Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a colleague who seems to spend a great deal of time goofing off. He's always spreading gossip, and I'm pretty sure the rest of the team doesn't care much for him.

Every month we post a list of birthdays in the office kitchen area; it was his birthday last month, and his name was not on the list. This dude was so upset about it that he found a Sharpie and wrote his name on the list. I found this to be tacky, but I ignored it. However, I don't know how much longer I can ignore his bad behavior. Just last week as I was using the restroom, he came in looking for me. He called out my name and knocked on the stall I was in. This wasn't the first time he's done this. He also has a habit of texting me while I'm at work on his days off just to see what’s going on in the office. He also texts me on my days off, which I really don’t appreciate.

Last Friday we all went out for happy hour, and he was there. He left early, which was great; however, he left without paying his bar tab. A couple of weeks ago, he was going on and on because we went out without him, and he finally gets invited out again just to stick us with his bill. I’m to the point where I feel the need to talk to our manager about this guy, except I feel he might lose his job because of all the mistakes he’s made at work. What do I do -- if anything? -- Baby-Sitting My Co-Worker, Cincinnati

DEAR BABY-SITTING MY CO-WORKER: Before you report this man to your boss, speak directly to him. Tell him to chill out. Point out what worries you about his behavior. Be upfront about it. Give him examples of his gossiping and how it makes people feel bad.

Recognize that it wasn’t kind for his birthday to go unacknowledged. Tell him you understand that this hurt his feelings, but it may have happened because he annoys people. Ask him to stop randomly texting you on days off. Suggest that he hunker down, do his job and have patience that in time he will make friends. Tell him to quit stalking you, or it might backfire on him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother expects me to call her every single day. My schedule is not predictable, and I have never been one to do the same thing day in and day out. I love my mother, but I’m never going to be able to live up to this expectation. I want to show her how much I love her and want to be there for her. How can I do that in a way that I can maintain? Anything that has to happen every single day is not going to work. -- Loving My Mama, Boston

DEAR LOVING MY MAMA: Your mother knows you, so it’s likely that she understands what your limits are. A compromise could be a weekly call at a particular day and time that works for both of you. This gives her a specific time to look forward to and you less of a strict commitment to fulfill. Set an alarm on your clock or watch to ensure that you fulfill this weekly engagement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently ran into a friend I had lost contact with some time ago. I invited her to a few events, and I quickly realized why I had distanced myself before. She always talks about how she wants to marry rich. I plan on getting married again, but money is not the priority.

We met two guys the other night, and she wasn’t happy with the way they looked and didn’t think they made enough money. I found her to be snobby, which was embarrassing. She isn’t the most polished, and even if she were, it’s tacky behavior. I thought to myself, no wonder she's single. The fact that she talks about money a lot and brings little to the table is so annoying. Do I mention this to her, or do I walk away, leaving her to figure things out herself? -- Friendship Etiquette, Atlanta

DEAR FRIENDSHIP ETIQUETTE: If this friend has consistently behaved in this manner -- as one who selects dates based on the thickness of their wallets -- you already know how she thinks. She has reminded you of who she is, and you should not feel a responsibility to persuade her to think otherwise. If you want to say something to her, especially since you have recently reconnected and are feeling shopper’s remorse (so to speak), tell her that her comments about status and bank accounts make you uncomfortable. Describe to her your criteria for a successful relationship. Then stop going out with her. Consider it a blessing that you figured out early on that this reconnection is not desirable.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got my cousin a job a couple of years ago, and she has done pretty well in it. The thing is, she complains all the time about the pay. She says for the work she is doing, the job pays way too little. I think she’s right, but I’m not sure what she thinks I can do about it. I had heard about the job around the same time that she said she needed one. The skills seemed to be a match, so I connected her with these people. I cannot serve as negotiator for her; that is not my strength nor my role. I helped her, and now she has to handle things for herself, but she keeps calling me asking for my help. How can I get her to back off? -- Handle Your Business, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR HANDLE YOUR BUSINESS: Have a direct conversation with your cousin. Remind her that you have done what you could for her: You opened a door so she could get a job. The rest is on her. If she thinks she is not being fairly compensated, she needs to speak up. But first, she may want to weigh all aspects of the situation. While she may feel underpaid, is she ready to be unemployed? This moment requires a positive attitude and a clear strategy for getting her to the next level. Coach her on keeping the right frame of mind to welcome success.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work freelance, but I often interact with the same small crew of people. I was on a job with one of my co-workers, sitting at dinner after a long couple of days of work when he became visibly upset while talking on the phone. When he got off the phone, he told me that one of his longtime friends had just died. She was in her 50s -- kind of young to die, so obviously something bad had happened, though he didn’t say the cause of death. I expressed my sympathies for his loss, but I wasn’t sure what else to do. He is not a hugger, and we work together, so I didn’t want to cross a line. We were sitting in a restaurant having dinner, so the subject just changed to other things, but I feel bad. I don’t want to be the co-worker with no compassion. What else can I do or say? -- Lost a Friend, Miami

DEAR LOST A FRIEND: Tell your co-worker that you are not sure how to support him, even though you want to help in any way you can. If practical, offer to take on some of his responsibilities during his time of mourning. Tell him you care about him and that you are sorry if you didn’t express your feelings well. You want him to know that you are there for him in whatever way is helpful.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met with an old acquaintance recently who was pitching a new business that he's working on. It's one of those multi-level marketing things. He is super excited and obviously he wants me to buy stuff from him, but even more, he wants me to join the business. I have absolutely no interest in doing either. I like him and give him credit for trying to make things work for himself after he lost his job a few years back, but part of me is irritated because I feel like he used his woe-is-me story to try to get me to spend money. Now he keeps calling and emailing with more pitches for what I should buy from him. How can I get him to back off without seeming rude? -- Enough, Salt Lake City

DEAR ENOUGH: Some people require direct, crystal-clear communication in order to respond appropriately. You can tell this man, either over the phone or via email if you must, that you are happy for him and his new business venture, but you will not be purchasing any products or joining his business. Wish him luck and end the communication. Do not promise to refer him to people unless you want him to keep contacting you. Do not promise anything at all. Just offer your good wishes for his success and put a period on it. If he continues to call or write, do not respond.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)