Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work for a company whose leader is extremely difficult to work with. This woman flies off the handle at the simplest thing. Her mood swings are legendary in the office. I work part time, so I don’t have to see her that much, and I really do love the work itself. Whenever I talk to her, though, I tend to catch some of her wrath. I have chalked it up to the cost of doing business these days.

Recently, I was at an industry event, and when I mentioned where I worked, several people instantly gave me a weird look and then began to tell me stories about my boss. They were not favorable at all! I brushed them off and tried to change the subject, but it was hard. I couldn’t honestly defend this woman. Her behavior is atrocious, but I know better than to talk about my boss -- especially to strangers.

How should I handle myself in a situation like that? I also have to be mindful of my own reputation. I would like to move to another gig as soon as I find something, but I’ve been told never to badmouth my current job in order to get to a new one. -- Difficult Boss, Chicago

DEAR DIFFICULT BOSS: Your instinct is right to avoid talking about your boss. It is far too likely that your comments will get back to her or that the people you are talking to could form an opinion about you because you are talking about her. Continue to change the subject when your boss’s name comes up. Talk about the work instead. Whatever you like about this job should be top of mind. Literally go to your default points about what you value about the job when people go in on her. If they push back, say that you don’t work in the office every day, so you get to enjoy doing the job without interacting much with the staff.

At the same time, listen for leads. When applying for jobs, talk about what you like about your work. Stay vague about challenges with the boss. While it may see like employers want to hear the "dirt” on a company, it won’t help you to secure your future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a former associate, and she’s always asking questions. I think it’s just what she does to people, but I find it to be annoying. She will ask about family she’s never met and my current job she’s never been to. How do I tell her to back off? I don’t want her in my circle of friends. -- Closed Circle, Portland, Oregon

DEAR CLOSED CIRCLE: When you see this former colleague, greet her and quickly shift the conversation to her. Ask about her job, her life, her family, her pet -- whatever you know to engage her in small talk. Gloss over your own life, and just say that all’s well.

Rather than allowing her to annoy you, accept that she is either trying to be friendly or fishing for information. Either way, you don’t have to give up much. Just be cordial. Speak in generalities and get her to talk about herself as quickly as you can. You do not have to invite her into your friend group. It is wise to stay friendly, though.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends has a 20-year-old daughter, "Suzie," with mental health issues. When Suzie was about 16, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Last year, at age 19, she had a breakdown after smoking something, and she ended up in the hospital for a few weeks. This was stressful to my friend, who also has two younger children (ages 7 and 8) with her husband. After leaving the hospital, Suzie had a few tantrums and hit one of her siblings.

Suzie has made it clear she wants her own place. This family can't afford to pay for her to have her own apartment, and since she has worked at her minimum-wage job for only two months, she can't afford to live on her own. My friend has applied for government assistance so Suzie can have her own place.

We don't need more people on the streets just because this family can't cope. Would I be out of line to suggest my friend find an assisted living facility for her daughter rather than encouraging her to seek government funds for her own place? -- Mental Health Help, Detroit

DEAR MENTAL HEALTH HELP: Your idea is a wise one. Your friend needs help to care for her daughter. It may be safer for her to live in a facility that keeps a watchful eye out for inhabitants with mental health challenges. The tricky part is that these types of facilities are not as plentiful as they once were. Your friend will have to navigate the government to identify which agency can help her daughter. This will take time and patience. While looking for a live-in situation, she should also look for an outpatient option where her daughter can go to receive support and counseling.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Is it possible to have a lifelong commitment to someone you disagree with politically? My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years, and we share the same values in faith and everything else that's important to us. However, when it comes to politics, it can become intense. He's ready to settle down, but I don't know if we could live happily ever after if we're supporting two separate parties. -- Separate Politics, Denver

DEAR SEPARATE POLITICS: Once upon a time, it was not so unusual for couples to differ on political views as well as other things, as long as their core values remained the same. Today, that can seem close to impossible, in part because in our political climate, there is little bipartisan engagement. For you and your partner to be able to weather political debates will require you to agree to disagree at times and, more, to be willing to hear each other out on your positions. This should be true in a relationship no matter what.

As you are deciding whether you can be with this person who sits on the other side of the political aisle, carefully evaluate whether your partner’s values actually are in alignment with yours. Sometimes one’s political stance reflects core values. You need to make sure that you agree on the basics -- like how to care for your family, your health, your rights as a citizen, your money and gender roles.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents moved our family to the United States from Nigeria when I was 3 years old. Like most Nigerian parents, they have always encouraged my siblings and me to be the best in everything we do. Growing up, if I wasn’t No. 1 in my class, my parents would ask me what the other kid was doing that I was not. One time, my mother asked me the grades of my classmate before I was allowed on a play date.

Fast forward to now, and I hold two degrees because my parents had hoped I’d become a doctor. I’ve had enough with school and would like to go into comedy. So far, I’ve had some success online, and of course I have a five-year plan. My parents are having a hard time accepting this, which makes going home for Christmas dreadful. How do I cope with my parents drilling me about becoming a doctor? -- Not a Doctor, Bronx, New York

DEAR NOT A DOCTOR: Believe it or not, your parents mean the best. The push for you to be excellent is their way of urging you to do your best to succeed. They moved across the world to give you an opportunity, and they don’t want you to get distracted. This focus is legitimate. That said, their push for you to fulfil their career dreams is entirely different.

Go home for the holidays to be with them. If you are not ready to talk about your comedic plans, dodge their questions -- for now. Let them know that you are doing well. You may have to get your career started and prove to them that you are able to take care of yourself. Work to figure out a way to provide for yourself as you grow your comedy brand. You will need to do that anyway.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My one-year internship with a small international company turned into a full-time job offer after I graduated last May. Here in the U.S. office, there are three people, including myself. One of my colleagues is a part-time employee. I’m thankful for the opportunity, but more thankful that my supervisor fought to bring me on as a full-time employee.

I started the full-time position in June. Knowing that I could do better, I sent out my resume from time to time. Well, I’ve received a job offer from a major company that my friends would die to work for. The problem is, I’ve been here only a few months full time, but I don’t see much of a future with this small company. How do I tell my supervisor I’m thankful for the opportunity but I need to leave? I would like to keep our professional friendship, if that’s possible. -- From Intern to Colleague, Syracuse, New York

DEAR FROM INTERN TO COLLEAGUE: This type of situation occurs occasionally. Be honest and humble. Speak to your supervisor, and thank him for believing in you and giving you a chance. Let him know that you sent out your resume when you graduated, and recently an opportunity came your way that you cannot turn down. Tell him that as much as you appreciate his support, you know that you need to accept this opportunity. Apologize for any inconvenience this may cause his company. Tell him you hope it will be OK for you to stay in touch. His belief in you at the beginning of your career is something you will never forget!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)