Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: All my friends are having babies these days. A few years ago, most of them were getting married. I feel like I am in a time warp. I am stuck somewhere different from my closest friends, and I am lonely. Don’t get me wrong -- I am happy for them, but it seems like we are growing further apart.

I don’t have a boyfriend, let alone a husband. There is no baby on the way, either. I suppose I’m not a traditional girl, but my friends kind of are. Does this mean it’s time for me to get new friends? How do I stay close to my oldest friends and find a comfortable place for myself? -- Left Behind, Philadelphia

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: There is no right answer here. You should stay close to your friends to the extent that you are comfortable. As “auntie,” you can grow close to them and be of help if you choose to baby-sit when the parents want to get away.

Beyond the friends with babies, though, you do have to expand your friend base. You need people who share your life experiences so that you can feel fulfilled and not inadequate because your life choices have been different from theirs. Do you have a hobby? Pursue one that involves other people, like salsa dancing, drawing, museum hopping or bowling. Think of something that interests you and explore. By doing so, you will naturally meet other people. In time, you should be able to include one or two others into your social circle, which should help to ease any discomfort that you may have in your core group.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the black sheep of my family, or at least it feels that way. I am my mom's first child, and she never married my dad. She married my stepdad six years later, and they had three more kids who are all completely different from me.

My frame is large, even though I’m not tall. The other kids are small-boned and skinny. I don’t fault them, but they do fault me. Whenever I gain a pound, somebody from my stepdad’s family is always commenting about how they can eat a burger or a pint of ice cream and be cool. Me, if I eat a spoonful of ice cream, I blow up. They laugh at me. It’s awful. I don’t want to hang out with them anymore because I’m going through a rough patch, and I don’t want to be criticized. I love my family, and I would love to be with them. Can you tell me something to tell my family so they will be kinder? -- Feeling Sensitive, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR FEELING SENSITIVE: The best thing you can do is tell them how you feel. They may not realize what they are doing. Speak to the person you feel closest to, and explain that it hurts your feelings when your family is insensitive to you and your issues. Point out that you know that you do not have the same body size, and it makes you uncomfortable when they pick at you for being larger than they are. Ask them to stop.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I will be celebrating a big anniversary this year. I want to do something fun, and he couldn't care less. Usually, I go along with whatever he wants, but I don’t want to do that this year. On the few occasions when I did throw a party or do something a little extra for our anniversary, he liked it. I guess he just doesn’t want to participate in the work of it. As much as I wish he would help, I want to host a party anyway. How can I go about it so that I don’t wear myself out? -- Time to Celebrate, Denver

DEAR TIME TO CELEBRATE: What do you think would make you and your husband happy? Scale down this year, even as you plan to celebrate. Consider a small dinner with your closest friends and family. This can be manageable and fun for everyone.

What about a mini-vacation for the two of you, maybe in town, where you spend the night at a luxury hotel with spa, and you have a great dinner and some kind of pampering that you both enjoy?

Keep thinking. What would you both enjoy that isn’t too much work for anyone? Keeping the celebration small but special should help you to feel happy and comfortable in your plans.

Be sure to keep your husband informed so that you get buy-in from him. You don’t want to plan a special activity in which your husband does not to want to participate.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into my old boyfriend when I was home for Thanksgiving. It was so nice to see him after all these years. I have been married and divorced since I saw him last. He never married. We seemed to hit it off in a sweet way.

I must admit that I never stopped caring about him, but our lives just took different turns. Now we live far away from each other, but it seemed like something could have sparked between us. He called me the other day, and we had a great conversation. Am I foolish for thinking we might still have a chance? I don’t want to be a stupid high school girl again. What should I do? -- Renewed Attraction, Washington, D.C.

DEAR RENEWED ATTRACTION: Don’t jump overboard too fast. Take it slow. But be honest at the same time. If you feel like you are interested in your old boyfriend, tell him how much you are enjoying reconnecting with him. Admit that you are a little surprised at how comfortable it feels. Add that you would like to see if there’s anything real between you beyond friendship. Tell him that you are open for simply rekindling a friendly bond or taking the risk to see if there is a relationship waiting for the two of you to explore. Ask him what he’s thinking. Make sure you are on the same page before you proceed.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends are beer drinkers. Whenever we hang out, they order rounds and rounds of beers, and I find myself ordering wine on my own. I don’t like beer and don’t want to drink it. They make fun of me a little bit, but not too much. I know it might be easier for everybody if I decided I would drink beer, but I don’t want to. Am I a spoilsport for wanting to stick with my wine? -- Drink of Choice, Boston

DEAR DRINK OF CHOICE: You should not feel intimidated into drinking something that you aren’t interested in drinking. If your beverage of choice is wine, so be it! You just have to be willing to take a little heat for it. So what! Well, that is if you are OK with having what is equivalent to “house wine” when you hang out with them. To have a finer wine experience, you will likely need to go to a wine bar or a restaurant that serves an assortment of good wines. As far as hanging out with your friends, beer and wine go fine together. Make sure they know you know that!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I have not been a very good friend this year. I have been so busy at work and trying to help my kids with homework that I haven’t had time to call my friends, let alone hang out with them. I got a call from one friend the other day, and she reminded me that we haven’t seen each other since last December. I love her and wish I had been more attentive, but here we are. And she isn’t the only one. I used to have a friend group before I had my kids.

The holiday season is busy, but I have a week or so off. It would be nice to see everybody, but I worry that they will be mad at me. Now I feel super isolated. How can I fix this? -- Wanting My Friends for Christmas, St. Louis

DEAR WANTING MY FRIENDS FOR CHRISTMAS: The holiday season is a great excuse for organizing a gathering with friends. Rather than belaboring what you weren’t able to do this year, plan a get-together with the friend group that you share. Be mindful of whom you choose to invite. The group shouldn’t be too large because the goal is to have meaningful interaction with each person. The group should be diverse enough that you don’t have to be the center of attention. Plan out your gathering. Invite everyone to join you for a long-overdue reconnection.

If you can host the event at your home, all the better. You can invite everyone who has children to bring them along, and you can feel comfortable in your space. Otherwise, you can choose a convenient location so that you feel at ease. Trust that it will be great to see your friends. Reality check: You do not have to commit to anything other than enjoying the moment!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)