there. If asked by your co-worker again, you can tell him that you are not driving right now. Apologize, but make it clear that you do not have your driver’s license with you. If your boss ever asks you to drive or pick up a rental car, apologize, but say that you cannot as you do not have an active driver’s license. Only if pressed for information from your boss would you have to reveal more information.

Be mindful of drinking at all during your work trips. Should your boss or anyone else learn of your DUI, you will want your behavior after that revelation to be beyond reproach. You are not obliged to tell your boss about your DUI, though. Instead, follow any protocols given to you. If you are able to reinstate your driver’s license down the road, do so. Do not announce that either. Just be prepared to drive.

DEAR HARRIETTE: For the first time ever, I have not been able to host a big birthday celebration for my daughter. My husband and I are strapped for cash, and we simply do not have the money to pull out all the stops. She is a teenager, so she is old enough to understand, but she is also at the age where she cares about her party more than she has in the past. We told her she could pick a few friends to have an outing with, and that’s what we are doing, but I know she is disappointed. I feel awful. Is there anything else I can do to make a nice celebration for my daughter? -- Time to Celebrate, Seattle

DEAR TIME TO CELEBRATE: Focus on the positive. Plan the smaller birthday party with the same amount of zeal as ever. Get creative with your limited budget. Figure out what you can do to design a fun gathering. The reality is that what people appreciate the most is being together. This includes teenagers. Figure out an activity that is affordable and fun. Make sure your daughter feels good about the plan. Her enthusiasm will be infectious, and her friends will naturally have a good time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I dated a guy for two years, and we even lived together for a year. I thought it was going well, but we broke up about six months ago. I didn’t tell my family because I felt embarrassed that it didn’t work out.

Now I have a new boyfriend, and I like him a lot. I want to bring him to meet the family at Christmas, but I know they will be surprised to meet somebody new. How do I break it to them that I have a new boyfriend without causing an interrogation? I just want to enjoy my life without reliving what didn’t work out. -- Welcome Him, Sarasota, Florida

DEAR WELCOME HIM: By all means, tell your family about your new boyfriend before you bring him home. Otherwise, everyone will be uncomfortable, especially him. Start with your parents. You will have to say something about the breakup and why you are no longer with the first guy. They deserve that context. Before they begin to commiserate with you or chastise you, tell them that you have met someone new whom you really like. Tell your family that you want to bring your new friend home to meet them. Ask them to be kind to him and get to know him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family goes to church every year on Christmas Eve. It is a longstanding tradition that I love. I told my boyfriend about it, and I invited him to join us. He doesn’t want to come. He did not grow up in the church and doesn’t see the value of it. He said he would just as gladly meet up with me afterwards. He said he doesn’t want to fake it by going with me since he isn’t into church.

I get his point, but I also see that we have a problem. My church life is very important to me. Any man who is going to be a serious partner for me has to at least try to be a part of my religious life. Should I cut him loose now that I know he is unwilling to make the effort? -- Shared Values, New Orleans

DEAR SHARED VALUES: What you learn about a potential partner early on is often what is true throughout, so it is worth it to pay close attention to your boyfriend’s actions and words. You have to be direct with him. Tell him how important religious rituals and engagement are for you. While it is not a requirement for him to be involved in all of your church activities, let him know that it is essential for you that he be supportive and participatory sometimes. Be open and honest with him about what you what you need from him as it relates to religion. Don’t force him to go to church with you now, but do require conversations where you talk about values and hopes and dreams. You need to find common ground in order for this bond to flourish.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I worked for a couple of years for a company that had a fantastic mission but horrible management. I couldn’t stay there because it was ridiculous how badly the management treated the staff.

A good friend of mine just applied to work at the company and asked me if I would recommend it. I feel terrible wanting to tell her to run for the hills, but I can’t recommend working there. I also don’t want to badmouth them. I discovered that they are listed on Glassdoor.com with plenty of past employees telling horror stories of what I already know. Would it be wrong of me to refer my friend to the reviews? -- Walk Away, Chicago

DEAR WALK AWAY: Your friend has asked you for an endorsement. I recommend that you share your opinion about working at the company. Keep your comments clear and factual rather than emotional. State what you liked about the experience -- and what you did not like. Be careful not to badmouth anyone. Your comments are important because your friend trusts you. Your mindful criticism is also key, given that your friend may end up working there.

You can go a step further and point her to Glassdoor.com. Let her know that she will see anonymous reviews from people who also worked there, so that she can consider more than your opinion. In the end, many people take jobs even after they have been warned about issues that could be stumbling blocks. Often, they make this choice for economic reasons. Whatever your friend decides, do not judge her. But do tell her the truth as you understand it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It would be an understatement to say that we have had a tough year this year. But somehow we have managed to get by and be happy, too. My husband has taken up playing the guitar. He loves it, though he hasn’t had any formal training. He sounds OK, given that it’s still pretty new. I was thinking that a nice gift for him would be guitar lessons. We have been pinching pennies a lot this year, but the cost for lessons is within our budget. Do you think I should ask him first or just give him the gift? I think he would love it. -- Make Him Smile, Dallas

DEAR MAKE HIM SMILE: If you feel confident that you can afford the lessons and that there is flexibility to schedule them at times that work for your husband, go for it. Since he has grown such an affinity for the instrument, he will likely be thrilled that you got him such a thoughtful gift.

Given that you are watching your money, you may need to tell him not to worry about the cost of the lessons, because they fit comfortably into your budget. Add that happiness and joy are key to your ability to move through this difficult time and pave the way for your future together.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)