DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years. We have a solid marriage, but the intimacy seems to have faded away years ago. I feel like we are living as roommates more than husband and wife. Occasionally, I get mad about this. On more than a few occasions, especially if I’ve had a few drinks, I call my wife out on this. She got mad at me recently because I said something about her withholding sex from me in front of her family. Hey, I’m frustrated. I guess I figured if I say it in front of people who know her, they might be able to help me. It backfired. She got angry and slept in the other room. What can I do to get the spark back? -- Wanting More, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR WANTING MORE: Therapists suggest that the longer couples go without intimacy, the more challenging it can be to find your way back to it. Rather than humiliating your wife, which never works, consider getting help. A relationship coach or even a sex therapist might be helpful to you both. Chances are, something that happened years ago created a divide, and then the two of you just settled into a celibate lifestyle. You have to both want to find your way back to each other in order to get there.

Tell your wife how much you miss her and want to be closer. Ask her if she would be willing to get help with you. Be sure to have this conversation when you are sober and alone. You might also apologize for the times when you have embarrassed her in front of loved ones. Make it clear that you want the romance back, and you want to work with her to reclaim it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My co-worker is going to a fancy event, and she asked me if she could borrow my shoes. I thought that was an odd request, but I get it. She doesn’t have dress shoes, and I do. The thing is, I don’t let people borrow my shoes -- not even my family. I’m kind of skittish about the hygiene of this. How can I say no without hurting her feelings? She is so excited about this event and wants to look perfect. -- Not My Shoes, Denver

DEAR NOT MY SHOES: Be honest. Tell your co-worker that you have never loaned out your shoes because you are a germaphobe. Make it clear that this includes your family, too. Admit that you may be an extremist, but this is who you are.

You can pivot by telling her where you bought your shoes and making recommendations for where she can find affordable dress shoes. The good news is that there are many affordable outlets to consider. If you are up for it, you can even offer to go shopping with her to help her pick the perfect pair. This will show her that you care about her, even as you have your boundaries. But stay firm. If you aren’t comfortable lending your own shoes, don’t do it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started a new job and want to become more social with my colleagues. They invite me to happy hours and evening work events, and everyone is very nice and great to be around. However, I feel like I am an outsider, or I don’t match the same energy as the others. I am an introvert, but I want to learn to become more social and improve my networking skills. I want to come out of my shell, but I am afraid I may come off as fake and not my authentic self. How do I show interest and improve my networking skills while still being me? -- Shy Girl, Seattle

DEAR SHY GIRL: The good news is that your co-workers are actively pursuing you and working to include you in their after-work events. This means they like you and want to get to know you better.

Remember that most people like to talk about themselves. Observe your co-workers and notice little things about each of them that point to their personalities and interests. When you are sitting near them at these after-work gatherings, bring up what you have observed about them. For example, if a co-worker loves animals, ask him to tell you about his pets. If another is into sports, ask what her favorite teams are. Simple questions that show you are paying attention will get your co-workers talking and engaging with you. Give it time to find your comfort zone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I want to start a family, and we have talked about how we would like to raise our children with specific values and morals. But sometimes he thinks too much about the mistakes his family members have made and plans ways to avoid them. I try to tell him that some of those things you can’t control and sometimes you must adjust. Do you think it is healthy to look at others’ mistakes and change or plan your life so you can avoid the same mistakes? How do I tell my husband that he shouldn’t worry himself so much and focus on our future? -- Worried Wife, Aberdeen, Maryland

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: It is good to talk through your values and about how they have or have not played out in each of your families’ histories. This is good because you have examples of what worked and what didn’t work. To your point, though, you should not belabor the past. Note the mistakes that others have made. Together, set a course for how you intend to guide your steps and keep it moving. You should also accept that you will make mistakes along the way, but if you focus on living by your values, your missteps should not derail your life. Accept that you are not your family members. The two of you are building your own life together. You get to make independent choices and feel confident in your decisions.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a father of three, with one son. I want to have a better relationship with him, but I don’t know how to get closer to him. We used to be very close; we attended baseball games together, went out to dinner almost every week, etc.

My son is 18 years old, which I understand is a time when teenagers spread their wings, but I miss the close relationship my son and I used to have. Every time I text him to see how he is doing or to make plans, he responds with one word. I want to reconnect with him, but I'm not sure how to do this in a way that doesn’t seem too pushy. Do you have any ideas on how a father can regain the closeness with his son? -- Dad Missing Son, Denver

DEAR DAD MISSING SON: Your best chance to rekindle a close bond with your son right now is to tap into his interests. Figure out what he enjoys doing, and invite him to do that with you. It is the job of teenagers to flex their independence. They should spend time away from their parents. For this reason, you should not get too upset with him.

Engaging him in ways that spark his interest is the best way to capture his attention -- for now. Consider inviting his friends to join you for the outings that you plan. This may also resonate for him.

Finally, know that one-word answers are common for young people who primarily use social media. Rather than letting that upset you, realize that it is the way he communicates. More than likely, everybody gets one-word responses from him. Continue to pay close attention to your son to ensure that the distance he is creating is not a sign of bad behavior.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I will be applying to numerous jobs in the upcoming months, and I know some places ask for letters of reference. As a businesswoman, do you think it is better to get a letter of reference from a professor the person is close with, or a previous employer who might not have as much of a personal opinion on the person?

I will be applying to different companies, so should the letter change depending on the type of company I am applying to? -- Letters of Reference, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR LETTERS OF REFERENCE: I recommend that you secure multiple letters of recommendation from people who know you in different ways. A professor who taught you and knows your study habits and capabilities is excellent. You should also include any employer you have worked with who you think would give you a positive report. The employer doesn’t have to know you extremely well. Instead, the employer should be able to speak to your focus as an employee, your commitment to the work and your ability to get the job done.

What’s most important when you apply to different types of jobs is that your cover letter be specific to the role you are applying for. It is up to you to showcase your assets in the best possible manner. Your letters of recommendation serve as backup to your presentation.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)