Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends has a 20-year-old daughter, "Suzie," with mental health issues. When Suzie was about 16, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Last year, at age 19, she had a breakdown after smoking something, and she ended up in the hospital for a few weeks. This was stressful to my friend, who also has two younger children (ages 7 and 8) with her husband. After leaving the hospital, Suzie had a few tantrums and hit one of her siblings.

Suzie has made it clear she wants her own place. This family can't afford to pay for her to have her own apartment, and since she has worked at her minimum-wage job for only two months, she can't afford to live on her own. My friend has applied for government assistance so Suzie can have her own place.

We don't need more people on the streets just because this family can't cope. Would I be out of line to suggest my friend find an assisted living facility for her daughter rather than encouraging her to seek government funds for her own place? -- Mental Health Help, Detroit

DEAR MENTAL HEALTH HELP: Your idea is a wise one. Your friend needs help to care for her daughter. It may be safer for her to live in a facility that keeps a watchful eye out for inhabitants with mental health challenges. The tricky part is that these types of facilities are not as plentiful as they once were. Your friend will have to navigate the government to identify which agency can help her daughter. This will take time and patience. While looking for a live-in situation, she should also look for an outpatient option where her daughter can go to receive support and counseling.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Is it possible to have a lifelong commitment to someone you disagree with politically? My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years, and we share the same values in faith and everything else that's important to us. However, when it comes to politics, it can become intense. He's ready to settle down, but I don't know if we could live happily ever after if we're supporting two separate parties. -- Separate Politics, Denver

DEAR SEPARATE POLITICS: Once upon a time, it was not so unusual for couples to differ on political views as well as other things, as long as their core values remained the same. Today, that can seem close to impossible, in part because in our political climate, there is little bipartisan engagement. For you and your partner to be able to weather political debates will require you to agree to disagree at times and, more, to be willing to hear each other out on your positions. This should be true in a relationship no matter what.

As you are deciding whether you can be with this person who sits on the other side of the political aisle, carefully evaluate whether your partner’s values actually are in alignment with yours. Sometimes one’s political stance reflects core values. You need to make sure that you agree on the basics -- like how to care for your family, your health, your rights as a citizen, your money and gender roles.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents moved our family to the United States from Nigeria when I was 3 years old. Like most Nigerian parents, they have always encouraged my siblings and me to be the best in everything we do. Growing up, if I wasn’t No. 1 in my class, my parents would ask me what the other kid was doing that I was not. One time, my mother asked me the grades of my classmate before I was allowed on a play date.

Fast forward to now, and I hold two degrees because my parents had hoped I’d become a doctor. I’ve had enough with school and would like to go into comedy. So far, I’ve had some success online, and of course I have a five-year plan. My parents are having a hard time accepting this, which makes going home for Christmas dreadful. How do I cope with my parents drilling me about becoming a doctor? -- Not a Doctor, Bronx, New York

DEAR NOT A DOCTOR: Believe it or not, your parents mean the best. The push for you to be excellent is their way of urging you to do your best to succeed. They moved across the world to give you an opportunity, and they don’t want you to get distracted. This focus is legitimate. That said, their push for you to fulfil their career dreams is entirely different.

Go home for the holidays to be with them. If you are not ready to talk about your comedic plans, dodge their questions -- for now. Let them know that you are doing well. You may have to get your career started and prove to them that you are able to take care of yourself. Work to figure out a way to provide for yourself as you grow your comedy brand. You will need to do that anyway.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My one-year internship with a small international company turned into a full-time job offer after I graduated last May. Here in the U.S. office, there are three people, including myself. One of my colleagues is a part-time employee. I’m thankful for the opportunity, but more thankful that my supervisor fought to bring me on as a full-time employee.

I started the full-time position in June. Knowing that I could do better, I sent out my resume from time to time. Well, I’ve received a job offer from a major company that my friends would die to work for. The problem is, I’ve been here only a few months full time, but I don’t see much of a future with this small company. How do I tell my supervisor I’m thankful for the opportunity but I need to leave? I would like to keep our professional friendship, if that’s possible. -- From Intern to Colleague, Syracuse, New York

DEAR FROM INTERN TO COLLEAGUE: This type of situation occurs occasionally. Be honest and humble. Speak to your supervisor, and thank him for believing in you and giving you a chance. Let him know that you sent out your resume when you graduated, and recently an opportunity came your way that you cannot turn down. Tell him that as much as you appreciate his support, you know that you need to accept this opportunity. Apologize for any inconvenience this may cause his company. Tell him you hope it will be OK for you to stay in touch. His belief in you at the beginning of your career is something you will never forget!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a colleague who seems to spend a great deal of time goofing off. He's always spreading gossip, and I'm pretty sure the rest of the team doesn't care much for him.

Every month we post a list of birthdays in the office kitchen area; it was his birthday last month, and his name was not on the list. This dude was so upset about it that he found a Sharpie and wrote his name on the list. I found this to be tacky, but I ignored it. However, I don't know how much longer I can ignore his bad behavior. Just last week as I was using the restroom, he came in looking for me. He called out my name and knocked on the stall I was in. This wasn't the first time he's done this. He also has a habit of texting me while I'm at work on his days off just to see what’s going on in the office. He also texts me on my days off, which I really don’t appreciate.

Last Friday we all went out for happy hour, and he was there. He left early, which was great; however, he left without paying his bar tab. A couple of weeks ago, he was going on and on because we went out without him, and he finally gets invited out again just to stick us with his bill. I’m to the point where I feel the need to talk to our manager about this guy, except I feel he might lose his job because of all the mistakes he’s made at work. What do I do -- if anything? -- Baby-Sitting My Co-Worker, Cincinnati

DEAR BABY-SITTING MY CO-WORKER: Before you report this man to your boss, speak directly to him. Tell him to chill out. Point out what worries you about his behavior. Be upfront about it. Give him examples of his gossiping and how it makes people feel bad.

Recognize that it wasn’t kind for his birthday to go unacknowledged. Tell him you understand that this hurt his feelings, but it may have happened because he annoys people. Ask him to stop randomly texting you on days off. Suggest that he hunker down, do his job and have patience that in time he will make friends. Tell him to quit stalking you, or it might backfire on him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother expects me to call her every single day. My schedule is not predictable, and I have never been one to do the same thing day in and day out. I love my mother, but I’m never going to be able to live up to this expectation. I want to show her how much I love her and want to be there for her. How can I do that in a way that I can maintain? Anything that has to happen every single day is not going to work. -- Loving My Mama, Boston

DEAR LOVING MY MAMA: Your mother knows you, so it’s likely that she understands what your limits are. A compromise could be a weekly call at a particular day and time that works for both of you. This gives her a specific time to look forward to and you less of a strict commitment to fulfill. Set an alarm on your clock or watch to ensure that you fulfill this weekly engagement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)