Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend has been complaining about how his co-worker is always looking for validation. This same friend comes to me on a regular basis looking for validation himself. This dude sends me samples of his work so I can give my “honest opinion.” The work is good, but I’ve had enough. Once in a while, it’s OK, but this has become more and more frequent. How do I explain to him he’s doing the same thing that he’s complaining to me about? -- Enough Validation, San Diego

DEAR ENOUGH VALIDATION: Usually what upsets people in others is exactly what is true about them, though they rarely notice it. In your friend’s case, it is true that most people crave validation. We all want to feel loved, respected and seen. Depending upon our backgrounds, the need for external support can vary dramatically.

A kind way for you to address this situation is to tell your friend that what you know about people, pretty much all people, is that we want to be accepted and respected. Point out that you have noticed that he gets frustrated by the co-worker who constantly wants validation, and you understand that it can get tiring at times. Then gently point out that your friend does the same thing with you. Be prepared to give a couple of examples, as he is likely unconscious of his behavior. Give him space to be embarrassed, but point out that we are all in this thing called life together. We need to give each other some slack and work on being more confident from the inside out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my family members desperately wants to get married but has horrible social skills. Overall, this person is nice and successful; she has a master’s degree and great credit, and she owns her home. But like I said, she has horrible social skills -- she either tries too hard or not at all. I would like to help.

I want to introduce her to someone I’ve dated in the past because I think they would make a great couple. There is a small problem: The woman I dated hints she wants to get back together, but I think only because she wants to get married. I’m definitely not interested. I think these two would be a great couple because they have accomplished similar goals, and both seem to be socially challenged. What are your thoughts about me introducing my ex to a close family member? -- Introducing the Ex, Seattle

DEAR INTRODUCING THE EX: Start with your ex. Be clear that you are not interested in being anything more than friends. Tell her that you have someone you think could be a great partner for her. If she seems interested, make it clear that this is a family member, so you want her to be sensitive to a meeting.

If she seems open to the possibility, speak to your family member and explain that you think your ex might be a great match for them. introduce them only if both of them are open to the idea. Obviously, you should keep your awareness of their social awkwardness to yourself.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a huge argument with my husband because I feel he doesn’t make enough time for me. We’re both working professionals, but we approach our lives and work differently. I will see to it that I set aside time for him to let him know I’m thinking about him and I'm always going to be there for him.

The other day, I told my husband about an important meeting, including the time and date. He decided to call during the meeting, but I didn’t have my phone on me. He got one of the secretaries in the office to interrupt the meeting. I was livid! How do I prevent this from happening again? Should I add my important meetings to his calendar, or would that be too much? -- Monday Meeting, Washington, D.C.

DEAR MONDAY MEETING: There are likely layers to the meaning of what happened between you and your husband. You called him on not being attentive to you and then shunned him for going out of his way to be attentive. Yes, he should have known that if you were in a meeting, he should wait. But his attentiveness is, at best, rusty. Rather than blowing up about this misstep with him, thank him for calling, but point out that the timing was terrible. Remind him that you had told him about your unavailable moments, and ask him not to interrupt a meeting unless it is a life-or-death emergency. Leaving a message would have made you happy because it would have shown his thoughtfulness toward you.

Suggest that he allow you to input key times in your schedule when you are unavailable to make it easier for him to know when he cannot reach you. But don’t do more. Your husband needs to do his part to strike a respectful balance. Tell your secretary that you should not be disturbed during key meetings, even by your husband.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I suspect that my husband is having an affair. I travel a lot for work, and recently, whenever I am away and I call him, he is out. Most often he tells me he is with a woman who is his friend.

I have known this woman for a long time. She has been divorced for a few years and is often upset about the reality of her life post-divorce. My husband and I have had a bit of a rocky relationship in recent years, and my gut says that he is finding solace with her. It is true that I have been frustrated by him and not at all attracted to him in that way, but I figured that’s part of marriage. Now I’m not so sure. Should I ask him if he is having an affair? I have no interest in playing games. -- What's the Deal?, Chicago

DEAR WHAT’S THE DEAL?: You sound pretty matter-of-fact about your reality. Do you know what you are prepared to do if your husband admits to having an affair? You need to be clear on that. Decide what you want in your marriage. Is it worth saving? How can you work with your husband to reignite some form of intimacy? Are you interested or willing to determine how to heal from such a breach of trust?

If he is not having an affair, it brings up even more questions. What is wrong with your marriage, and can you approach him about it to see what both of you can do to improve it?

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends has a terrible shopping habit. With all the money she’s spent in the past year, I think she could have made a down payment on a home. I not-so-jokingly told her she has a problem, which she acknowledged. Now the problem is getting bigger because she’s putting on a lot of weight. The last time I saw her, she looked seven months pregnant. How do I get her to face her problems without shopping or food? -- Facing the Truth, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR FACING THE TRUTH: There may be a bit of good news in your friend’s situation -- namely, that she has some awareness of her problems. Clearly, something is wrong on the inside that is causing your friend to try to make up for it by shopping or eating. Addiction often has its cause in an emotional dearth. Your friend needs to figure out what is hurting her deep down inside in order to be able to free herself of the source of her pain.

You can recommend that she get mental health counseling. Suggest that talking to a professional may help her to break free from her unhealthy habits and dive deep into her life to unmask whatever is creating such difficulty. Of course, getting a physical is also helpful. She may get guidance on weight loss and fitness that will help her immediate health concerns. But mental health support is needed to help her turn an emotional corner toward overall well-being.

DEAR HARRIETTE: At this time of year, I often get down in the dumps. I know it's coming, so I try to remind myself that this too shall pass. But the blues are with me now, and I feel sad and incapacitated. I mean, I am still going to work and interacting with people, but I find it hard to sleep, and I am not feeling good about myself. I cannot afford to go to a shrink, so please don’t suggest that. I just need a bridge to get me past this season. -- Down in the Dumps, Philadelphia

DEAR DOWN IN THE DUMPS: One idea is to serve others. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, a retirement community, a hospital or a homeless shelter. Offer to do whatever is needed in the moment you arrive. Almost always and especially at this time of year, extra hands are needed. Amazingly, when you act in service of others who are in need, it takes the attention away from you and your issues and can fill your heart with gratitude. If you are up for it, you can volunteer daily at one or more of these locations. You can also check in with local charities and churches to see if they need a helping hand. It can be amazingly uplifting to have fellowship with others who appreciate your time, attention and care.

Additionally, whenever the sun is shining, go outside and take a walk. As the weather changes and the days get cold and gray, some people suffer from seasonal affective disorder. Getting some sun and moving your body may help brighten your day.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)