Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter decided to take a one-year break before attending college. I wasn’t happy with this idea at all. Since she’s been home the past few months, I realize she’s afraid to leave home. She’s now thinking about going to a nearby school instead of the university she initially wanted to attend, which was farther away. I believe the school she originally selected is the better option. How do I encourage her to leave home for the better school? -- Leave the Nest, Philadelphia

DEAR LEAVE THE NEST: Take cues from your daughter. If she is so afraid to leave home that she put college off for a year, pushing her to go away to school may not be the wisest decision. Help to wean her off being at home slowly. Let her enroll in the local school as a commuter student. Encourage her to participate in extracurricular activities such as student government or clubs that represent her interests.

Be sure to focus on the positive. Notice what your daughter is good at doing and support her in cultivating those talents and interests. At the end of the first year, assess with her where she stands and what her next steps are. It may take time to get your daughter to flex the muscles to go out on her own, but if you continue to be a cheerleader for her personal development, you should be able to help her gain more confidence over time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: With the holidays upon us, I’m dreading spending time with my family. My parents -- who’ve been married for 50 years -- have recently separated, which makes this holiday season a little awkward, since both will attend all family functions. They’re on speaking terms, but it’s hard watching this because I so desperately want them back together.

Honestly, I would rather stay home to avoid all family drama and hear about it later. What would be the polite way to get out of an invite I’ve already accepted? -- Avoiding the Awkward Holiday, Cambridge, Massachusetts

DEAR AVOIDING THE AWKWARD HOLIDAY: If your parents can figure out how to spend time together cordially during the holidays, why can’t you? Yes -- it might be a bit uncomfortable. Your parents were married for a lifetime. But consider the blessings in this situation: Your parents are both alive and able-bodied. They want to be with family. You can choose to want to be with family, too. You can talk to your siblings and other family members and agree to support each other when it feels uncomfortable.

Finally, speak to your parents. Make it clear to them that their impending divorce has left you reeling. You only know life with them as your married parents. You don’t quite know how to be with them as separated parents. Tell them that if they are both to attend the holidays, you need them to take the lead in figuring out how to manage this new stage in the family, because it is much bigger than the two of them. If things get tense, you can go to them and ask them to step in and help get everybody back on board. If they are unable to manage things, you will have to reassess how to handle their engagement with family in the future.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work for a company whose leader is extremely difficult to work with. This woman flies off the handle at the simplest thing. Her mood swings are legendary in the office. I work part time, so I don’t have to see her that much, and I really do love the work itself. Whenever I talk to her, though, I tend to catch some of her wrath. I have chalked it up to the cost of doing business these days.

Recently, I was at an industry event, and when I mentioned where I worked, several people instantly gave me a weird look and then began to tell me stories about my boss. They were not favorable at all! I brushed them off and tried to change the subject, but it was hard. I couldn’t honestly defend this woman. Her behavior is atrocious, but I know better than to talk about my boss -- especially to strangers.

How should I handle myself in a situation like that? I also have to be mindful of my own reputation. I would like to move to another gig as soon as I find something, but I’ve been told never to badmouth my current job in order to get to a new one. -- Difficult Boss, Chicago

DEAR DIFFICULT BOSS: Your instinct is right to avoid talking about your boss. It is far too likely that your comments will get back to her or that the people you are talking to could form an opinion about you because you are talking about her. Continue to change the subject when your boss’s name comes up. Talk about the work instead. Whatever you like about this job should be top of mind. Literally go to your default points about what you value about the job when people go in on her. If they push back, say that you don’t work in the office every day, so you get to enjoy doing the job without interacting much with the staff.

At the same time, listen for leads. When applying for jobs, talk about what you like about your work. Stay vague about challenges with the boss. While it may see like employers want to hear the "dirt” on a company, it won’t help you to secure your future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a former associate, and she’s always asking questions. I think it’s just what she does to people, but I find it to be annoying. She will ask about family she’s never met and my current job she’s never been to. How do I tell her to back off? I don’t want her in my circle of friends. -- Closed Circle, Portland, Oregon

DEAR CLOSED CIRCLE: When you see this former colleague, greet her and quickly shift the conversation to her. Ask about her job, her life, her family, her pet -- whatever you know to engage her in small talk. Gloss over your own life, and just say that all’s well.

Rather than allowing her to annoy you, accept that she is either trying to be friendly or fishing for information. Either way, you don’t have to give up much. Just be cordial. Speak in generalities and get her to talk about herself as quickly as you can. You do not have to invite her into your friend group. It is wise to stay friendly, though.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends has a 20-year-old daughter, "Suzie," with mental health issues. When Suzie was about 16, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Last year, at age 19, she had a breakdown after smoking something, and she ended up in the hospital for a few weeks. This was stressful to my friend, who also has two younger children (ages 7 and 8) with her husband. After leaving the hospital, Suzie had a few tantrums and hit one of her siblings.

Suzie has made it clear she wants her own place. This family can't afford to pay for her to have her own apartment, and since she has worked at her minimum-wage job for only two months, she can't afford to live on her own. My friend has applied for government assistance so Suzie can have her own place.

We don't need more people on the streets just because this family can't cope. Would I be out of line to suggest my friend find an assisted living facility for her daughter rather than encouraging her to seek government funds for her own place? -- Mental Health Help, Detroit

DEAR MENTAL HEALTH HELP: Your idea is a wise one. Your friend needs help to care for her daughter. It may be safer for her to live in a facility that keeps a watchful eye out for inhabitants with mental health challenges. The tricky part is that these types of facilities are not as plentiful as they once were. Your friend will have to navigate the government to identify which agency can help her daughter. This will take time and patience. While looking for a live-in situation, she should also look for an outpatient option where her daughter can go to receive support and counseling.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Is it possible to have a lifelong commitment to someone you disagree with politically? My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years, and we share the same values in faith and everything else that's important to us. However, when it comes to politics, it can become intense. He's ready to settle down, but I don't know if we could live happily ever after if we're supporting two separate parties. -- Separate Politics, Denver

DEAR SEPARATE POLITICS: Once upon a time, it was not so unusual for couples to differ on political views as well as other things, as long as their core values remained the same. Today, that can seem close to impossible, in part because in our political climate, there is little bipartisan engagement. For you and your partner to be able to weather political debates will require you to agree to disagree at times and, more, to be willing to hear each other out on your positions. This should be true in a relationship no matter what.

As you are deciding whether you can be with this person who sits on the other side of the political aisle, carefully evaluate whether your partner’s values actually are in alignment with yours. Sometimes one’s political stance reflects core values. You need to make sure that you agree on the basics -- like how to care for your family, your health, your rights as a citizen, your money and gender roles.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)